Friday, 17 May 2013

Being Invisible

I have had a fair share of being innocently ignored recently. Just from people I've met and remember. And I kind of expected them to remember who I was too. But as I waved at her, she looked right through me. It wasn't a good feeling. And this has occurred to me too many times now that I'm starting to wonder why.

What is it about me that just doesn't stand out? My personality or my appearance?
I have been told by my brother that I have a very generic look about me. So maybe my appearance?
But then my personality isn't all that out-there either. I don't have heaps of friends, I don't know heaps of people and I did used to be quite shy. I've improved now. More sociable now, less awkward.

But still. It stings to know that people don't know me when I know them. Throughout primary school I have been extremely quiet, the only reason I stood out was because I was smart so I got awards but other than that, not many people cared about me. They knew I existed, I guess, cause there weren't that many students back in primary school.

by ~nostalgiaplatz

But then came high school, it just kind of came and gone. I never really made an impact on anything. It's kind of saddening, knowing that nobody really knew me other than my close friends. Not even the teachers will remember me. Not even my mentor teacher, the one who is assigned to look after that one class for that one year. I was in a class of.. what 20 so people? And my mentor teacher in year 12 always got my name confused with another girl. I mean, we're both Asian, I get it, I can excuse her ignorance for that.

But what really hit me like a 20 tonne truck in full speed is this: every year in our year book we have a pages dedicated to each class, a page where we creatively showcase our class. What we decided on doing was mugshots with a description of a crime we committed. We took photos during class and they were going to be used. The teacher said she'd surprise us with what crime she thinks we would commit. And here's what hit me. At the end of the year, when the year book came out, every student in my class was on that page... every student except for me. She forgot about me. I mean how do you leave a student out? You have a list of names of students in your class, plus there are photos of each student from that time we took photos just for it. Maybe she deleted all mine thinking I was the same girl she keeps getting me mixed up with? I don't know. But our class was only filled with around 20 people. My own mentor teacher didn't know I existed. So for year 12, my graduating year, I didn't exist in that class.

I guess that's why I strive to be heard these days. I want a career that will give me exposure to a great vast of people. I want people to know I exist, I want to be heard. What more? I want to be influential.

There's one life we live and so far I haven't been living it very well. It's never too late to start though... I guess. I don't regret my past, no, not at all. It was who I was, what is there to really regret about? It's just that my past has paved my way to a future I want to have. And that's a good thing.

Anyway, June is approaching fast so here's a preview of my next issue: My Little Seacret

I guess that's why I love being creative, with photography, (fashion) designing and blogging. Being so deprived of attention, and of a voice, I found a way to express it in a different form. But I want to go beyond this. The future I seek, I want real attention, and a real voice that is heard.

And I also want to add, however, that I am pleasantly surprised when the opposite happens. When people I don't expect to know me actually know me. This is however, only occuring at uni and only recently, because as I said, my personality has somewhat changed and I am less shy. But these occurrences are very rare, I am very used to being the one who remembers someone but they don't remember me. They're nice people, it's not their fault, I guess the real problem has just been my quiet personality... which is slowly changing in a good way.

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