I'm such a hypocrite. I say one thing but I do another. That's because I try to think one way, to change the way my heart feels, and hopefully change the way I act. But deep down my heart is still strong and nomatter how many lies I tell myself, I can't change the way my heart feels.
But my head still kicks in and controls situations rationally. That I am glad for.
I was really angry at myself today. I thought it was a good day, started off really well. Then I realised I didn't attend a lecture which had an assessment worth 10%! I completely flipped! It's because so much happened last night. I finally confronted the confused boy because we were talking on facebook and the conversation led to a point where he said he wanted to attract girls like me, he even said it in capital letters. I completely flipped and had enough of being confused with all his flirty words that I was really blunt and almost 'violent' on him. But things worked out in the end. I found out he liked me, after he turned the question back on me when I asked him, I said I did like him and still kinda do and he replied with the same words. Then he wanted to know what I wanted, which I had no idea. And so he asks me if I want a relationship. Very blunt our conversation was. So I started trembling and kind of hyperventilating because I was so scared of a relationship. Yes, me, flight-risk. I think I may have developed a new phobia, not just of planes but of commitment. But I was honest with him and told him I don't think I could handle a relationship in this moment in time and he was really understanding. We both agreed to get to know each other better first which I am so glad to hear. I even told him to let me know when he changes his mind about me. Everything was so open.
So yes, a lot happened last night. All the while, during a separate facebook conversation with a new friend I made who wanted to have lunch with me and show me his new camera. I had a feeling there was more than a two new friends having lunch kind of thing. I said yes first, before my conversation with 'confused boy' got too far and I found out he liked me. But after I found out, I realised it wasn't such a good idea to continue with the plans. I was going to cancel it, but then I really value out possible friendship, we have so much interest in the field of photography. So I told he I have a friend who really wants to see me that day and whether she could join us. He said yes. So everything seems fine from there. But today he messages me saying that something came up and he wants to raincheck on our lunch meet-up, which means I do not know how to pull my friend into our next possible lunch 'date' since I said I haven't seen her in a while and she was really keen to see me again.
But yes, A LOT happened last night. And I was so glad my close friend was on the phone to help me during the situation of both of them.
But the main thing I really wanted to express here is that I really can't multi-think (my word opposed to multi-task). I'm so glad my head kicked in during last night's situation otherwise right now would probably be 10x worse then what it is now. I could have said yes to the relationship, and I even saw him today, then it would be so weird and all I could think would be him.
What happened today was that I missed an important assessment. If I had said yes to a relationship, I would be blaming it so hard that I would probably jump back out of it (like Mouse from Carrier Diaries, read the end of this post to know what I'm talking about here). After finding out how stupid I was for missing the 10% assessment, I tried talking to the unit coordinator but with no hope. Even after that I was determined to persuade her through an email to give me an alternative assessment, anything than a zero. But after sitting down, having dinner and relaxing, I could think rationally again. There's no use wasting time on something I, deep down, know I am incapable of changing (since I have tried persuading this same unit coordinator last year to let me study the subject in 2nd semester). So instead of delving on something I can't change, why not work towards something I can. And that's preparing for the next few assessments and acing them so that I maintain a HD. It's not a hard unit but I use to worry, and still kinda am, about being kicked out of the unit if I did too well. But I have an excuse now. I missed an assessment so I am putting more effort in to do well which I hope will pay off. They have no reason to kick me out if I really put in a lot of effort.
Walking to my car this afternoon, head in flames still, I was thinking how much alike I am to the two characters in Carrie Diaries, Carrie and her best friend Mouse. Mouse is the typical asian girl who is highly competitive with her grades and puts academic first before love. She even broke up with a guy because her grades were affected. And she refused to enter into a new relationship for the very same reason. That's me. Even though technically I am allowed to be in a relationship, I don't think I am mentally capable of handling it. Because as today's experience shows, I can't multi-think. The other girl is Carrie, who has a fear of commitment, being in a relationship she realises how vulnerable she has become and she fears losing him, but most of all, she over-thinks A LOT, like me.
I am Carrie and Mouse morphed into one person. I love being creative like Carrie (who works as an intern for Interview magazine) but I also value my education a lot like Mouse (who is determined to get a scholarship at Harvard like I was determined to get an assured pathway into a law degree).
Another big blow I just received while writing this. I applied for 3 places recently for an internship and doing their tests and everything, and I finally got a reply from one of them: KPMG. They informed me my application was unsuccessful. I am completely surprised by this. My personal list of preferences was 1. Deloitte, 2. Ernst & Young, and 3. KPMG.
KPMG was my last preference, if they don't accept me, my chances of the other more demanding firms will be almost non-existent.
Still need to do anther test for Ernst & Young. Wish me luck, I think I may need it.