Thursday, 30 May 2013

Play Your Game

by ~NerySoul

  • Mood:  Disgust
  • Listening to: You've Changed - K.Rowland (ft Bey & Michelle)
What is wrong with you? In front of your friends today, you ask me if I think you are good-looking. I paused to think, and replied with 'No'. What did you expect me to say? 'Yes, you are so good-looking!'? I have told you I thought you were cute and handsome once, to you only, when I was still into you. Did you forget? Or did you want to know whether I still felt the same about you since everything that has happened between us? Or are you just narcissistic? Hmmmm, or rather is it that you have such low self esteem you were coming to me to seek some confidence? If so I'm sorry if I disappointed by saying no (sarcasm, no I'm not sorry). Seriously, what did you expect me to say? 

I realised what I fell for in you. You were a real flirt, a master of words, had the power to steal a girl's heart by making her feel special. You were a real pro. You kept telling me how rare it was to find a girl from the same hometown as you, as we are both born into a family of immigrants. I fell for it. You made me feel like I should cherish something so rare, like it was destiny for us to meet. I didn't realise that was why I fell for you, that's why I was so conflicted. You were a real flirt around other girls, I knew it but yet I still walked into it. The things you said made you sound so nice, I was reading over our messages to each other (before later deleting it all) and saw the one where you said: "when others are happy, I'm happy". It seems so unreal, for someone to be so good. I've never heard a single boy say that before, and I told you that, because I guess it's a really feminine thing to say. You made yourself so good in my eyes. But you told me you no longer liked me when I told you I still liked you, I'm so glad and lucky I was no longer your target as I was incapable of saving myself. But what are you doing now?    

I am trying to move on, and I have moved quite far away from you already. It's going to be almost impossible for you to pull me back. Quite impossible. I see your name, I hear your name, and my heart still jumps a beat, but it doesn't mean I want you anymore. It's the thought of what we could have had that makes my heart jump a beat. My friend advised me to just have fun, to take the flirt out to full extents but always tell myself this is nothing but flirts. To play you back. I would never do this to anyone else, but with you I think it is necessary. You keep playing me. In order to not get hurt, I need to play your game. Lead you on? Revenge? I don't know, does it matter what my subconscious intentions are when my main intention is to just survive around you?
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Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Relationships in Today's Society

I was going to make the title: Love in Today's Society, but realised that was a completely wrong word to use. That is what this post is going to be all about. The non-existent love in many relationships today.

I believe our generation has a lot more knowledge about relationships than our previous generation. We are more educated about the interactions between two people, we are more morally educated. But yet we are also more likely to manipulate this. We know what's right and wrong but there are still those who do it anyway, those who cheat. But strangely enough, I believe it's better than being ignorant: Doing it and not knowing you're wrong. If they know they're wrong, maybe they have more of a chance of changing.

by ~paintedpoppy

A few years back I was still believing in fairytales, of simple innocent love. But I have grown and I have seen the people around me. I have been exposed to the fact that 'friends with benefits' exists and is actually very common. The first time I heard about this concept was when that movie came out. Yes, that one with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. And that was when? Only a little less than 2 years ago? I thought the whole 'friends with benefits' was a concept some person thought of just for the movie. Innocent naive me right?

Well turns out 'friends with benefits' has become very common in our society. It doesn't have to go to the same extent as the movie to be classified as friends with benefits. It is also friends with benefits when it's just making-out but with no emotional attachment. Friends with benefits is when it's physical but with no emotional attachment, that's the enjoyment people get out of it. Emotional attachment is when it hurts. I realised that this concept is beyond just in a movie, and is everywhere around me. If I was still an innocent child I would have looked down upon these people but I'm not, so I don't. That is how they find enjoyment and since it's mutual, there is no need to look down on them. Though it is a new absurd way to find enjoyment I must say. The new age of 'hook-ups' and 'friends with benefits'. These are new forms of relationships. It's not love.

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Nothing as you have imagined



It's so true... seriously. Why? It's like God is playing games with me. Not that I really believe in a particular God. Destiny? Fate? I don't know, it just feels like I'm being played. 

On Wednesday I was expecting to see him at lunch so I kind of, well, dressed up extra nice. But I didn't end up seeing him, my friends decided to go have lunch somewhere else.

On Thursday I was planning on having lunch somewhere else with another friend, but then that friend bails on me so I ended up having lunch with him and his friends.

See, nothing as I expected/planned. He's not there when I want him there, but he comes at me when I don't want him there...

What is this??

I think I'm over him. Like I really understand how we will not work out. When I see him, there are feelings (I  guess they will never truly go away) but they are really weak feelings. I have full control of myself again. 

The feeling of being over someone is really nice. You know they no longer have a hold on you, they can no longer hurt you. It's good to be emotionally free from them. 

How you know you are truly over someone? The fact that you know if they turn around and suddenly want you again you would reject them. It doesn't matter if there is still that slight feeling in your heart for them, as long as you know you will definitely, with no doubt what so ever, you would reject him. 

That is me. Now. 

But when I liked him, when I really wanted him, he said no. Now that I'm over him, he's being really nice to me again. Timing is a b*tch. I can never read him anymore, he's just so different and weird. He's not like a typical boy who does typical things. He's overly nice to everyone. So I have no idea whether his intentions are good or bad, or if he has any intentions in general. 

Friday, 17 May 2013

Being Invisible

I have had a fair share of being innocently ignored recently. Just from people I've met and remember. And I kind of expected them to remember who I was too. But as I waved at her, she looked right through me. It wasn't a good feeling. And this has occurred to me too many times now that I'm starting to wonder why.

What is it about me that just doesn't stand out? My personality or my appearance?
I have been told by my brother that I have a very generic look about me. So maybe my appearance?
But then my personality isn't all that out-there either. I don't have heaps of friends, I don't know heaps of people and I did used to be quite shy. I've improved now. More sociable now, less awkward.

But still. It stings to know that people don't know me when I know them. Throughout primary school I have been extremely quiet, the only reason I stood out was because I was smart so I got awards but other than that, not many people cared about me. They knew I existed, I guess, cause there weren't that many students back in primary school.

by ~nostalgiaplatz

But then came high school, it just kind of came and gone. I never really made an impact on anything. It's kind of saddening, knowing that nobody really knew me other than my close friends. Not even the teachers will remember me. Not even my mentor teacher, the one who is assigned to look after that one class for that one year. I was in a class of.. what 20 so people? And my mentor teacher in year 12 always got my name confused with another girl. I mean, we're both Asian, I get it, I can excuse her ignorance for that.

But what really hit me like a 20 tonne truck in full speed is this: every year in our year book we have a pages dedicated to each class, a page where we creatively showcase our class. What we decided on doing was mugshots with a description of a crime we committed. We took photos during class and they were going to be used. The teacher said she'd surprise us with what crime she thinks we would commit. And here's what hit me. At the end of the year, when the year book came out, every student in my class was on that page... every student except for me. She forgot about me. I mean how do you leave a student out? You have a list of names of students in your class, plus there are photos of each student from that time we took photos just for it. Maybe she deleted all mine thinking I was the same girl she keeps getting me mixed up with? I don't know. But our class was only filled with around 20 people. My own mentor teacher didn't know I existed. So for year 12, my graduating year, I didn't exist in that class.

I guess that's why I strive to be heard these days. I want a career that will give me exposure to a great vast of people. I want people to know I exist, I want to be heard. What more? I want to be influential.

There's one life we live and so far I haven't been living it very well. It's never too late to start though... I guess. I don't regret my past, no, not at all. It was who I was, what is there to really regret about? It's just that my past has paved my way to a future I want to have. And that's a good thing.

Anyway, June is approaching fast so here's a preview of my next issue: My Little Seacret

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

LIU WEN: Met Gala 2013

I'm surprised the Red Carpet Fashion Awards still hasn't posted her outfit yet, I guess because there aren't any proper photos yet. Either way, I happy to fill this void.
My, my, my. Liu Wen is my no.1 supermodel for so many reasons.

This is her look!!

She is wearing Alexander McQueen. Revealed 15 hours ago with this posted on her Facebook:
Psst...unscramble the random phrase below to find out which designer Liu Wen will be wearing to the Met Gala tonight! She will be on the Red Carpet very soon...

Thursday, 2 May 2013

DeviantArt Journal Dump: GREAT EXPECTATIONS

A lot has happened these past few nights. So I'm just going to start by 'dumping' my journal entries here.

by ~CookmePancakes

  • Mood:  Suffering
I finally told my close friends what I've been through to make me have such a intense fear. I was on the verge of tears as I told them, feeling my throat swell up. But I wasn't the type to cry, especially in public. It's just that talking about it made the fears more real, the pain more real.

But it feels good to tell someone about it. Even though they can't help me, I know they're their to listen whenever I need them.

One of them told me maybe I just shouldn't be in a relationship yet, another friend said but I can't be single for the rest of my life. And I know I can't. But I will be if I don't somehow overcome this fear. It's killing me.

I don't know if talking about it really helped though. As I said, the pain feels a lot more real now. I'm suffering too much, it really hurts, it does. I want to end it but there's no end to it. I'm torturing myself. I feel like crying right now. I haven't cried for a while. Maybe crying will help?? I'm trying to cry but my eyes are dry. My heart is so heavy. Why can't I just let it all out? I hope I don't develop depression. I think I'm stronger than that though.

Either way, the guy I was dreaming about, he seems to have stopped liking me. I feel as though I'm pestering him too much. He's given up on me.

Guess what's meant to be will be... and what won't just won't. The timing was all wrong.

  • Mood:  Suffering
False, crying doesn't make things better. I feel somewhat less emotionally overwhelmed but my walls are back up. Completely.

He was secretly tearing them down without knowing, but him not seeming to care about me now has got me putting my walls up high above the sky. Higher than ever. I'm going to die alone.

Giving up on myself now.
  • Mood:  Hysterical
Tonight's a crazy night. Since this is my third journal entry in less than an hour.
I've lost control of my head and now I'm just going with my heart. I guess that's a good thing in a way since I have been overthinking so much in the past, leading me nowhere but with massive headaches.

I've decided to tell him I still like him. With no clue whether he feels the same still or not. Brave? No I'm just crazy.
  • Mood:  Content
Wow, what an emotional rollercoaster tonight.

Turns out I was right, he no longer liked me.
My friend says I deserve better.
Yeahhhh, maybe he really isn't the one.
I need a guy who takes charge and he has never taken charge...
always making me the one to do the talking.
He's a nice guy, but he's not the other puzzle piece that fits me perfectly.

Strange thing about me is I can fall out of love with someone really easily once I know they don't love me.
I stop loving someone when they don't love me back. Guess that's a good thing about my heart.
But then I can fall in love with someone really easily when they love me...
which can be very dangerous since some boys can fall really easily.

I'm happy again, because there's no boy trouble anymore, and I don't have to be thinking about my love life anytime soon. My problem of commitment/relationships can be battled later in the future when I need to, when someone else comes along and I have to try take down my walls. But for now there is no one I need to take these 50 thousand feet walls down for.

Pushing my problem to the back for now. One day I will have to face it again. But until then, I'm enjoying life.
  • Mood:  Pride
I am stronger than I thought.
  • Mood:  Love
I love rain. 
The drops are like diamonds on my window.
Beautiful precious gems reflecting off the light and into my life.
The sound of rain is also very soothing, hearing the pitter-patter on the window as you're safe inside.

I'm so happy right now. So glad to have friends. Someone who truly understands what you are going through. It's amazing the similarities we have with the problems in our lives, the experiences we've had and the similarities with those. It is good to know someone can truly relate to you because they have gone through the same thing. Their amazing love is all I need.

I am truly blessed with the friends I have.