Sunday, 9 November 2014

You never loved me

I gave my heart away to someone who wouldn't even jump over
 a puddle for me when I would swim across the ocean for

a gloomy day by CasheeFoo

by CasheeFoo

I've finally come to realise that when I decided to give you a chance by letting you into my life, I fell for the hope you gave me, the hope that you could fix me by loving me. That by showering me with love, the broken pieces of my heart would be mended back together. 

And I guess that wasn't fair on you and our relationship was bound to fail from the beginning. I thought you could teach me how to love. And in a torturous way, you did. My heart was numb from the previous immense impact. You got rid of the anesthetic and broke my heart down further, slowly but unintentionally. 

Now aware of how broken I truly am from the pain you let me feel, I could now begin fixing myself... by myself. I am in gratitude to you for giving me hope, hope that helped me face my fear, but it was only hope you gave me. Not love. You never truly loved me. Not the way I loved you.

Now 9 months since we've parted ways, I still think of us sometimes. And from time to time, I notice more and more things that I didn't when I was blinded by how much I wanted to show my love to you. Your love was calculated, you never gave freely. That's why it always felt so uncomfortable and I could never just talk to you. 

All you ever gave me was hope, from the kind sweet words you spoke. The considerate words showing understanding felt good to hear. And it helped ease the pain of my already-broken heart. But you fell short, because all they ever were... were words. You never did all the things you said you would. You said that if I ever needed you, you would drive to my home. That time I cried in public, at a restaurant, because of you... that was one of the times I really needed you to drive to me, to have me in your arms. I never cry in public, I don't even remember the last time I did. Heck I don't even usually show I'm sad to friends, not less cry in front of one. But you never showed up, your excuse was that you didn't think I wanted to see you, I cried over the phone telling you to come at once... my heart breaks now just from the memory... how could you have been so stupid... Maybe you weren't stupid, you calculated it perfectly. Time with your friends at that buffet outweighed having me crying in your arms, oh! and also the petrol, you saved on petrol too. 

... by intelkuritsa
by intelkuritsa
And then the next time I really needed you was when I completely shut you off for about a week because I thought the problems that caused my heart to break into a million times in the first place, was back, that it was happening again. You said you were worried about me, told me to tell someone, even if it wasn't you, anyone, a close friend... your words helped, to hear you care so much, it warmed my heart. But when I was ready to tell you, when I told you to drive to my house. You complained, excuses once more, that you just got home and was really tired. I was finally ready to open up about why I shut you off for a week and was crying to myself, to let you know why I am so insecure, why I'm so scared to love you... the answers to all our problems and you... you were too tired. I was most vulnerable in that moment and I needed you. But you didn't come. 

There was that other time, 11pm at night from the train station, you let me walk far into the dark night in search of my car without even asking whether I wanted you to accompany me. I was scared, I made you aware that I was scared. Your words of comfort? "Text me when you're in your car safe and sound". I was young and stupid. I thought that was enough to show how much you loved and cared about me. I was happy when I heard those words and off I went into the darkness, satisfied by that. Only now do I know that was completely immature and inconsiderate of you, as my boyfriend. And I also know now, how completely furious my parents were that you let me walk off into the night alone. 

So yes, all you were, everything about you, how considerate and understanding you were were all words you made yourself out to be. All the things you said you would do for me never happened when I needed you. And I guess, all the words you said showing how you understand me were probably just words too and not in line with the truth.

I wonder if you know this about yourself...

All these realisations of how fake you were, how I gave my heart away to someone who wouldn't even jump over a puddle for me when I would swim across the ocean for. This makes me really dislike you. Despise you. Sickens me to the stomach. How stupid was I?

0007 by masyaka-kusyaka

And because of the lack of love you gave, you only reinforce the premature idea I've had all along, love is dead. I wish I didn't come to this realisation about you. Because even after we ended, I loved you and was thankful for everything you gave me. You made me believe love still existed even though ours didn't last. Only now I realise you prove the complete polar opposite. My walls are a hundred feet high now, unable to let anyone in again because of you. You screwed me over. I'm not sure I'm glad you were my first anymore... At least we ended well, I was happy. To be honest, if a first love is to end, I guess I'm glad ours lacked the love so I don't hang onto it at all. So I take it back, I'm glad you were my first, so I could experience a general idea of what a relationship is like... so that next time I can be taken away by the real thing and never lose it.

Now I know why I felt so relieved when we broke up, because I was finally free from a loveless relationship.

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