I definitely won't be entering into a relationship this year, nor next year, even when what appears to be the perfect guy comes along.
You know what? I don't want to meet the guy of my dreams just yet. Because I will just have to ruin it by telling him to wait for me. I want to meet the guy of my dreams when I am ready.
Then I can fall crazily in love with him, without hesitation.
But I noticed today, as I was walking around at uni, I saw a couple holding hands. Now... I see couples in uni all the time, but I never think about it, nor really look at them. But today there weren't many people around, because it's study break. And I saw them, I really noticed them. Their joy. Counteracted by my thoughts. I realised I am really pessimistic about love.
I see them and I began picturing them falling apart, breaking up. Then I started thinking about all the other couples that I've seen around in uni, and picture them all falling apart and breaking up. At such a young age I don't see a future in these couples. It's rare that they stand the test of time.
And even with myself. In the back of my mind I can picture my own first love falling apart and breaking up. Why bother with love if it never lasts? But why? Why do I have to think so much? Why am I so careful? Why can't I just fall in love without fear? Is it possible to love someone with all your heart but not die if they leave you?
Right now I've been meeting a lot of guys, not intentionally of course. And I've finally stopped targeting a single guy and picturing our future together. I'm so over over-thinking everything, it's tiring you know. I'm just going to go explore with the freedom of being single. My thoughts right now is that if a guy is interested, and I'm semi-interested back, I won't mind going on a date with him. But it won't mean we're in a relationship. As I said, I don't want to fall in love yet. And here is me talking about it like I would be able to control it, and yes, it's also a sign of me over-thinking again. The crazy thing is I think so much I think my mind will be able to override my feelings (too much use of the word 'think' in one sentence!). I am a weird weird person.
Well here's a new Daily Thinker that ironically makes me think less.