Tuesday, 5 March 2013

He Lost 'Heart'

So glad I took it slow.
Found out his previous relationship (which was also his first) ended because of him.
Because he lost 'heart'.
That's not something a girl like me wants to hear.

Me: insecure, a 'flight risk, afraid of falling'.

He said he feels like he's being judged after he told me. I can't help it.
My view of him does change in relation to him as a possible boyfriend.

by ~applesttar

He told me he felt like I was judging him. I didn't want to make him sad so I tried to cheer him up without lying. I don't like to lie.
So I told him it didn't change how I saw him as a friend, that he's still a very nice, very thoughtful, very fun person to be around.
Which I guess works well both ways.
- If he saw me as a possible girlfriend then yes, he'll know how things do change and he should be more careful with me if he intends to pursue me in the future.
- If he saw me simply as a new friend then that should cheer him up, he shouldn't be sad anymore.

He's a confusing one. Being raised in a household dominated by males, my knowledge of them surprisingly does not help in this situation. He's not the typical boy, and I guess that's why I like him (neither am I the typical girl).
He keeps complimenting me but he compliments a lot of other girls too. Without even being in a relationship with him, I feel insecure already...

Random moments I feel like I have misunderstood everything, misunderstood his compliments and his kind gestures. Other moments I feel like I haven't because he said certain things that don't sound like he would say to anyone else. He told me personal things about his family and told me not to tell anyone else...

My little brother is the shy type so he never compliments girls. My older brother is the really masculine type so he doesn't compliment girls often either. But this boy, he compliments girls so often.
I told him how I noticed this, and he asked me whether I was saying he was a pimp.
No I was not, but my view of him is affected by it and it's not a positive one.

There's someone who's nice and then there's a sweet-talker. Those kind of boys are trouble, whether they intend to or not. I don't think this boy here intends to cause trouble, to be a womaniser and get girls, but it's a recipe for some. Because if we do end up being together (if he actually does like me, which I can't even make out yet...) then it's VERY likely I will get jealous or a girl will mistake his compliments like I am possibly mistaking his compliments now.

Be a sweet-talker to only your girlfriend. I mean, is it normal for a guy to say a girl looks beautiful to every girl he sees? Is that a guy thing girl's, or maybe just miss-overthinking-me, don't understand.

What does it mean to respect your girlfriend/boyfriendit means showing her that no matter what she/he wears ( makeup or clothes), that you will always look at her/him like the first time you looked at that beautiful face of his/hers. And being surprised at how amazing she/he looks every single time. It means showing her/him signs that you still love him/her. Writing letters, making a call, an occasional hug/kiss, showing clear interest in her/him and much much much MORE.

So for you people out there that are EVEN lucky enough to have a girlfriend/boyfriend, seriously cherish him/her and make them feel lucky to have you as well. Look after them.

Look after them, and make them feel special no matter what.

It surprises me that the boy who wrote the stuff above broke up with his girlfriend because he lost 'heart'. Shows that things have changed since he wrote it back in January 2011, two years ago. And people do change. I just didn't think it'll be such a big change. 

But I can't blame him, I can't blame him for losing 'heart', things just didn't work out. No matter how hard you try, if you lose it you just lose it. There's no way of getting it back and no point of staying together. But then I think, maybe he didn't think enough before he pursued her. He thought he 'really liked her' and that she was 'perfect' but then once he had her in his arms, he lost these feelings and broke her heart. I'm not sure if she was even heart broken, whether they separated in friendly terms, but I would be if I was her so I wouldn't have liked it.

Neither can he blame me for judging or being overly sensitive though. I've seen love crash and burn so many times right god-damn in front of my eyes. The tears, the pain, the hell! Picture seeing someone get tortured in front of you, balling their eyes out, screaming, wanting to kill themselves to end the pain. That's what it was basically. I hate being a useless, overly emotional girl that over thinks everything, I despise people like that, but experiences have changed me for the worse. I wish I was a little girl again, who believed in fairytales. Who still believed in love at first sight, the prince falling in love with the beautiful kind-hearted girl and marrying her. 

He's not attractive but he still seemed so perfect.
The letter I wrote to myself, for me to open in 2016. I remember what criterias I made:
Tall: he's 1.81m, that's perfect height ü
Intelligent: he is really smart even though he's not doing law or medicine or engineering but just commerce ü
Loves his family: he does, from what he's told me. He is cares so much about them. ü
Connection: there is a connection, we have so many things in common. He's so funny and adorable too. He's so kind it's surreal (so kind to acquaintances too, it's discomforting though) ü
Lastly, the most important one of all... HE LOVES ME: no point being in a relationship with a guy who doesn't love you, or doesn't love you as much as 'you' do. Or love you enough to make you think will last a life-time.  ?

Here's something I wrote 6 hours ago, before I found out about his previous relationship.

  • Mood:  Zeal
  • Listening to: Both of Us - B.O.B ft. Taylor Swift
  • Reading: Finance lecture slides
  • Eating: Gelativo Vanilla Bean Icecream
  • Drinking: water
Someday I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us
I want to build up 'me' before I build up 'us'.

Edit: I wonder if it was all a misunderstanding coming from me. That you're just a nice guy to everyone. It's not me, it's you. Maybe the only thoughts of an 'us' came from me, just me.  Either way. There won't be an 'us' in the present so it's a waste of time to think of it at all.
Now that I've expressed my feelings, and my confusion. I think I've become more clear-minded. I don't want to be involved in anything love-related with him. Not this year, not next year. Not until he can change my mind and persuade me that we will last longer than his 1 year relationship with his previous girl.

One thing for certain. I'm really happy he told me this. I respect him more for telling me the truth. Men think lying is a form or protection for the girl. Not protecting themselves but to protect the girl, trying to say it's a selfless act when that's anything but selfless, since it's actually a poison apple, forcing it down your throat hoping you don't realise it's poisonous and that you just be happy they were nice enough to give you a really pretty red apple (men are sometimes witches). So I'm pleased he told me this without hiding it, without blaming the girl, or blaming his parents' disapproval of the girl (Grrr, this has only made me like him more).

post signatureNote to my pursuers: NEVER LIE TO ME (even small lies will make me explode in the worst way)
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  1. Sixth Tractate23 July 2013 at 17:14

    Pretty photography! Lovely blog you have here. Where can I follow you babe? :) Would you mind checking out our blog & following back via GFC and Bloglovin'? Looking forward to your next post! xx


  2. Awww, thank you.
    If you want to follow me you can go to your blogger dashboard and go 'add' on your reading list. :) Thanks for commenting