Nothing but Doubt

I don't think he's the right one. I've fallen for the 'online' him, not the 'real life' him. He's so different in person than he appears to me in his words.

Don't think I've met that one person yet. It's just not time?

Or are my expectations just too high? I want 'perfect' too badly when perfect doesn't exist.

Any boy can cuddle me on a rainy day, watch old movies and make out. But I want someone who fits me like two puzzle pieces. Someone who truly appreciates me for my tomboy side and sweet girly side. 

I feel like a b*tch now. Hyprocrite. I said I really disliked people who were confused and bring others down with them and their confusion. And here's me, confused, and bringing down others with me. I've met a few boys, had crushes on them and it feels like I 'led' them on. But at that moment I really wanted them, I did like them and then my mind just kicks in and I'm left doubting myself and my feelings so I back out.  (Or did I like the feeling of being wanted? That means I truly did lead them on.) So I feel like I have led them on. I made them fall for me when I wasn't ready to catch them. I really hate myself for that.

That will be me, should I be scared? Yes. But am I? No. Because I'm so numb to it all. My walls are 30 thousand feet up. When the one comes around and tears it down, his ability to do that to me will make me fall dangerously in love with him. No doubt. I have no idea if that's a good thing or not.  

I hope this is true... I hope my wrong choices bring me to the right place. Wherever that is.

Away from people, especially boys.

I'm losing interest in him, maybe because we're in such a weird state. Maybe if I let him love me more it would change. This would either make it right, or make it even wronger. But either way, I don't want to fall for anyone yet, not now. Right now it's weird, we're basically 'together' because we both professed our feelings for each other. It would be 'wrong' to look at anyone else. But I don't feel the way I did. I don't. Would it be wrong to let him know I changed my mind???