But then here is me, and what I've seen. No matter how much you think they are 'the one', they can still end up not being 'the one'. Take my cousin for example. Been together with a guy for 7 years and they still split. And I'm sure there are more examples out there where it's been more than 7 years. It's even more tragic then. When you think they are the one, and you give them something so precious. And when they leave, I think all they can do is regret.
Anyway, back to the main point. The fact that this notion of staying a virgin before marriage seems non-existent in today's society. I start to question myself, is it really that hard to stay a virgin? But then also thinking, is it even that big of a deal to stay a virgin? For me, at 18, about to step into a relationship. I can see myself keeping it before marriage because I really don't see why it's so hard. But I guess until you truly love someone, and you get to that stage with someone, you really won't know. I really won't know.
I don't actually see having it, your virginity, as a special thing. I don't see it as a precious thing. I see it the otherway. As in, not having it as something really bad. That's why I don't want to lose it, not because it's so valuable, but rather as something distasteful if you lose it before marriage. I guess that's why I can see myself keeping it until marriage. Like it's crazy? Weird? Hilarious? How naive and pure and innocent I am. Like I know I am. Because when this boy that's now on my mind 24/7 came into my life, I told my mum about him. And like she made it sound like I did something wrong confiding in him that I liked him just to find out the truth whether his flirty ways was just him or whether he actually liked me. My mum felt like I did something so wrong that I should be ashamed of it. But I'm 18!! I've never had a boyfriend in my life. Why should I be ashamed of it! Just because my 25 year old brother hasn't had a single girlfriend yet because he prefers to do hookups. Why should I feel ashamed just because 'I am faster than my older brother'?
So when I type this and read this, it is so much more clearer to me how my parents are so restrictive on me. But not in an obvious way. It's just that I respect them too much because I understand that they only want the best for me. But I'm old enough to know that having a boyfriend won't kill me unlike drugs. It's not like I'm doing anything self-destructive. They're not outright disapproving it but I'm letting them get to me, I'm letting them make me feel guilty. I really need to learn to be more independent and just believe in myself. Trust my own capabilities. I was talking to 'him' last night and he made me realise how they're actually holding me down. Like I want to do all this amazing things with my life but I'm just too attached to them, too scared I'd lose their trust or disappoint them.
I have to lose that fear, the only fear that is holding me down...