Sunday, 28 September 2014

DT: Good love will find you someday

Haven't done a Daily Thinker for a while. Here you go my loves! <3

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Saturday, 27 September 2014

Attention Lover

Went out last night and strange things happened...

Gemma by haaniaGemma
by haania

Maybe it's the age I've reached, the prime age, or maybe it's just the whole new confidence I have learned from my new job. Maybe it's a factor of both. But last night was a strange night. Never have I received so much attention from guys... And I won't deny it, getting attention feels good. Deadly I know, but the truth. When they asked me if I was single I would lie and say I had a boyfriend, typical move. Because I didn't actually want anything, I just wanted to party with my girls, party away the 2 weeks' stress I had building up from work and study, assignments and exams. Getting attention and free drinks was merely a plus. 

And for me to enjoy it so much is another reason why staying single is the way to go for me at the moment. I love the single life. Sagittariuses love to explore everything, places, careers... and I guess guys. But I'm not that type of girl to be jumping from guy to guy. Let the eye roam, not the heart. I'm completely content with the way my life is right now... But in the back of my mind it does bother me to think what if I'm never going to find someone who meets my standards... Because they're set so high... No more guy dramas for the moment, thank God, so nothing that worrying can help. For now I'll slowly work on pulling my walls down, so that when a prospective partner comes along, it won't be too difficult for me to let him in.

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Sunday, 14 September 2014

Dear Mr. Heartbroken

I screwed up.


I've screwed up three times, and only after the third time did I come to the realisation of this. Boys, I hated drama that came along with them because it meant I was going to either break someone's heart or get my heart broken, or both. I avoided it but that didn't help, they still ended up with broken hearts, not shattered but damaged.

All along I thought honesty was the way to go, when they approached me about their feelings, that to tell them I kind of feel the same was a good move. Because I understand it takes them a lot of courage to confess their feelings, and to let them know it's alright, I would reveal them that it's not completely one sided. But when my mind is a constant jungle of mess, telling the truth was to let them into my messing mind, eventually leading them into heartbreak because I wouldn't end up letting them into my heart wholly.

My best friend pointed this out, and finally I've learned, though I haven't led them on (making sure they knew that was the last thing I wanted to do), telling them I also like them but not wanting a relationship is pretty much just as bad. To give them hope but end up shattering those hopes because of my own inner problems of commitment was wrong. Though unintentional, they still ended up getting hurt, though I've been honest all along, doing everything in the hope of goodness, of avoiding any breakage... I was still stupid and foolish. I shouldn't have revealed too much.

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Unemotional Flaw

Apparently I'm like a brick wall sometimes...
But is it really as bad as he makes it sound?

white noise by jenansulwhite noise
by jenansul

You blame me for being unemotional, like you're talking to a brick wall sometimes... But I just like controlling my emotions and staying positive. I tell you all my emotions, I just don't show them on my face. Isn't that good enough??

'The world doesn't get better being negative. There's two sides to life and you 
choose which one you want to live'.

I know one of the major flaws of a Sagittarius is that they are unemotional, my brother is definitely like that too, also a Sagittarius. But I like being in control, and being happy. Why spiral into an emotional mess when you can control it and be happy? I'm stronger that way. What's wrong with being emotionally strong? You say when I'm like that, I seem fake... but if you know me, you know it's not an act, it's me.

I guess you never really knew me, and never truly will. You say that the next guy I do this to (not close my doors on the guy, because he wanted a chance, but only later for me to to realise we're not compatible and then feel it is the right and responsible thing to do is to tell him I don't feel the same way) will be very unlucky. Ouch! That damn well hurt when you said that. Because all I ever wanted was not to hurt anyone, not to hurt you. And I made that all well and clear from the very beginning why I never wanted anything: I don't want to break any hearts and I don't want a broken heart either. And you turn around and imply that I've made you an unlucky guy. Thanks. Just because I can't give you what you want, doesn't mean you're unlucky. People get rejected everyday, in million times worse ways than I have. I guess you're inexperienced with this stuff, and it hurt your pride. And it's your damaged ego that's talking. I'll let it pass, because I'm a bigger person that way. 

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Let Him Dance

In celebration of Father's Day I would like to 
share my father's recent bizarre frustration with me...

Philosophical Sheperd by ShakilovNeel

My father told me two nights ago, that I must change my ways or he will have no idea how I will end up... probably lonely and sad. But what he's telling me to change is bizarre. He is telling me to change the way I care about people, how I think for them. I guess it does make sense that when you care too much you can end up hurt. But this is me, and I don't see how being an extremely loving and caring person is necessarily such a bad thing. He wants the best for me, and knows caring doesn't get people to happy places in a dark world that we are in. He called me naive and got frustrated at me. And my mind understands where he's coming from, it's Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...just my heart that doesn't. My heart cannot possibly comprehend this seemingly bizarre idea and make it stop caring for the people that I feel I should care about.

For the sake of finding a guy who will love me, he wanted me to lead him on and let him "do his dance and perform", in essence, allow him to continue pursuing me despite no longer having any romantic emotional attachment to him . All this so that I can decide whether his performance was sufficient for me to accept him and love me forever. But when they perform, I feel the obligation to pay for his performance, I can't just watch and then leave. After he shows his love by pursuing me, I feel the need to return the love and accept him. I will be pressured. 

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Just One Kiss

I don't know why I'm recording these emotions here on my blog,
when I clearly want to forget about them...
But a way to forget is to express them and 
hope that's the end of it.

*** by tdum
by tdum
How could any girl let you go when you're so perfect... Especially for her. You guys seemed like the perfect couple. Maybe in her eyes your looks fell a little short. But in my eyes her looks was the same level as yours. That's one part of my definition of 'perfect for each other'. Personality wise you guys seemed pretty perfect too. But I don't really know her, all I know of her is from the whispers and social networks. And from that I can say you guys seem pretty perfect.

You're the second guy to ever kiss me, and to me that means a lot. My first being from my first boyfriend. 

I can't help it but you mean something to me. All I can do is keep thinking about that night, about that kiss. And it drives me crazy. Maybe this is irrational thinking because of the rush of chemistry your kiss gave me. Or maybe I'm just desperate to be kissed by a guy again. But I don't. I don't want anyone else to kiss me again but you right now. So gentle and loving. And your hug, being in your arms again, I would love that so much. I held you so tightly when the song ended and the lights came on, because I knew that was it. It was the end of anything between us. Anything from there onward was a load of uncertainty.

I know you can not and will not pursue me, because of my past... Not when pursuing me will hurt someone close to you. And the fact that you care so much about your friends is additionally attractive.

It's not just the kiss, I've always had a slight thing for you. I have just always brushed it off into the very deepest darkest part of my mind and thought of you as a dear friend and brother. But when I was asked on a date about what type of ethnicity I would date, I thought of you and said yes to yours. Only because of you. 

Monday, 1 September 2014

Likes and Followers

Our value is not measured 
by 'likes' and 'followers'.
We are not measured by numbers.

*** by oprisco
by oprisco

I recently changed my profile picture and the likes start flooding in, and it makes my heart flutter every time I get a notification, that beautiful red colour at the top of my screen. And it's horrible to have it affect me so much... because honestly...

Have you ever realised that all those likes don't really mean much. Half of them don't like your photo because you look beautiful, they like it because either they are your friend and it's their way of showing support, or because you've liked their photos and they're returning the favour (or hoping you will return theirs).

Sure you are technically more popular now, more people to call acquaintances, more people to say 'Hi' and 'Bye' to on the street. And there's nothing wrong with having more acquaintances, just don't get caught up in comparing yourself with all the others out there... the ones with hundreds or thousands of likes on their profile pictures on Facebook. Don't let that devalue you. Your value is not measured by the number of likes and followers and comments of how pretty you look in that photo.