I get pretty intense crushes on guys, but whenever it looks like something might develop--he asks me out or starts flirting with me - I stop liking him. None of my relationships last because I lose interest so quickly--usually after the first few dates. What's wrong?
--Hard to Keep, 16, Texas,
It's possible there's nothing "wrong" at all: You like attention from guys but you're not going to hook up with just anyone. After a couple of dates you learn enough to know he's not for you, and you don't want to settle for second best or lead him on, so you lose interest. If that's the case, relax. Keep dating and the right guy will come along. There might, however, be a hidden agenda behind your rejection of guys and, ironically, the problem is exactly like a complaint girls often have about guys. Lots of times, a girl will be pursued pretty heavily by a guy she might not even be that into at first, and then she gets to like him--but as soon as she starts showing him affection, he backs off. When boys do this, it may seem on the surface that they're more excited by short-term conquest than by long-term love. Actually, these guys tend to be unsure of themselves and want to prove they're charming enough to attract a girl. Often, they'll initiate a breakup when their insecurity kicks in: They're convinced that sooner or later the girl will discover how uncool they really are. Before they get hurt, they reason, they'd better bail, ending any hope for a future together. Their behavior stems from feelings of low self-esteem.
Now ask yourself if your own behavior toward guys compares to this description. Do you feel like you'd never be able to hold on to someone who cares? Do you think you're not worthy of a guy's love? Are you afraid he'll discover the real you--and be turned off? Deep down, do you feel that if he likes you, there must be something wrong with him? If you responded with "yes" to any of these questions, it's time you did some serious self-boosting. One technique that often works is to star in your own commercial: Literally take 30 seconds to promote yourself. On videotape, tell the audience who you are, what you enjoy and why you're a special person. Then watch your video as if you were a stranger, asking yourself if you would want to get to know the person you see on TV--and if you were a guy, would you want to date her? (If you don't have access to a video camera, do your commercial in front of a mirror.)
If your commercial doesn't convince you of how cool you are, think about what areas you might want to change--and work on them with a positive attitude. Be sure to concentrate on inner qualities, because that's what defines you as a person a lot more than your outward appearance. When you're comfortable with yourself, you won't feel compelled to walk away from the right romance.
OKAY, so I finally have the courage to ask him if he likes me, he asks me back and I tell him I do and he tells me he does too. He asks me if I want a relationship but I told him I wasn't ready, so we agreed to take it slow and get to know each other better first. But I feel as though it's nothing slow. We snapchat each other heaps. I feel like I'm losing interest in him already. I don't remember why I liked him so much in the beginning. I'm so glad I agreed to taking it slow. I told him to let me know if he changes his mind about me, and he told me to do the same, and he added that it was completely fine if I did. Words differ from how one truly feels. I can't bear to tell him already (just 2 days after finding out about our mutual feelings for each other) that I'm no longer feeling the same way about him. Is this my fear of commitment acting up? Is this my way of putting up my defences? I feel confused and horrible. My mind keeps thinking about his flirty ways with other girls. I have so many questions about him and other girls, but I don't think I want to know about it just yet. I have exams coming up and I can't multi-think, so if I uncover something even just a little bit significant about him, it will really affect me. So after exams I shall start asking questions. Right now it's not even 'getting to know each other' because it's that situation where you put your best side for the other to see to continue to attract them. It's not real. I want to get to know him as a friend but that doesn't seem to be possible now. I'll figure all this after exams, in two weeks time. I guess for now I will just sit back and see where this leads instead of thinking so much about it. Maybe my feelings will change again during this time. Maybe I will be less confused by not over-thinking.