Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Just One Kiss

I don't know why I'm recording these emotions here on my blog,
when I clearly want to forget about them...
But a way to forget is to express them and 
hope that's the end of it.

*** by tdum
by tdum
How could any girl let you go when you're so perfect... Especially for her. You guys seemed like the perfect couple. Maybe in her eyes your looks fell a little short. But in my eyes her looks was the same level as yours. That's one part of my definition of 'perfect for each other'. Personality wise you guys seemed pretty perfect too. But I don't really know her, all I know of her is from the whispers and social networks. And from that I can say you guys seem pretty perfect.

You're the second guy to ever kiss me, and to me that means a lot. My first being from my first boyfriend. 

I can't help it but you mean something to me. All I can do is keep thinking about that night, about that kiss. And it drives me crazy. Maybe this is irrational thinking because of the rush of chemistry your kiss gave me. Or maybe I'm just desperate to be kissed by a guy again. But I don't. I don't want anyone else to kiss me again but you right now. So gentle and loving. And your hug, being in your arms again, I would love that so much. I held you so tightly when the song ended and the lights came on, because I knew that was it. It was the end of anything between us. Anything from there onward was a load of uncertainty.

I know you can not and will not pursue me, because of my past... Not when pursuing me will hurt someone close to you. And the fact that you care so much about your friends is additionally attractive.

It's not just the kiss, I've always had a slight thing for you. I have just always brushed it off into the very deepest darkest part of my mind and thought of you as a dear friend and brother. But when I was asked on a date about what type of ethnicity I would date, I thought of you and said yes to yours. Only because of you. 

Smell of dry grass.. by Khomenko
Smell of dry grass..
by Khomenko
You have made me feel so safe overtime, meeting you on exchange and spending 2 months in similar groups, you helped my clumsy self keep on track. We didn't spend much time together but in the time we did, you helped me find my lost beanie when we went tandem bike riding, you were reckless on that bike and we almost got hit by a taxi and also almost fell into the freezing winter lake, but you were good, you gained back control and we didn't die. There was that time I realised I had lost my train ticket to Shanghai when we were all rushing to board and you were the one who found it. The two times I almost lost something, you were there to help me find it. You were my protection. And I loved that, without putting much thought to it. And then that recent time when we were buying plane tickets to Bali and I inputted the wrong date, you were there to pick up on that and tell me just before I was about to pay online. You were always there when my clumsy self needed you. 

And maybe I don't mean this much to you, the kiss was only because you wanted someone and you were drunk, I was there to fill the lonely void that was created by your ex-girlfriend when she left you. And I will never be able to know whether I do mean something more, because your friend had a thing for me during our 2 month exchange and everyone on the trip knew about it. And I gave him slight hope because I had a crush on him years back. For you to do anything would be stabbing him in the back. So here's to never being able to find out what you really feel, and for you never finding out how I feel about you.

The only hope I have in ever finding out what you feel is if your friend that has a thing for me moves on and finds a girlfriend, but if he doesn't, it would be me shooting myself in the foot: I hoped to attract guys from everywhere so I have the choice to choose the best. Only now, the best will not pursue me because one of the guys attracted to me is his close mate. I never went fishing for guys, I had always just been myself, so there is no one to blame, especially not myself. I cannot blame myself for hoping to attract guys when I didn't act on it. I was true to myself, and continue to be, all along.  I guess some things are just meant to be. I always believed the difficult love makes the best stories and 100x more worth it. Handed on a silver platter and I will turn it down.

All I know is you said you thought I was the coolest girl you've ever met. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I do now, more than anything. 

You're smart, athletic, hard-working, loving, and just plain cool. You make me completely stop thinking about the guy I had been casually dating straight after that night. Your vibe is different to his, yes he's also smart and hard-working, but he's not as loving as you, and he's not as athletic as you, and he's not as cool as you. His vibe, it doesn't flow with mine. But he has managed to make me laugh until I cry, until my stomach hurts... with you, I don't think that's happened yet...

Divided by MikkoLagerstedt
by MikkoLagerstedt
I honestly don't know. Maybe neither of you are the one for me... The guy with the perfect vibe, makes me laugh, is smart and athletic and hardworking as well as loving, who's tall and Chinese is still out there living his life without me. (*edit: and this perfect guy turns out to be your friend, dates your ex's best friend, wow how crazy)

But for now, all I know is your vibe, it's just different, and I'm attracted to it because it flows with mine. But I could never be as perfect for you as your ex, I could never make you cupcakes... and be that feminine girl.

And above all. I will never know. To all my burning questions, forever remain a 'what-if', I fear that so much.

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