Thursday, 2 May 2013

DeviantArt Journal Dump: GREAT EXPECTATIONS

A lot has happened these past few nights. So I'm just going to start by 'dumping' my journal entries here.

by ~CookmePancakes

  • Mood:  Suffering
I finally told my close friends what I've been through to make me have such a intense fear. I was on the verge of tears as I told them, feeling my throat swell up. But I wasn't the type to cry, especially in public. It's just that talking about it made the fears more real, the pain more real.

But it feels good to tell someone about it. Even though they can't help me, I know they're their to listen whenever I need them.

One of them told me maybe I just shouldn't be in a relationship yet, another friend said but I can't be single for the rest of my life. And I know I can't. But I will be if I don't somehow overcome this fear. It's killing me.

I don't know if talking about it really helped though. As I said, the pain feels a lot more real now. I'm suffering too much, it really hurts, it does. I want to end it but there's no end to it. I'm torturing myself. I feel like crying right now. I haven't cried for a while. Maybe crying will help?? I'm trying to cry but my eyes are dry. My heart is so heavy. Why can't I just let it all out? I hope I don't develop depression. I think I'm stronger than that though.

Either way, the guy I was dreaming about, he seems to have stopped liking me. I feel as though I'm pestering him too much. He's given up on me.

Guess what's meant to be will be... and what won't just won't. The timing was all wrong.

  • Mood:  Suffering
False, crying doesn't make things better. I feel somewhat less emotionally overwhelmed but my walls are back up. Completely.

He was secretly tearing them down without knowing, but him not seeming to care about me now has got me putting my walls up high above the sky. Higher than ever. I'm going to die alone.

Giving up on myself now.
  • Mood:  Hysterical
Tonight's a crazy night. Since this is my third journal entry in less than an hour.
I've lost control of my head and now I'm just going with my heart. I guess that's a good thing in a way since I have been overthinking so much in the past, leading me nowhere but with massive headaches.

I've decided to tell him I still like him. With no clue whether he feels the same still or not. Brave? No I'm just crazy.
  • Mood:  Content
Wow, what an emotional rollercoaster tonight.

Turns out I was right, he no longer liked me.
My friend says I deserve better.
Yeahhhh, maybe he really isn't the one.
I need a guy who takes charge and he has never taken charge...
always making me the one to do the talking.
He's a nice guy, but he's not the other puzzle piece that fits me perfectly.

Strange thing about me is I can fall out of love with someone really easily once I know they don't love me.
I stop loving someone when they don't love me back. Guess that's a good thing about my heart.
But then I can fall in love with someone really easily when they love me...
which can be very dangerous since some boys can fall really easily.

I'm happy again, because there's no boy trouble anymore, and I don't have to be thinking about my love life anytime soon. My problem of commitment/relationships can be battled later in the future when I need to, when someone else comes along and I have to try take down my walls. But for now there is no one I need to take these 50 thousand feet walls down for.

Pushing my problem to the back for now. One day I will have to face it again. But until then, I'm enjoying life.
  • Mood:  Pride
I am stronger than I thought.
  • Mood:  Love
I love rain. 
The drops are like diamonds on my window.
Beautiful precious gems reflecting off the light and into my life.
The sound of rain is also very soothing, hearing the pitter-patter on the window as you're safe inside.

I'm so happy right now. So glad to have friends. Someone who truly understands what you are going through. It's amazing the similarities we have with the problems in our lives, the experiences we've had and the similarities with those. It is good to know someone can truly relate to you because they have gone through the same thing. Their amazing love is all I need.

I am truly blessed with the friends I have.
  • Mood:  Optimism
I may have too great of an expectation of myself, and of my future. Sometimes lowering these expectations is comforting, even just for a second.

Seriously, these days I have been trying to ace all my Chinese tests because of that one test I missed worth 10%. I have to get at least 90% in all the other tests, including my final exam, to get a High Distinction. I aim to have at least 2 HD's in each semester and so far the other units are not working out well for me.

But sometimes it's okay to lower those expectations, just for second. If I don't end up getting HD's, which means I won't be getting a good Grade Point Average, and that I may not get into a prestigious company that pays well after I graduate then it's ok. Because if I keep working hard, no matter in what stage of your life, good things can still result, it's never too late to make a change even if you have failed in the past. It's never too late to succeed.

And right now, I shouldn't be so hard on myself because it's not like I haven't been working really hard. I have been working hard, really hard. I've actually worked too hard studying for my recent exams that my head went blank during the exam, yes my brain is weak, the exact thing happened for my University Entrance Exams too, but still I got what I wanted and that's an assured pathway into Law. Things may not appear to be working out, by they do. And as they say, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." Keep working hard. You will get what you deserve. No more, no less. It's just a matter of time. "Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success." - Napoleon Hill

by ~weruninhalflight

I'm at my rawest on this blog. Deviantart is a small window for me to write short spurts of emotional stuff but on this blog is where I truly explore myself deeply. I talk about everyone and everything relevant to me at that time, there's no holding back. It's very specific as to what I am talking about here whilst in my journal entries they are generally very vague. To add a bit more context to my journal entries: Two nights ago my mind was about to explode with emotion. I ended up crying over my fear of commitment, thinking that I would die alone because this guy came along but I shut him out and that's when I truly understood that I had a problem. That's when I wanted him back, but he was gone. I told him I still liked him, that I was wrong to friendzone him, that I only did it because I was scared... but... he had changed his mind about me. It was too late.

My friends say it just goes to show he's not the one to help me get over my fear of commitment, the fact that he can change his mind so easily. He's just not my 'one'. And I guess it's true, all this time it was me doing the talking, expressing myself. He never took charge, he was very passive. He never truly showed he cared for just me.

After this emotional night, I called a friend, the one that has been giving me the best advice all this time, and told her everything. I told her about my fear, my experiences, just like I did with my three other closest friends that morning at the cafe, the morning of that emotional night. But unlike my three friends, this friend didn't sound surprised over the phone. She was rather silent, and later in the conversation I found out just why. Because she had experienced the exact same things. It was unbelievable. You can never see that someone could have gone through so much from the surface. Even as close friends I guess we were never this close, until now, for her to tell me. We, the hurt ones, tend to cover things up in front of people, no matter who, we just don't want people to see our dark side.

This has truly bonded us. We have the exact same fear of commitment, the exact same view about men, the same trust issues. We have both been hurt so badly, caused to cry over pain we did not deserve. Shoved into the problems of others when they're the ones who are suppose to set by example. It still hurts. But knowing someone is there who can truly understand how you feel is reassuring. I am blessed to have this friend.

This fear of commitment, knowing it is so real, and so painful... has got me fearing something else, of dying alone. I am so scared I will never let anyone in, of never being able to trust anyone. And with our emotional baggage, I have a problem in believing that any guy would be willing to take it on for us. I think this was one of the reasons why that boy changed his mind about me. I was too much for him to handle. They are still just boys. But as my friends say, maybe there will be that one person who will come and help me take down my walls and help me trust him, and overcome this fear. The one that is capable of doing so is definitely the one, without a doubt. He's just not here yet.

On a somewhat lighter less deep note, I want to say that today began as a good day, all until I found out my result for my mid-semester exam was 63%. I was aiming for the 80s. But I walked out of the exam expecting mid 70s but then after thinking about the questions, I kind of expected lower. Lower the expectations the better, as I have said in my deviantart journal entry. But that aside, the day was really good. Everything was going smoother than I expected. After telling the boy I still liked him, I have semi-dreaded today since Thursday has kinda been 'our' day because I meet up with him and his friends for lunch and later see him in my 2-hour lecture. 

That night that I told him I still liked him, I actually tried to get him to see me again by asking him to meet me and help me with my Chinese oral test. But then talking to him I could feel my emotions and thoughts all building up, it was all too much so I gave in and told him, I told him I still liked him but then found out he no longer felt the same so I told him maybe not seeing him so soon was a good idea and called off the 'meeting' even though he said it was still fine. For him yes, for me it wasn't a good idea. I told him I didn't think it was good to see him the day straight after all this and that I'll see him in the lecture the day after instead.

(And I just gotta add, he is really misleading, even after our conversation about me liking him and him not liking me. He would end our conversation with a love heart emoticon. That... I really don't like about him. But that... is what I fell for.)

So yes, as I was saying before, I was dreading the 'day after' which was today. Thursday. Our day. Seriously, out of all days. No one was free for lunch. I wasn't ready to join him and his friends for lunch. So I numbed myself with assignment work. Spending my hour in the library. Luckily my friend called me towards the end of that hour and we had a short lunch together.

Then the second event of that day that I was kind of dreading... the 2-hour lecture (the lecture he told me he would always attend just to see me). I always have friends with me in that lecture. But today they were all busy. Gone. So I was forced to decide whether to go in and sit alone, or go in and sit with him and his friends, or just leave and go home. I seriously had decided to leave and was ready to walk off when I saw him coming. Seriously. Like how? What is it with timing? I couldn't leave now. He saw me. So then I asked him if I could sit with him and his friends during the lecture cause everyone was not here. Being the usual friendly guy he was he let me.

From trying to avoid him to sitting next to him for 2 hours. Never in my time knowing him have I been in such close proximity with him for so long. Why is God doing this to me? But I could feel he has truly let go of me. He is less awkward around me as he used to be, which I used to hate. Now he really just doesn't seem to care about me. At all. It's kind of sad. I don't know. He's not the one right 'now' but what if he changes his mind again and likes me again? Will I accept him the second time? I don't know. I guess I will have to see how committed he is. I am confused enough on my own. I need a man who knows just what he wants. We won't work if we're both confused. But here I am talking about 'we' when I should be on the road of forgetting him. I really need to get over him. He's not the one. He's not the one. He's not the one. 

by ~evthan

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