Tuesday, 30 April 2013

The 4+1 Theory of Love

I came across a fictional story on facebook and it was just so beautiful. The story, below, was written by Matthew Zachary Liu.

The phone rang. 

She was sobbing badly on the other end of the line.

“I’m going over,” I told her and hung up before she could protest.

1am. It was going to be a long night ahead..

She was still crying when she opened the door. She looked so broken, so vulnerable. I didn’t have to know what was wrong, I just held her in my arms. She cried even more.

“He broke up with me,” she finally said.

I just kept quiet as she let it all out.. questions, tears, anger, hurt.

“Why does love have to hurt so much?”

“No, love.. doesn’t hurt,” I said gently.

“So says the guy who’s been single forever? What would you know about love,” she jabbed.

“So says the guy who’s been your friend though Mr now-ex-#4,” I grinned. “Love doesn’t hurt you.. it’s the person that doesn’t know how to love or appreciate love that hurts you. But love never hurts,”.

“You won’t understand, Matt,” she sighed, “you’ve never been in love…”

“That’s not entirely true, you know..”

“Wait what- so who’s this girl I’ve never heard abou-“

“What did you love about #4 anyway?” I interjected.

“I don’t know… he is just perfect. And I love him so much,”

“But you don’t know what it is that you love about him?”

“It’s just.. the feeling when I’m with him. It always felt right with him. He made me feel loved and I loved him too,”

“That’s it? Just a feeling?”

“Well.. yea. What were you expecting me to say?”

“.. something more specific, maybe? I mean, if you thought he’s so ‘perfect’, why’d he still chea- erm, why’d he leave you?”

“Because I’m just not good enough for him? I don’t know..” she paused. “What is love to you then…”

“Hmm.. to me, being together or in love with someone should be more that just a feeling.. it should also be about mutual understanding, acceptance, respect, commitment and trust.”

“That’s what all couples would hope and want their relationship to be like, Matt. But expectations and reality don’t always go together..”

“Or maybe.. someone’s just not trying?”

“Well if you think love is so simple.. why haven’t you been with anyone all these years?”

“I never said love was simple.. but I guess the reason why I’ve never been with anyone yet is because.. I already know exactly what I want,”

“You have.. a checklist?”

“Sorta. It’s not the typical kinda ‘I’d like a girl with long hair, nice smile, etc’ superficial checklist though,”

“Oh. What kind of list is it then?”

“It’s like.. a concept of love. Of what it is about a girl that will make me fall completely in love with her. A concept that has more than three specific reasons that would answer any question as to why I love her.”

“You have a concept of love?” she laughed. “Love isn’t a theory, Matt.. you can’t just classify love by a concept or definition, you simply feel it with your heart..”

“But you see.. the reason why I think there are so many broken hearts, is because people merely jump into a relationship when their heart feels a certain something towards someone. But I don’t think that’s love, that’s merely an infatuation. Personally, I believe there are more than three reasons and aspects that actually determines whether we really are truly in love beyond the superficial ‘I don’t know why I love him/her.. I just do’ reason,”

“That makes sense. So what exactly is this.. ‘concept’ of yours about?” she asked, genuine curiosity replacing her initial skepticism.

“I call it the 4+1 theory. The aspects that will determine if it’s true love or just a fickle infatuation. It’s based on this idea that whenever we like someone, if we really go deeper into what is it that draws us to him or her, we’d be able to find that one specific reason. That’s not love though. That’s merely an attraction or infatuation. But when more than three of the aspects from this theory are present, you’ll be pretty sure that it’s more than just a feeling. For me personally, this determines if I’ll ever fall in love with a girl…”

Mind. Heart. Body. Soul.

The mind aspect, to put it simply, is her intellect. But I don’t mean the academic smarts.. it’s the way she thinks, processes and analyzes things way beyond a shallow self centeredness. It’s the way she puts across her thoughts, not for winning an argument’s sake, but to really try to understand or even sensibly debate opposing views that might leave anyone reflecting on her words or challenge me to think differently. It’s the way she carries herself off with an aura of sophistication and enigmatic charm and no matter how much I might think I already know her or have her figured out, she’ll still surprise me with something unexpected. Good surprise. I like intellect. Personally, it takes a little more to intrigue me and stimulate my senses. If I can connect with someone and talk endlessly about the concept of nothing, then, only then, will we be able to talk about everything else.. and I think that’s incredibly alluring,”

“Ooh.. so my best friend’s sapiosexual too,” she teased. “But what about her likes and dislikes or like her personality.. does that go under the mind aspect too?”

“Well, that’s where the heart aspect comes in. The heart represents who she is by what she values or cares about. The things she likes, the things she dislikes. What really matters to her, as well as her insecurities and fears..”

She bit her lower lip - thinking. “But what if him knowing about my past and all my insecurities scares him or drives him away? Or what if he ever uses all of these against me if someday things go bad between us?”

“Erm.. you do realize that it doesn’t really matter now because whether or not he ever knew, he already chose to leave you right? But.. if he still or ever tries to hurt you in any way, then he is a fucking bastard and I will punch his face,”. I really meant it.

“I don’t think he even cares about me anymore,” she sighed, “maybe he never really did.. we were so.. different. I don’t know why I never actually realize it before,”

“Maybe because then, you were too ‘blinded by love’ to see, or you chose to conveniently ignore the differences. Honestly though, I think it’s critical for two people to understand each other’s heart and learn to accommodate each other’s differences rather than simply turning a blind eye or deaf ear ‘because I love him and that’s all that matters’. Because if two people are too different in the way they think, behave or live.. I reckon it will become a huge problem when the infatuation bubble bursts.”

“I don’t really understand..” she said.

“Let me just ask you this.. does he know how passionate you are towards the arts and music?"

“Well, no.. not really. He’s more the sports kind of guy and doesn’t like theatre and stuff so I didn’t want him to get bored if I talked to him about things he isn’t interested in..”

“Then i’m guessing he probably also doesn’t care or know the little things about you. Like how you’re afraid of the dark and why you’re actually scared of darkness.. how family and relationships are really important to you.. that ice cream is your happy pill. You know, I’m even going to bet that he doesn’t know you go to bed every night, clutching your phone just hoping and waiting for him to text you goodnight..”

She started to tear again, but I continued..

“You see, it’s not a matter of whether it bores him or not.. it’s a matter of whether he bothers or not. I mean, if he doesn’t even know these things about you, then he really doesn’t know you at all. How then can he say he loves you?”

“But I really loved him,” she murmured softly to herself .

“I know you did. I know you still do and it’s hurting you like shit. But you need to know that for any kind of relationship to work.. two people need to give and take. Sadly, with him, it seems like you’re the one who was always giving. If he actually really loved you back as much, he’d make a greater effort to close the gap and bridge the differences between you two. He’d want to hear what you have to say, he would actually consider your opinions, your needs and your feelings. He’ll not just tell you or text you that he loves you.. he’ll show it by the things he will do or be willing to do no matter how inconvenient or silly it might be, just because.. he knows it’ll make you happier or better. To me, when it comes to a relationship, the heart aspect isn’t just a feeling or who you/he or she is anymore. It becomes two hearts beating as one. Two people wanting to understand each other.. sharing the good, the bad and possibly a future together; actually bothering and supporting each other’s feelings, values, dreams, thoughts, emotions,”

She stayed silent for a long while before she looked up, holding my gaze.. there was this unspoken tension building before she finally spoke again.

“But.. what if something that’s important to me, is not something the guy might feel same way about?"

“Then I’ll try-” I caught myself. “I mean, if I were him. I’d try. I’d make the effort.. because it’s important to you and you’re important to me,”

She remained silent again. She wasn’t crying anymore but this time, the prolonged silence was starting to grow even more deafening.

“Matt,” she finally spoke - softly, “do you believe in love at first sight?”

“No.” I said flatly.

“Oh..” she sighed. “You know what you said about mind and heart.. it’s actually starting to sink in and I’m beginning to realize that maybe these two aspects weren’t exactly a big part of my relationship with him,”

“So what made you fall in love with him then?”

“Well.. don’t laugh, but I’ve always thought that with him, it was love at first sight. I mean, there was just this spark between us from the very first time we met,”

“Cos he was hot?” I scoffed.

“No.. don’t be an idiot,” she tried to hide her smile but failed. I rolled my eyes. “Okay fine, yea maybe that. But it wasn’t the only reason!”

I raised an eyebrow.

“He was really nice too! And he was always sweet to me,“ she began her defense case. “He always made me feel happy, secure and loved without even having to try, you know?” I just continued staring at her waiting for her to go on. “Oh never mind, you’d never understand..”

“Actually.. I do. And I think I now understand what it was that made you fall in love with him.

The body aspect.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

May 2013: Fall in Love

Holy! Exams sure makes time fly! It's already the end of April which means my May issue for my Magazine blog is coming out soon. And I haven't even started working on June's issue!! Oh no! I'm worried I may not get June issue out on time... I haven't even started writing the article...

Anyway, here's a preview for May's issue:

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Friday, 26 April 2013

Opportunities... take them

Opportunity is often difficult to recognize; we usually expect it to beckon us with beepers and billboards.  ~William Arthur Ward

Opportunity is a bird that never perches.  ~Claude McDonald

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.  ~Mark Twain

Seize every opportunity along the way, for how sad it would be if the road you chose became the road not taken.  ~Robert Brault

Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss.  ~Author Unknown

The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.  ~Helen Rowland

Over time, the hurt doesn't hurt. Only regret does. ~Terri Guillemets

Grasp your opportunities, no matter how poor your health; nothing is worse for your health than boredom. ~Mignon McLaughlin
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Thursday, 25 April 2013


Started a lookbook account, here.

Here's the look for today. It's Anzac Day and my fam decided to go out for dimsum which was really nice. I love going out for dimsum with the family.

Haven't done a OOTD for agessss cause this blog has just been overrun by emotional posts of my life and anything fashion related generally goes into my Magazine Blog Infatuations by Elle. Trying to get more exposure for my blogs so I thought it would be great, and fun also, to open a lookbook account. The looks people have on there are so inspiring.

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Wednesday, 24 April 2013

DT: Bitter sadness makes happiness sweeter

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

DT: Avoid Over Thinking

Funny that the daily thinker today is one that tells you not to think.
Hmmm, something ironic about that.

Anyway. I've chosen to share this DT today because lately I realised something new. I mean I always knew I overthink but I never truly saw it as a bad thing, as a problem. It's my way or surviving, of preventing myself from getting hurt. But it's only a good thing to overthink when what you think is correct, not when you're thinking the wrong thing. Like assuming the wrong things. I read too much into everything, thinking that everything I read is the truth when it's just my interpretation of something. The thought finally came into my mind that some things that I assume to be the truth may be wrong. Maybe I have been reading too much into something that it's no longer protecting me but hurting me. 

There needs to be a balance. 
A balance between how much and how far you should read into something. 
Try not to cross the line and end up hurting yourself and those around you. 

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Monday, 15 April 2013

DT: someday we will find what we are looking for

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Someday we will find what we are looking for, but that day isn't today. I realised he's not the one, no more doubt, I'm sure about this. Now I'm faced with the torment of how to break it to him. That I changed my mind about him.

1.Do I just ignore all his messages? 
Do I just tell him?
If I just tell him, what exactly do I tell him?
2.That I simply changed my mind? 
3.That he's not my type?
4.Or that I really don't think it's time and I really want to just stay friends?

It's very fragile, breaking it to someone who still likes you.
So I've been thinking about this a lot! Like a lot! I've been avoiding it a lot, thinking that ignoring his messages he will slowly expect my 'rejection' to come. Remembering from my previous post, I did say it hurts the most when you don't expect it. So I've given him the silent treatment for half of the week already, all weekend. It's time to really think about how I should execute this. And I think the way to choose the best method is to put myself in his shoes, if I liked a guy and he no longer liked me. Ok. Let's do this.

So the first time I meet this guy I already have feelings for him, nothing strong but it starts.
He adds me on FB and I'm very happy about it. 
I start chatting with him on FB, flirting with him.
When I meet him I get really shy though so I don't talk to him, or even look at him (especially not in the eyes).
I flirt with him a lot, and it's been going on for quite some time now, probably hoping to get some kind of signs that he's interested. 
So one night he spills everything, and opens up to me about everything asking me whether I like him as more than a friend.
Scared, I dodge the questions and make excuses but eventually I decide to ask him the question back.
He says he used to like me and still kinda does. I am overjoyed and relieved!
So then I become very blunt too and I repeat exactly what he said, that I also used to like him and still kinda do as well.
I ask him he if he wants a relationship.
He replies saying he doesn't think he can handle a relationship in this point in time in his life.
So I settle it and say let's just remain friends and get to know each other better first.
He completely agrees and tells me to tell him if I change my mind about him.
I said I would and told him to do the same if he changes his mind too, adding that it would be completely fine.
So then I start texting him the next night (I never text him, just FB messages so this is something new) and I make him get snapchat, and I start snapchatting him nonstop all night and the next night.
He snapchats back and everything is so nice and lovely.
But then he stops snapchatting back on the third night. 
I snapchat a message saying 'Missing You' and I get no reply.
I upload a photo of me and my close friends who know about 'him and I' on FB saying 'This one's for you' but he doesn't comment on the photo, like it, or even mention it at all.
So I stop snapchatting him over the weekend, probably assuming that he must just be really busy with study as exams are approaching.
I snapchat him tonight.
Now... what do I expect from him??

by ~agnsun

Ok, that's pretty much everything that has happened from his perspective.   
Time to delve into the future from his perspective:

1. Do I just ignore all his messages?
So he ignores my messages, all of them. So I give up and stop messaging him thinking what on earth has happened. Could he possibly be this busy studying for exams that he couldn't take the time to send just one reply. I get all confused, annoyed and irritated. I'm not liking what's going on. But I don't confront him about it. I just sit here guessing. I don't like what he's doing to me.

Friday, 12 April 2013

DT: Same Love

Here's a really good daily thinker. To not think about ourselves, but think about our society as a whole.

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Thursday, 11 April 2013

Nothing but Doubt

I don't think he's the right one. I've fallen for the 'online' him, not the 'real life' him. He's so different in person than he appears to me in his words.

Don't think I've met that one person yet. It's just not time?

Or are my expectations just too high? I want 'perfect' too badly when perfect doesn't exist.

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Any boy can cuddle me on a rainy day, watch old movies and make out. But I want someone who fits me like two puzzle pieces. Someone who truly appreciates me for my tomboy side and sweet girly side. 

I feel like a b*tch now. Hyprocrite. I said I really disliked people who were confused and bring others down with them and their confusion. And here's me, confused, and bringing down others with me. I've met a few boys, had crushes on them and it feels like I 'led' them on. But at that moment I really wanted them, I did like them and then my mind just kicks in and I'm left doubting myself and my feelings so I back out.  (Or did I like the feeling of being wanted? That means I truly did lead them on.) So I feel like I have led them on. I made them fall for me when I wasn't ready to catch them. I really hate myself for that.

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Loss of Interest


I get pretty intense crushes on guys, but whenever it looks like something might develop--he asks me out or starts flirting with me - I stop liking him. None of my relationships last because I lose interest so quickly--usually after the first few dates. What's wrong?

--Hard to Keep, 16, Texas,
AIt's possible there's nothing "wrong" at all: You like attention from guys but you're not going to hook up with just anyone. After a couple of dates you learn enough to know he's not for you, and you don't want to settle for second best or lead him on, so you lose interest. If that's the case, relax. Keep dating and the right guy will come along. There might, however, be a hidden agenda behind your rejection of guys and, ironically, the problem is exactly like a complaint girls often have about guys. Lots of times, a girl will be pursued pretty heavily by a guy she might not even be that into at first, and then she gets to like him--but as soon as she starts showing him affection, he backs off. When boys do this, it may seem on the surface that they're more excited by short-term conquest than by long-term love. Actually, these guys tend to be unsure of themselves and want to prove they're charming enough to attract a girl. Often, they'll initiate a breakup when their insecurity kicks in: They're convinced that sooner or later the girl will discover how uncool they really are. Before they get hurt, they reason, they'd better bail, ending any hope for a future together. Their behavior stems from feelings of low self-esteem.

Now ask yourself if your own behavior toward guys compares to this description. Do you feel like you'd never be able to hold on to someone who cares? Do you think you're not worthy of a guy's love? Are you afraid he'll discover the real you--and be turned off? Deep down, do you feel that if he likes you, there must be something wrong with him? If you responded with "yes" to any of these questions, it's time you did some serious self-boosting. One technique that often works is to star in your own commercial: Literally take 30 seconds to promote yourself. On videotape, tell the audience who you are, what you enjoy and why you're a special person. Then watch your video as if you were a stranger, asking yourself if you would want to get to know the person you see on TV--and if you were a guy, would you want to date her? (If you don't have access to a video camera, do your commercial in front of a mirror.)

If your commercial doesn't convince you of how cool you are, think about what areas you might want to change--and work on them with a positive attitude. Be sure to concentrate on inner qualities, because that's what defines you as a person a lot more than your outward appearance. When you're comfortable with yourself, you won't feel compelled to walk away from the right romance.

by ~vampire-zombie

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Multi-think & DT

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I'm such a hypocrite. I say one thing but I do another. That's because I try to think one way, to change the way my heart feels, and hopefully change the way I act. But deep down my heart is still strong and nomatter how many lies I tell myself, I can't change the way my heart feels.

But my head still kicks in and controls situations rationally. That I am glad for.

I was really angry at myself today. I thought it was a good day, started off really well. Then I realised I didn't attend a lecture which had an assessment worth 10%! I completely flipped! It's because so much happened last night. I finally confronted the confused boy because we were talking on facebook and the conversation led to a point where he said he wanted to attract girls like me, he even said it in capital letters. I completely flipped and had enough of being confused with all his flirty words that I was really blunt and almost 'violent' on him. But things worked out in the end. I found out he liked me, after he turned the question back on me when I asked him, I said I did like him and still kinda do and he replied with the same words. Then he wanted to know what I wanted, which I had no idea. And so he asks me if I want a relationship. Very blunt our conversation was. So I started trembling and kind of hyperventilating because I was so scared of a relationship. Yes, me, flight-risk. I think I may have developed a new phobia, not just of planes but of commitment. But I was honest with him and told him I don't think I could handle a relationship in this moment in time and he was really understanding. We both agreed to get to know each other better first which I am so glad to hear. I even told him to let me know when he changes his mind about me. Everything was so open.

So yes, a lot happened last night. All the while, during a separate facebook conversation with a new friend I made who wanted to have lunch with me and show me his new camera. I had a feeling there was more than a two new friends having lunch kind of thing. I said yes first, before my conversation with 'confused boy' got too far and I found out he liked me. But after I found out, I realised it wasn't such a good idea to continue with the plans. I was going to cancel it, but then I really value out possible friendship, we have so much interest in the field of photography. So I told he I have a friend who really wants to see me that day and whether she could join us. He said yes. So everything seems fine from there. But today he messages me saying that something came up and he wants to raincheck on our lunch meet-up, which means I do not know how to pull my friend into our next possible lunch 'date' since I said I haven't seen her in a while and she was really keen to see me again.

But yes, A LOT happened last night. And I was so glad my close friend was on the phone to help me during the situation of both of them.

But the main thing I really wanted to express here is that I really can't multi-think (my word opposed to multi-task). I'm so glad my head kicked in during last night's situation otherwise right now would probably be 10x worse then what it is now. I could have said yes to the relationship, and I even saw him today, then it would be so weird and all I could think would be him.

What happened today was that I missed an important assessment. If I had said yes to a relationship, I would be blaming it so hard that I would probably jump back out of it (like Mouse from Carrier Diaries, read the end of this post to know what I'm talking about here). After finding out how stupid I was for missing the 10% assessment, I tried talking to the unit coordinator but with no hope. Even after that I was determined to persuade her through an email to give me an alternative assessment, anything than a zero. But after sitting down, having dinner and relaxing, I could think rationally again. There's no use wasting time on something I, deep down, know I am incapable of changing (since I have tried persuading this same unit coordinator last year to let me study the subject in 2nd semester). So instead of delving on something I can't change, why not work towards something I can. And that's preparing for the next few assessments and acing them so that I maintain a HD. It's not a hard unit but I use to worry, and still kinda am, about being kicked out of the unit if I did too well. But I have an excuse now. I missed an assessment so I am putting more effort in to do well which I hope will pay off. They have no reason to kick me out if I really put in a lot of effort.

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Sunday, 7 April 2013

The Great Escape

Man, I really need a vacation... somewhere far away. I just want to forget everything, leave everything, and explore, get lost in beautiful places, see new things and meet new people.

That's why Korea was so perfect. I want to do it again, different city, different people.
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Friday, 5 April 2013

DT: Work hard, focus, move forward, avoid any distraction

I want to do big things. And with a brain that overthinks a lot, why not put it to good use and stop thinking about useless stuff. The last month or two has been dominated by the thoughts of boys. But recently I've been applying for internships, writing down my achievements and expressing the type of skills and hobbies I have. In that period, I was thinking very intensely about myself and not boys. I was thinking about my future and I realised I have a really bright future in front of me.       

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

DT: Love has it's own time

by *oprisco

I definitely won't be entering into a relationship this year, nor next year, even when what appears to be the perfect guy comes along.

You know what? I don't want to meet the guy of my dreams just yet. Because I will just have to ruin it by telling him to wait for me. I want to meet the guy of my dreams when I am ready. 

Then I can fall crazily in love with him, without hesitation.

But I noticed today, as I was walking around at uni, I saw a couple holding hands. Now... I see couples in uni all the time, but I never think about it, nor really look at them. But today there weren't many people around, because it's study break. And I saw them, I really noticed them. Their joy. Counteracted by my thoughts. I realised I am really pessimistic about love.