DT: Stop Thinking So Much

I made my decision and I'm going to stick with it. But I am still so scared. I really hate how it's so much harder for me to fall in love. I'm such a pessimistic lover, it sucks. At one point today a thought came into my mind saying maybe I should try not to fly so high so that I won't fall that hard. I was telling myself not to fall for him too much, I was telling myself to hold back. Because I know that the higher I fly, the bigger the risk of a giant fall. But then I think, what's the point of flying at all if I can't appreciate the 'now', I fear the future way too much. I should just stop worrying and enjoy the greatness now.

I guess that was another reason why I had to take time to think about giving 'us' a try, I didn't want my insecurity issues to be a burden on him, to hurt him like I have already in the past. And since I have chosen to give us a go, I should stop thinking about anything negative. I should really learn to just go with it, to trust him. It's not fair on him for me to hold back. But I believe I have made the right decision for the right person, he's going to help make me trust him, he's going to make falling in love easier than I thought.

The word 'I love you' is going to have trouble coming from my lips, I'm going to be like one of the guys from the movies who stutter at the thought of having to say it. But maybe it's just not time, because we have just started, maybe over time I will love him so much it's impossible not to say it. This is just the beginning. I don't want to be saying the word without the true meaning in them. My walls aren't completely down yet, but for him, I'm really working on it. I just have to keep one mindset and that is to give more and expect less. With no expectations there's less likelihood I will get really hurt. It's easy to say but hard to execute, but if I can, it will be for the best.

I'm still so scared. But I don't regret my decision at all. And although that doesn't remove my fear and my insecurity issues, I'm sure time will help remove these negative feelings. I need to keep reassuring myself that whatever the future holds, I need to learn to enjoy the full extent of the now. I was dancing around in my room in the dark last night because I was so happy, it was exhilarating, now I really know what they mean by love as a drug. That adrenaline rush. It's amazing. And even the future may not hold this, I will have experienced it and that's all that matters. I need to stop thinking about the future and seriously enjoy the 'now'.

Hmmm, another thing I'm worried about. I would enjoy this so much I become clingy. I hate clingy people. But when you're in the moment, when you crave someone, it's easy to be clingy. I really don't want to lose myself in this. And that is another reason I'm glad I said yes because he told me to promise him that no matter what happens, we won't change ourselves. 

Another thing I'm worrying about which is so beyond stupid? What it's going to be like, 'us' around our friends. And also, how am I going to cope with a new significant person in my life when uni begins again. I've had trouble multi-thinking in the past... hopefully I will be smart/strong enough to stay focused on the correct things at the correct time. 

Seriously, I just have to stop overthinking. Life is so much happier and simpler if I stop thinking. And that shall be what I will do. I will stop thinking and just go with it.