I'm at my rawest on this blog. Deviantart is a small window for me to write short spurts of emotional stuff but on this blog is where I truly explore myself deeply. I talk about everyone and everything relevant to me at that time, there's no holding back. It's very specific as to what I am talking about here whilst in my journal entries they are generally very vague. To add a bit more context to my journal entries: Two nights ago my mind was about to explode with emotion. I ended up crying over my fear of commitment, thinking that I would die alone because this guy came along but I shut him out and that's when I truly understood that I had a problem. That's when I wanted him back, but he was gone. I told him I still liked him, that I was wrong to friendzone him, that I only did it because I was scared... but... he had changed his mind about me. It was too late.
My friends say it just goes to show he's not the one to help me get over my fear of commitment, the fact that he can change his mind so easily. He's just not my 'one'. And I guess it's true, all this time it was me doing the talking, expressing myself. He never took charge, he was very passive. He never truly showed he cared for just me.
After this emotional night, I called a friend, the one that has been giving me the best advice all this time, and told her everything. I told her about my fear, my experiences, just like I did with my three other closest friends that morning at the cafe, the morning of that emotional night. But unlike my three friends, this friend didn't sound surprised over the phone. She was rather silent, and later in the conversation I found out just why. Because she had experienced the exact same things. It was unbelievable. You can never see that someone could have gone through so much from the surface. Even as close friends I guess we were never this close, until now, for her to tell me. We, the hurt ones, tend to cover things up in front of people, no matter who, we just don't want people to see our dark side.
This has truly bonded us. We have the exact same fear of commitment, the exact same view about men, the same trust issues. We have both been hurt so badly, caused to cry over pain we did not deserve. Shoved into the problems of others when they're the ones who are suppose to set by example. It still hurts. But knowing someone is there who can truly understand how you feel is reassuring. I am blessed to have this friend.
This fear of commitment, knowing it is so real, and so painful... has got me fearing something else, of dying alone. I am so scared I will never let anyone in, of never being able to trust anyone. And with our emotional baggage, I have a problem in believing that any guy would be willing to take it on for us. I think this was one of the reasons why that boy changed his mind about me. I was too much for him to handle. They are still just boys. But as my friends say, maybe there will be that one person who will come and help me take down my walls and help me trust him, and overcome this fear. The one that is capable of doing so is definitely the one, without a doubt. He's just not here yet.
On a somewhat lighter less deep note, I want to say that today began as a good day, all until I found out my result for my mid-semester exam was 63%. I was aiming for the 80s. But I walked out of the exam expecting mid 70s but then after thinking about the questions, I kind of expected lower. Lower the expectations the better, as I have said in my deviantart journal entry. But that aside, the day was really good. Everything was going smoother than I expected. After telling the boy I still liked him, I have semi-dreaded today since Thursday has kinda been 'our' day because I meet up with him and his friends for lunch and later see him in my 2-hour lecture.
That night that I told him I still liked him, I actually tried to get him to see me again by asking him to meet me and help me with my Chinese oral test. But then talking to him I could feel my emotions and thoughts all building up, it was all too much so I gave in and told him, I told him I still liked him but then found out he no longer felt the same so I told him maybe not seeing him so soon was a good idea and called off the 'meeting' even though he said it was still fine. For him yes, for me it wasn't a good idea. I told him I didn't think it was good to see him the day straight after all this and that I'll see him in the lecture the day after instead.
(And I just gotta add, he is really misleading, even after our conversation about me liking him and him not liking me. He would end our conversation with a love heart emoticon. That... I really don't like about him. But that... is what I fell for.)
So yes, as I was saying before, I was dreading the 'day after' which was today. Thursday. Our day. Seriously, out of all days. No one was free for lunch. I wasn't ready to join him and his friends for lunch. So I numbed myself with assignment work. Spending my hour in the library. Luckily my friend called me towards the end of that hour and we had a short lunch together.
Then the second event of that day that I was kind of dreading... the 2-hour lecture (the lecture he told me he would always attend just to see me). I always have friends with me in that lecture. But today they were all busy. Gone. So I was forced to decide whether to go in and sit alone, or go in and sit with him and his friends, or just leave and go home. I seriously had decided to leave and was ready to walk off when I saw him coming. Seriously. Like how? What is it with timing? I couldn't leave now. He saw me. So then I asked him if I could sit with him and his friends during the lecture cause everyone was not here. Being the usual friendly guy he was he let me.
From trying to avoid him to sitting next to him for 2 hours. Never in my time knowing him have I been in such close proximity with him for so long. Why is God doing this to me? But I could feel he has truly let go of me. He is less awkward around me as he used to be, which I used to hate. Now he really just doesn't seem to care about me. At all. It's kind of sad. I don't know. He's not the one right 'now' but what if he changes his mind again and likes me again? Will I accept him the second time? I don't know. I guess I will have to see how committed he is. I am confused enough on my own. I need a man who knows just what he wants. We won't work if we're both confused. But here I am talking about 'we' when I should be on the road of forgetting him. I really need to get over him. He's not the one. He's not the one. He's not the one.