Being Invisible

I have had a fair share of being innocently ignored recently. Just from people I've met and remember. And I kind of expected them to remember who I was too. But as I waved at her, she looked right through me. It wasn't a good feeling. And this has occurred to me too many times now that I'm starting to wonder why.

What is it about me that just doesn't stand out? My personality or my appearance?
I have been told by my brother that I have a very generic look about me. So maybe my appearance?
But then my personality isn't all that out-there either. I don't have heaps of friends, I don't know heaps of people and I did used to be quite shy. I've improved now. More sociable now, less awkward.

But still. It stings to know that people don't know me when I know them. Throughout primary school I have been extremely quiet, the only reason I stood out was because I was smart so I got awards but other than that, not many people cared about me. They knew I existed, I guess, cause there weren't that many students back in primary school.

Human Feelings

by ~nostalgiaplatz

But then came high school, it just kind of came and gone. I never really made an impact on anything. It's kind of saddening, knowing that nobody really knew me other than my close friends. Not even the teachers will remember me. Not even my mentor teacher, the one who is assigned to look after that one class for that one year. I was in a class of.. what 20 so people? And my mentor teacher in year 12 always got my name confused with another girl. I mean, we're both Asian, I get it, I can excuse her ignorance for that.

But what really hit me like a 20 tonne truck in full speed is this: every year in our year book we have a pages dedicated to each class, a page where we creatively showcase our class. What we decided on doing was mugshots with a description of a crime we committed. We took photos during class and they were going to be used. The teacher said she'd surprise us with what crime she thinks we would commit. And here's what hit me. At the end of the year, when the year book came out, every student in my class was on that page... every student except for me. She forgot about me. I mean how do you leave a student out? You have a list of names of students in your class, plus there are photos of each student from that time we took photos just for it. Maybe she deleted all mine thinking I was the same girl she keeps getting me mixed up with? I don't know. But our class was only filled with around 20 people. My own mentor teacher didn't know I existed. So for year 12, my graduating year, I didn't exist in that class.

I guess that's why I strive to be heard these days. I want a career that will give me exposure to a great vast of people. I want people to know I exist, I want to be heard. What more? I want to be influential.

There's one life we live and so far I haven't been living it very well. It's never too late to start though... I guess. I don't regret my past, no, not at all. It was who I was, what is there to really regret about? It's just that my past has paved my way to a future I want to have. And that's a good thing.

Anyway, June is approaching fast so here's a preview of my next issue: My Little Seacret

LIU WEN: Met Gala 2013

I'm surprised the Red Carpet Fashion Awards still hasn't posted her outfit yet, I guess because there aren't any proper photos yet. Either way, I happy to fill this void.
My, my, my. Liu Wen is my no.1 supermodel for so many reasons.

This is her look!!

She is wearing Alexander McQueen. Revealed 15 hours ago with this posted on her Facebook:
Psst...unscramble the random phrase below to find out which designer Liu Wen will be wearing to the Met Gala tonight! She will be on the Red Carpet very soon...

DeviantArt Journal Dump: GREAT EXPECTATIONS

A lot has happened these past few nights. So I'm just going to start by 'dumping' my journal entries here.

dreaming underwater

by ~CookmePancakes

Secret Fears

• by ~applesttar, 2 days, 49 minutes ago
• Journals / Personal

• Mood:  Suffering

I finally told my close friends what I've been through to make me have such a intense fear. I was on the verge of tears as I told them, feeling my throat swell up. But I wasn't the type to cry, especially in public. It's just that talking about it made the fears more real, the pain more real.

But it feels good to tell someone about it. Even though they can't help me, I know they're their to listen whenever I need them.

One of them told me maybe I just shouldn't be in a relationship yet, another friend said but I can't be single for the rest of my life. And I know I can't. But I will be if I don't somehow overcome this fear. It's killing me.

I don't know if talking about it really helped though. As I said, the pain feels a lot more real now. I'm suffering too much, it really hurts, it does. I want to end it but there's no end to it. I'm torturing myself. I feel like crying right now. I haven't cried for a while. Maybe crying will help?? I'm trying to cry but my eyes are dry. My heart is so heavy. Why can't I just let it all out? I hope I don't develop depression. I think I'm stronger than that though.

Either way, the guy I was dreaming about, he seems to have stopped liking me. I feel as though I'm pestering him too much. He's given up on me.

Guess what's meant to be will be... and what won't just won't. The timing was all wrong.

Die Alone

• by ~applesttar, 2 days, 27 minutes ago
• Journals / Personal

• Mood:  Suffering

False, crying doesn't make things better. I feel somewhat less emotionally overwhelmed but my walls are back up. Completely.

He was secretly tearing them down without knowing, but him not seeming to care about me now has got me putting my walls up high above the sky. Higher than ever. I'm going to die alone.

Giving up on myself now.

Crazy

• by ~applesttar, 1 day, 23 hours ago
• Journals / Personal

• Mood:  Hysterical

Tonight's a crazy night. Since this is my third journal entry in less than an hour.
I've lost control of my head and now I'm just going with my heart. I guess that's a good thing in a way since I have been overthinking so much in the past, leading me nowhere but with massive headaches.

I've decided to tell him I still like him. With no clue whether he feels the same still or not. Brave? No I'm just crazy.

Feeling Better

• by ~applesttar, 1 day, 21 hours ago
• Journals / Personal

• Mood:  Content

Wow, what an emotional rollercoaster tonight.

Turns out I was right, he no longer liked me.
My friend says I deserve better.
Yeahhhh, maybe he really isn't the one.
I need a guy who takes charge and he has never taken charge...
always making me the one to do the talking.
He's a nice guy, but he's not the other puzzle piece that fits me perfectly.

Strange thing about me is I can fall out of love with someone really easily once I know they don't love me.
I stop loving someone when they don't love me back. Guess that's a good thing about my heart.
But then I can fall in love with someone really easily when they love me...
which can be very dangerous since some boys can fall really easily.

I'm happy again, because there's no boy trouble anymore, and I don't have to be thinking about my love life anytime soon. My problem of commitment/relationships can be battled later in the future when I need to, when someone else comes along and I have to try take down my walls. But for now there is no one I need to take these 50 thousand feet walls down for.

Pushing my problem to the back for now. One day I will have to face it again. But until then, I'm enjoying life.

Stronger

• by ~applesttar, 1 day, 1 hour ago
• Journals / Personal

• Mood:  Pride

I am stronger than I thought.

Rain

• by ~applesttar, 1 day, 38 minutes ago
• Journals / Personal

• Mood:  Love

I love rain. 
The drops are like diamonds on my window.
Beautiful precious gems reflecting off the light and into my life.
The sound of rain is also very soothing, hearing the pitter-patter on the window as you're safe inside.

I'm so happy right now. So glad to have friends. Someone who truly understands what you are going through. It's amazing the similarities we have with the problems in our lives, the experiences we've had and the similarities with those. It is good to know someone can truly relate to you because they have gone through the same thing. Their amazing love is all I need.

I am truly blessed with the friends I have.

The 4+1 Theory of Love

I came across a fictional story on facebook and it was just so beautiful. The story, below, was written by Matthew Zachary Liu.

The phone rang. 

She was sobbing badly on the other end of the line.

“I’m going over,” I told her and hung up before she could protest.

1am. It was going to be a long night ahead..

She was still crying when she opened the door. She looked so broken, so vulnerable. I didn’t have to know what was wrong, I just held her in my arms. She cried even more.

“He broke up with me,” she finally said.

I just kept quiet as she let it all out.. questions, tears, anger, hurt.

“Why does love have to hurt so much?”

“No, love.. doesn’t hurt,” I said gently.

“So says the guy who’s been single forever? What would you know about love,” she jabbed.

“So says the guy who’s been your friend though Mr now-ex-#4,” I grinned. “Love doesn’t hurt you.. it’s the person that doesn’t know how to love or appreciate love that hurts you. But love never hurts,”.

“You won’t understand, Matt,” she sighed, “you’ve never been in love…”

“That’s not entirely true, you know..”

“Wait what- so who’s this girl I’ve never heard abou-“

“What did you love about #4 anyway?” I interjected.

“I don’t know… he is just perfect. And I love him so much,”

“But you don’t know what it is that you love about him?”

“It’s just.. the feeling when I’m with him. It always felt right with him. He made me feel loved and I loved him too,”

“That’s it? Just a feeling?”

“Well.. yea. What were you expecting me to say?”

“.. something more specific, maybe? I mean, if you thought he’s so ‘perfect’, why’d he still chea- erm, why’d he leave you?”

“Because I’m just not good enough for him? I don’t know..” she paused. “What is love to you then…”

“Hmm.. to me, being together or in love with someone should be more that just a feeling.. it should also be about mutual understanding, acceptance, respect, commitment and trust.”

“That’s what all couples would hope and want their relationship to be like, Matt. But expectations and reality don’t always go together..”

“Or maybe.. someone’s just not trying?”

“Well if you think love is so simple.. why haven’t you been with anyone all these years?”

“I never said love was simple.. but I guess the reason why I’ve never been with anyone yet is because.. I already know exactly what I want,”

“You have.. a checklist?”

“Sorta. It’s not the typical kinda ‘I’d like a girl with long hair, nice smile, etc’ superficial checklist though,”

“Oh. What kind of list is it then?”

“It’s like.. a concept of love. Of what it is about a girl that will make me fall completely in love with her. A concept that has more than three specific reasons that would answer any question as to why I love her.”

“You have a concept of love?” she laughed. “Love isn’t a theory, Matt.. you can’t just classify love by a concept or definition, you simply feel it with your heart..”

“But you see.. the reason why I think there are so many broken hearts, is because people merely jump into a relationship when their heart feels a certain something towards someone. But I don’t think that’s love, that’s merely an infatuation. Personally, I believe there are more than three reasons and aspects that actually determines whether we really are truly in love beyond the superficial ‘I don’t know why I love him/her.. I just do’ reason,”

“That makes sense. So what exactly is this.. ‘concept’ of yours about?” she asked, genuine curiosity replacing her initial skepticism.

“I call it the 4+1 theory. The aspects that will determine if it’s true love or just a fickle infatuation. It’s based on this idea that whenever we like someone, if we really go deeper into what is it that draws us to him or her, we’d be able to find that one specific reason. That’s not love though. That’s merely an attraction or infatuation. But when more than three of the aspects from this theory are present, you’ll be pretty sure that it’s more than just a feeling. For me personally, this determines if I’ll ever fall in love with a girl…”

Mind. Heart. Body. Soul.

The mind aspect, to put it simply, is her intellect. But I don’t mean the academic smarts.. it’s the way she thinks, processes and analyzes things way beyond a shallow self centeredness. It’s the way she puts across her thoughts, not for winning an argument’s sake, but to really try to understand or even sensibly debate opposing views that might leave anyone reflecting on her words or challenge me to think differently. It’s the way she carries herself off with an aura of sophistication and enigmatic charm and no matter how much I might think I already know her or have her figured out, she’ll still surprise me with something unexpected. Good surprise. I like intellect. Personally, it takes a little more to intrigue me and stimulate my senses. If I can connect with someone and talk endlessly about the concept of nothing, then, only then, will we be able to talk about everything else.. and I think that’s incredibly alluring,”

“Ooh.. so my best friend’s sapiosexual too,” she teased. “But what about her likes and dislikes or like her personality.. does that go under the mind aspect too?”

“Well, that’s where the heart aspect comes in. The heart represents who she is by what she values or cares about. The things she likes, the things she dislikes. What really matters to her, as well as her insecurities and fears..”

She bit her lower lip - thinking. “But what if him knowing about my past and all my insecurities scares him or drives him away? Or what if he ever uses all of these against me if someday things go bad between us?”

“Erm.. you do realize that it doesn’t really matter now because whether or not he ever knew, he already chose to leave you right? But.. if he still or ever tries to hurt you in any way, then he is a fucking bastard and I will punch his face,”. I really meant it.

“I don’t think he even cares about me anymore,” she sighed, “maybe he never really did.. we were so.. different. I don’t know why I never actually realize it before,”

“Maybe because then, you were too ‘blinded by love’ to see, or you chose to conveniently ignore the differences. Honestly though, I think it’s critical for two people to understand each other’s heart and learn to accommodate each other’s differences rather than simply turning a blind eye or deaf ear ‘because I love him and that’s all that matters’. Because if two people are too different in the way they think, behave or live.. I reckon it will become a huge problem when the infatuation bubble bursts.”

“I don’t really understand..” she said.

“Let me just ask you this.. does he know how passionate you are towards the arts and music?"

“Well, no.. not really. He’s more the sports kind of guy and doesn’t like theatre and stuff so I didn’t want him to get bored if I talked to him about things he isn’t interested in..”

“Then i’m guessing he probably also doesn’t care or know the little things about you. Like how you’re afraid of the dark and why you’re actually scared of darkness.. how family and relationships are really important to you.. that ice cream is your happy pill. You know, I’m even going to bet that he doesn’t know you go to bed every night, clutching your phone just hoping and waiting for him to text you goodnight..”

She started to tear again, but I continued..

“You see, it’s not a matter of whether it bores him or not.. it’s a matter of whether he bothers or not. I mean, if he doesn’t even know these things about you, then he really doesn’t know you at all. How then can he say he loves you?”

“But I really loved him,” she murmured softly to herself .

“I know you did. I know you still do and it’s hurting you like shit. But you need to know that for any kind of relationship to work.. two people need to give and take. Sadly, with him, it seems like you’re the one who was always giving. If he actually really loved you back as much, he’d make a greater effort to close the gap and bridge the differences between you two. He’d want to hear what you have to say, he would actually consider your opinions, your needs and your feelings. He’ll not just tell you or text you that he loves you.. he’ll show it by the things he will do or be willing to do no matter how inconvenient or silly it might be, just because.. he knows it’ll make you happier or better. To me, when it comes to a relationship, the heart aspect isn’t just a feeling or who you/he or she is anymore. It becomes two hearts beating as one. Two people wanting to understand each other.. sharing the good, the bad and possibly a future together; actually bothering and supporting each other’s feelings, values, dreams, thoughts, emotions,”

She stayed silent for a long while before she looked up, holding my gaze.. there was this unspoken tension building before she finally spoke again.

“But.. what if something that’s important to me, is not something the guy might feel same way about?"

“Then I’ll try-” I caught myself. “I mean, if I were him. I’d try. I’d make the effort.. because it’s important to you and you’re important to me,”

She remained silent again. She wasn’t crying anymore but this time, the prolonged silence was starting to grow even more deafening.

“Matt,” she finally spoke - softly, “do you believe in love at first sight?”

“No.” I said flatly.

“Oh..” she sighed. “You know what you said about mind and heart.. it’s actually starting to sink in and I’m beginning to realize that maybe these two aspects weren’t exactly a big part of my relationship with him,”

“So what made you fall in love with him then?”

“Well.. don’t laugh, but I’ve always thought that with him, it was love at first sight. I mean, there was just this spark between us from the very first time we met,”

“Cos he was hot?” I scoffed.

“No.. don’t be an idiot,” she tried to hide her smile but failed. I rolled my eyes. “Okay fine, yea maybe that. But it wasn’t the only reason!”

I raised an eyebrow.

“He was really nice too! And he was always sweet to me,“ she began her defense case. “He always made me feel happy, secure and loved without even having to try, you know?” I just continued staring at her waiting for her to go on. “Oh never mind, you’d never understand..”

“Actually.. I do. And I think I now understand what it was that made you fall in love with him.

The body aspect.

May 2013: Fall in Love

Holy! Exams sure makes time fly! It's already the end of April which means my May issue for my Magazine blog is coming out soon. And I haven't even started working on June's issue!! Oh no! I'm worried I may not get June issue out on time... I haven't even started writing the article...

Anyway, here's a preview for May's issue:

Opportunities... take them

Opportunity is often difficult to recognize; we usually expect it to beckon us with beepers and billboards.  ~William Arthur Ward

Opportunity is a bird that never perches.  ~Claude McDonald

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.  ~Mark Twain

Seize every opportunity along the way, for how sad it would be if the road you chose became the road not taken.  ~Robert Brault

Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss.  ~Author Unknown

The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.  ~Helen Rowland

Over time, the hurt doesn't hurt. Only regret does. ~Terri Guillemets

Grasp your opportunities, no matter how poor your health; nothing is worse for your health than boredom. ~Mignon McLaughlin

LookBook

Started a lookbook account, here.

Here's the look for today. It's Anzac Day and my fam decided to go out for dimsum which was really nice. I love going out for dimsum with the family.

Haven't done a OOTD for agessss cause this blog has just been overrun by emotional posts of my life and anything fashion related generally goes into my Magazine Blog Infatuations by Elle. Trying to get more exposure for my blogs so I thought it would be great, and fun also, to open a lookbook account. The looks people have on there are so inspiring.