The phone rang.
She was sobbing badly on the other end of the line.
“I’m going over,” I told her and hung up before she could protest.
1am. It was going to be a long night ahead..
She was still crying when she opened the door. She looked so broken, so vulnerable. I didn’t have to know what was wrong, I just held her in my arms. She cried even more.
“He broke up with me,” she finally said.
I just kept quiet as she let it all out.. questions, tears, anger, hurt.
“Why does love have to hurt so much?”
“No, love.. doesn’t hurt,” I said gently.
“So says the guy who’s been single forever? What would you know about love,” she jabbed.
“So says the guy who’s been your friend though Mr now-ex-#4,” I grinned. “Love doesn’t hurt you.. it’s the person that doesn’t know how to love or appreciate love that hurts you. But love never hurts,”.
“You won’t understand, Matt,” she sighed, “you’ve never been in love…”
“That’s not entirely true, you know..”
“Wait what- so who’s this girl I’ve never heard abou-“
“What did you love about #4 anyway?” I interjected.
“I don’t know… he is just perfect. And I love him so much,”
“But you don’t know what it is that you love about him?”
“It’s just.. the feeling when I’m with him. It always felt right with him. He made me feel loved and I loved him too,”
“That’s it? Just a feeling?”
“Well.. yea. What were you expecting me to say?”
“.. something more specific, maybe? I mean, if you thought he’s so ‘perfect’, why’d he still chea- erm, why’d he leave you?”
“Because I’m just not good enough for him? I don’t know..” she paused. “What is love to you then…”
“Hmm.. to me, being together or in love with someone should be more that just a feeling.. it should also be about mutual understanding, acceptance, respect, commitment and trust.”
“That’s what all couples would hope and want their relationship to be like, Matt. But expectations and reality don’t always go together..”
“Or maybe.. someone’s just not trying?”
“Well if you think love is so simple.. why haven’t you been with anyone all these years?”
“I never said love was simple.. but I guess the reason why I’ve never been with anyone yet is because.. I already know exactly what I want,”
“You have.. a checklist?”
“Sorta. It’s not the typical kinda ‘I’d like a girl with long hair, nice smile, etc’ superficial checklist though,”
“Oh. What kind of list is it then?”
“It’s like.. a concept of love. Of what it is about a girl that will make me fall completely in love with her. A concept that has more than three specific reasons that would answer any question as to why I love her.”
“You have a concept of love?” she laughed. “Love isn’t a theory, Matt.. you can’t just classify love by a concept or definition, you simply feel it with your heart..”
“But you see.. the reason why I think there are so many broken hearts, is because people merely jump into a relationship when their heart feels a certain something towards someone. But I don’t think that’s love, that’s merely an infatuation. Personally, I believe there are more than three reasons and aspects that actually determines whether we really are truly in love beyond the superficial ‘I don’t know why I love him/her.. I just do’ reason,”
“That makes sense. So what exactly is this.. ‘concept’ of yours about?” she asked, genuine curiosity replacing her initial skepticism.
“I call it the 4+1 theory. The aspects that will determine if it’s true love or just a fickle infatuation. It’s based on this idea that whenever we like someone, if we really go deeper into what is it that draws us to him or her, we’d be able to find that one specific reason. That’s not love though. That’s merely an attraction or infatuation. But when more than three of the aspects from this theory are present, you’ll be pretty sure that it’s more than just a feeling. For me personally, this determines if I’ll ever fall in love with a girl…”
Mind. Heart. Body. Soul.
The mind aspect, to put it simply, is her intellect. But I don’t mean the academic smarts.. it’s the way she thinks, processes and analyzes things way beyond a shallow self centeredness. It’s the way she puts across her thoughts, not for winning an argument’s sake, but to really try to understand or even sensibly debate opposing views that might leave anyone reflecting on her words or challenge me to think differently. It’s the way she carries herself off with an aura of sophistication and enigmatic charm and no matter how much I might think I already know her or have her figured out, she’ll still surprise me with something unexpected. Good surprise. I like intellect. Personally, it takes a little more to intrigue me and stimulate my senses. If I can connect with someone and talk endlessly about the concept of nothing, then, only then, will we be able to talk about everything else.. and I think that’s incredibly alluring,”
“Ooh.. so my best friend’s sapiosexual too,” she teased. “But what about her likes and dislikes or like her personality.. does that go under the mind aspect too?”
“Well, that’s where the heart aspect comes in. The heart represents who she is by what she values or cares about. The things she likes, the things she dislikes. What really matters to her, as well as her insecurities and fears..”
She bit her lower lip - thinking. “But what if him knowing about my past and all my insecurities scares him or drives him away? Or what if he ever uses all of these against me if someday things go bad between us?”
“Erm.. you do realize that it doesn’t really matter now because whether or not he ever knew, he already chose to leave you right? But.. if he still or ever tries to hurt you in any way, then he is a fucking bastard and I will punch his face,”. I really meant it.
“I don’t think he even cares about me anymore,” she sighed, “maybe he never really did.. we were so.. different. I don’t know why I never actually realize it before,”
“Maybe because then, you were too ‘blinded by love’ to see, or you chose to conveniently ignore the differences. Honestly though, I think it’s critical for two people to understand each other’s heart and learn to accommodate each other’s differences rather than simply turning a blind eye or deaf ear ‘because I love him and that’s all that matters’. Because if two people are too different in the way they think, behave or live.. I reckon it will become a huge problem when the infatuation bubble bursts.”
“I don’t really understand..” she said.
“Let me just ask you this.. does he know how passionate you are towards the arts and music?"
“Well, no.. not really. He’s more the sports kind of guy and doesn’t like theatre and stuff so I didn’t want him to get bored if I talked to him about things he isn’t interested in..”
“Then i’m guessing he probably also doesn’t care or know the little things about you. Like how you’re afraid of the dark and why you’re actually scared of darkness.. how family and relationships are really important to you.. that ice cream is your happy pill. You know, I’m even going to bet that he doesn’t know you go to bed every night, clutching your phone just hoping and waiting for him to text you goodnight..”
She started to tear again, but I continued..
“You see, it’s not a matter of whether it bores him or not.. it’s a matter of whether he bothers or not. I mean, if he doesn’t even know these things about you, then he really doesn’t know you at all. How then can he say he loves you?”
“But I really loved him,” she murmured softly to herself .
“I know you did. I know you still do and it’s hurting you like shit. But you need to know that for any kind of relationship to work.. two people need to give and take. Sadly, with him, it seems like you’re the one who was always giving. If he actually really loved you back as much, he’d make a greater effort to close the gap and bridge the differences between you two. He’d want to hear what you have to say, he would actually consider your opinions, your needs and your feelings. He’ll not just tell you or text you that he loves you.. he’ll show it by the things he will do or be willing to do no matter how inconvenient or silly it might be, just because.. he knows it’ll make you happier or better. To me, when it comes to a relationship, the heart aspect isn’t just a feeling or who you/he or she is anymore. It becomes two hearts beating as one. Two people wanting to understand each other.. sharing the good, the bad and possibly a future together; actually bothering and supporting each other’s feelings, values, dreams, thoughts, emotions,”
She stayed silent for a long while before she looked up, holding my gaze.. there was this unspoken tension building before she finally spoke again.
“But.. what if something that’s important to me, is not something the guy might feel same way about?"
“Then I’ll try-” I caught myself. “I mean, if I were him. I’d try. I’d make the effort.. because it’s important to you and you’re important to me,”
She remained silent again. She wasn’t crying anymore but this time, the prolonged silence was starting to grow even more deafening.
“Matt,” she finally spoke - softly, “do you believe in love at first sight?”
“No.” I said flatly.
“Oh..” she sighed. “You know what you said about mind and heart.. it’s actually starting to sink in and I’m beginning to realize that maybe these two aspects weren’t exactly a big part of my relationship with him,”
“So what made you fall in love with him then?”
“Well.. don’t laugh, but I’ve always thought that with him, it was love at first sight. I mean, there was just this spark between us from the very first time we met,”
“Cos he was hot?” I scoffed.
“No.. don’t be an idiot,” she tried to hide her smile but failed. I rolled my eyes. “Okay fine, yea maybe that. But it wasn’t the only reason!”
I raised an eyebrow.
“He was really nice too! And he was always sweet to me,“ she began her defense case. “He always made me feel happy, secure and loved without even having to try, you know?” I just continued staring at her waiting for her to go on. “Oh never mind, you’d never understand..”
“Actually.. I do. And I think I now understand what it was that made you fall in love with him.
The body aspect.
It's possible there's nothing "wrong" at all: You like attention from guys but you're not going to hook up with just anyone. After a couple of dates you learn enough to know he's not for you, and you don't want to settle for second best or lead him on, so you lose interest. If that's the case, relax. Keep dating and the right guy will come along. There might, however, be a hidden agenda behind your rejection of guys and, ironically, the problem is exactly like a complaint girls often have about guys. Lots of times, a girl will be pursued pretty heavily by a guy she might not even be that into at first, and then she gets to like him--but as soon as she starts showing him affection, he backs off. When boys do this, it may seem on the surface that they're more excited by short-term conquest than by long-term love. Actually, these guys tend to be unsure of themselves and want to prove they're charming enough to attract a girl. Often, they'll initiate a breakup when their insecurity kicks in: They're convinced that sooner or later the girl will discover how uncool they really are. Before they get hurt, they reason, they'd better bail, ending any hope for a future together. Their behavior stems from feelings of low self-esteem.
