Thursday, 7 March 2013

Expectations & Betrayal

The thought finally entered my head. The point of 'dating' is not to make it impossible to fall apart. It's a trial, to see if two people really are meant to be together forever. Otherwise why don't people just get married once they have feelings for each other.

by ~wendy-in-neverland

By going through the 'dating' stage you find out if two people are really meant for each other. If things don't work out, they can go off on their own ways and continue on the search for someone that truly is compatible with them. If things don't work out, it shouldn't be a sad thing. The sad thing is when you are betrayed. As Shontelle sings:

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts

That's why you should think before you fall. I'm starting to overcome my fear of falling after realising this. The mindset to be in at the beginning of a relationship is not to be 100% sure it will work out but be able see a high possibility that it will work out but still know that there is that small percentage that it won't. When you don't expect it to fall apart, that's when it really hurts. So to expect it acts as a safeguard.

Here's where I disagree with some people's opinions. They believe that 'dating' will allow them to find themselves, that's why they encourage dating a lot of people. B*tch please, find yourself on your own, don't use other people's emotions to find yourself.

In Shontelle's song Impossible the reason it hurts so much for her is because she thought it was impossible, she didn't expect it.

I started analysing this by applying it to the tragic love stories I've witnessed, that has given me this phobia of being in a committed relationship.

Cousin 1 who lost her boyfriend because he listened too much to his parents. They were about to get married but his parents didn't like her. He split up with her and within months he was getting married to a girl introduced to him by his parents. Betrayed that's why it hurts. It wasn't predictable that the loyalty to his parents would come off as a negative thing, but the true cause behind this tragic split was not his loyalty to his parents, but his merciless trait to be able to split up with a girl like that. An ending like this couldn't be foreseeable by anyone. Nothing could have prevented this, unless there were signs she, herself, should have been able to see in him which I highly doubt. When a boy loves a girl to the point of wanting to marry her, it's impossible to see that he is capable of unloving her so mercilessly. That's why we should take caution when it comes to love. On the optimistic side, she was lucky to have split up with him sooner than later, the pain would be even worse if they had married and she found out about his horrid side then.

Cousin 2 who lost her boyfriend because he fell out of love with her. She still loved him when he unloved her. What probably hurt her was that she didn't expect him to unlove her when he intensely pursued her in the beginning. Then there's the betrayal, the fact that now that he 'has' her, she gives him her love and he suddenly doesn't want it anymore, but also the fact that she gave him her precious youth and he threw it away. Seven years. Seven years of a girl's youth. Gone. He obviously didn't understand the preciousness of that. Chinese girls aren't like Western girls, their value plummets to nothing when they hit 30. He should have made up his mind whether they were compatible in the first few years. Try not to not be yourself when in a relationship because there is only so long that you can not be yourself. I guess seven years was the time for him to finally realise he either doesn't like the fake him or the real her. Always saying yes to everything she/he wants, pretending he/she enjoys something just because she/he likes it. That's the pursuit stage when you force yourself to be compatible with someone just to 'have' them, but the thing is... this stage won't last long and people will be themselves again and whether you like this real them or not is the deciding factor of the success of the relationship. That's why relationships that start off as two people being true friends have a higher chance of succeeding, you get to know the real them.

Anonymous 3,4 and 5 were betrayed by their husband. What spells betrayal in love more perfectly than infidelity. At the age of 18 (technically 17) I already know 3 marriages that has been affected by this. Chinese men don't understand the worth of women, still devaluing them to the point where their sole purpose lies in raising his kids, keeping the house clean and making his food. That is why I'm so glad I'm raised in a western culture and hopefully will find a westernised partner who will understand the true worth of a woman.

by ~DopeStars

On the bright side I know a lovely (caucasian) couple who's already in their 60's and their love is still as strong as ever. Their cute remarks at each other makes me feel like they are still in the beginning stages of their relationship where they flirt and tease. It's adorable. A fact that stands out is that they have no children which proves that the man did not marry her just so she would raise his kids for him, and hopefully not to just clean his house and make him food (which a housekeeper could easily do). This makes me think of another couple, a Chinese couple (I officially hate authentic Chinese couples now) which consists of a man who married a woman because he's reached that age where he should be married. He even admitted that he doesn't really love her and it would be just like having a housekeeper. What the hell is wrong with these people?!

I'm starting to think that people who are good to their family doesn't mean they're going to be good to you. Cousin 1 was like that, Anonymous 3 was like that. To think that being good to your family means they're going to be good to their loved ones including their other half... Oh how wrong this proposition turns out to be. But how strange that this equation doesn't work out. When you take care of your loved ones, what's the difference between your parents and your partner? Especially when that person becomes your wife. Isn't your wife your family? Shouldn't you therefore love your wife like you love your parents? Love is complicated. People are complicated. 

I don't think any amount of exploratory blog posts about love will ever have me figure it out.

Anyway, I don't want to end of a bad note about the 'housekeeper marriage'. I want to keep in mind the beautiful possibility of finding love like the couple in their 60's. And another thing to add, she's older than him, by a year I think. And there is my mum telling me to never go for anyone younger than me. If he loves you for you and not your appearance, it shouldn't matter should it? If he loves you even if you age earlier than him.. if you have that connection that keeps you two strong... it shouldn't matter.

Being in a relationship comes with a lot of responsibility. It's not all fun and games. If it's a game to you then keep in mind you are toying with people's emotions, the most cruel thing to do.

And note to self, don't fall in love with anyone with the slightest hint of the possibility that he could betray you in any way.

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