But turns out you really do not know the truth until they say it out loud. I always thought he was the one playing with me, when I am actually just as messed up, maybe even more messed up. Yes, I'm the more messed up one here. One time I tell him I like him, next I tell him I don't, and then I tell him I like him again. All within 2 weeks. He told me he was jumping around in his backyard for 10 minutes after he found out I liked him as well. That made me so happy to hear that. But then he told me when he sensed it coming, that I would tell him I no longer liked him, he was squatting in his backyard for 10 minutes. He mum was like what is wrong? He said his friends knew about what I said too, and they were squatting in their own backyards (figurative speech I'm assuming?). I felt SO BAD when I heard him say that. The fact that it hurt him that hard. I didn't even know. I remember how he told me he didn't like me either, that time when I told him I no longer did, I was relieved at that time, but turns out he only did it so he wouldn't make me feel bad or awkward when inside he was really hurt. I blamed him for getting over me so quickly, when all it was was that he was confused not because of his own issues but because of mine. It was me. It was all me.
All this time I was blaming him for being confused, not knowing what he wanted, leading me on... when I did not properly look at myself. My excuse is I have severe insecurity issues because of all the relationships I have watched crash and burn and the infidelity I have witnessed around me, I told him about it. But the truth is there, I had indeed hurt him with it. I told him I have to think about 'us' because all this time after thinking he no longer liked me, I set myself out to distance myself from him, to get over him. I can't just turn around and jump back in because in actual fact, I have already gone quite far in trying to forget about him. I really need to think this through. What do I do? Do I move back to him? Or do I move forward? He told me to take as much time as I needed.
But oh my, today was really amazing, after dim sum we went for a walk along the jetty and talked. The view was amazing. I wanted to sit there and just lay my head on his shoulder. But he didn't sit so thankfully it allowed me to control myself. I wanted to hug him. But I knew I couldn't. I wanted to accept him. But I couldn't, not yet. We talked a lot about our hometown because I guess that's where our main connection comes from.
I asked him what was attractive about me, personality-wise. He kept saying my bluntness, that it was hard to come by for a girl. I told him about my issue with his flirtiness, he told me those girls were all his 'bros' but that he understands where I'm coming from. We talked a lot, but at the end of all this, I'm just worried it's all talk. I told him my parents still think I'm too young for anything serious. He said it would be for us to learn. I told him I wanted to make sure if was something more before I jumped in and he seemed to understand.
So right now I need to figure out if I want him. I told him what I wanted in a guy. A decision maker, which he said he is among his friends, someone considerate, someone who's just more of a guy, someone confident (but he seems pretty shy and insecure around me, around certain girls, I'm not sure if that's a good thing). So far I don't know. I guess I just really need time to tell to see if I like him enough. Maybe I should be open with my parents and see what they think. And that comes to another thing I really like about him is he's pretty family-oriented like me, but not to the point of mama's boy. 'That' I really like about him. It's hard to come by. And the fact that our family background is so similar is another bonus.
I need to breath and think. I guess at the end of the day, what I truly need in a guy is someone who loves me for me. And for him to love me for me, I have to love him for him. He loves all my flaws and I will love him for all his. So the final question is, can I love him with all is flaws?
My answer to this one question may possibly change everything. But it shouldn't be this hard should it? To know my own answer? One thing that is reassuring for 'insecure-me' is that he said that ever since he met me, I am the only girl he has ever liked. That is really hard to come by. After all I've put him through...
I don't even know what my mind and heart thinks anymore. I don't know whether my mind thinks it's a good idea, I don't know if my heart thinks it's a good idea either. For once in my life, I am completely clueless. There is no dominating organ in my body. No heart over brain, or brain over heart. They are both completely unreliable. I guess what I need right now is time, friends, and family. They will help me figure out what I want.