Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Why love usually doesn't work out

Your thorns don't hurt by Vanilladisaster
by Vanilladisaster

Here's one big daily thinker life thinker for you,
seriously, please take the time to read and digest this.
Hopefully this will guide you to happiness 
because this is how I found happiness.

I finally understand why my mum always told me to date when I am older, not just because she wants me to focus on my studies first but, most importantly, she doesn't want me to get my heart broken. There's different views out there where people encourage you to experience it so you know how to fix yourself... or know what you want in a guy. But I don't like jumping into the deep end. I like taking things one step at a time, heartbreaks included. 
So to address the question of this post: Why love usually doesn't work out... when you're still a teenager. Let me throw another question into the air: How do you learn to love someone when you don't even know how to love yourself? The most important person in your life should be yourself, selfish as that sounds, it's actually not that selfish at all. Without yourself, what is there? Nothing. You gotta give yourself a lot more credit than most of us do.
On drowning by manuelestheim
by manuelestheim
I can see how people can feel lonely, seeing all those around them in relationships, makes you want to be in one too... I have friends like that and it's sad because there's nothing I can do to make them stop wanting that. I guess that's where the heartbreak comes in, you got to have your heartbroken at least once to know the truth: that at the end of the day you've only got yourself. But I'm so extra careful, even with my heartbreaks, I tread softly to avoid getting completely destroyed. I've been hurt but I wasn't burned, it wasn't bad, but it was enough for me to learn the greatest lesson of life: To Love Yourself. We all just want someone to prove to us that we are special. No matter how much you know that, it is definitely different when someone proves you right. But then there's the flip side of the coin. Boys think you're special only in the beginning, once they start seeing your flaws, they realise you're not the girl he fantasized about and he backs out. No longer thinking you're special. Because boys are naive, they see the surface of things, and once things don't turn out as the description, they drop and run. And the girls get hurt and they feel less than special. And that can be so damaging to their self-confidence. 
I'm not hating on boys, it's not the gender, but the age. That being said, I'm only making a generalisation, not every single boy is so naive and irresponsible. There are those more mature ones, those ones who can actually make a relationship work and last... and even if it didn't last, they have the maturity to not just drop and run, but to confront you and act like a man. And that's what we need, we need a 'man', not a boy. But we have to act like a woman to attract a man, because girls will only attract boys. Makes sense right? And I have to admit, I have acted like a girl for a lot of my first relationship, he wasn't the only one acting like a boy. We both tried to be mature and act like men and women... we really tried and bravo for that effort! We didn't end up torn apart and shattered on the ground because our maturity saved us, but not everyone is so lucky. As clique as it sounds, we must learn to love ourselves before we learn to love someone else. As innocent insecure teenagers, we wanted someone we fantasized about as the perfect being to show us love so they can let us know what we are is not as imperfect as we think. "Why, this god-like man is in love with me, there must be something amazing about me to love, right?" 
Sunsets and hills by uglybug
by uglybug
'No one is perfect', we hear this saying all the time so we know it. I know it really well, every one says it, especially to young teenagers who feel insecure about themselves. I know this saying, but knowing is different to understanding. It took me a long time to understand it, to be blatantly honest, I didn't understand it until a few months ago! 'Perfection is boring' another incorrect statement. Perfection comes in different versions. The perfect guy to you could be someone who has the greatest sense of humor and eyes you can stare into all day. That is not boring! To another girl, her vision of a perfect guy could be someone with the kindest heart and the sweetest smile. That is not boring! Why? Because perfection is definitely in the eye of the beholder. One might like tanned guys, one might like pale guys. He might like curvy women, whilst the other guy might like slim women. What he finds perfect is different. And what you find perfect is different. So then what's the argument against wanting to be perfect if perfection isn't boring? Actually it's 'entertaining', hence all those glossy magazines of stunning people. Well here is where I share with you my realisation. It is okay to aim for perfection, but never expect yourself to get there. It's an unreachable goal, the best you can do is be close to perfection. Close to your version of perfection. 
It sounds toxic doesn't it? Well here's the catch! First you must accept who you are and what you have. Easier said than done, words are always words... but seriously, the modelling industry is actually one to encourage this. Put aside the weight criticisms, I want to focus on features. Modelling thrives on the idea of the unique, of the different. So many models in designer brand campaigns have such unusual looks that the majority of us will probably think is 'ugly'. But it's actually beautiful because it's unique. Perfection is only boring when it's no longer unique, when you strive for perfection so close-mindedly that you lose sight of yourself and what's unique to you is when it's wrong and unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself. Change is good, good change is good. But in change, there is always something from the old that must remain.To be something completely different, with no trace of your original self means you are simply a product of society, of what you see around you and you bring nothing new and fresh onto the table. Here's a beautiful quote I love: People only fall in love with what makes you different. And that is so true! So accept your differences and find the true flaws that you should be improving on, like the way you yell at your friends or the way you get upset at people's words really easily, or the way your hair covers more than half your face. 

Certain things are okay to change to get closer to what you perceive as perfection, but firstly, accept that it's okay to be like how you are right now, to yell at your friends when you're angry or get upset really easily... Accept and change. Love yourself in your entirety, because no one is perfect. Loving yourself will make you feel perfect. Another saying I want to correct: 'Find beauty in the imperfections'. Sounds nice doesn't it? The person who doesn't judge people... But sayings remain words. Truth is, imperfection isn't that glamorous: the chubby nose, the way you see more gum than teeth when he smiles, the way he cuts you off when you want to say something, the way he won't go to a certain party with you. It's not that beautiful. How can you possibly see beauty in that? We don't need to find beauty in imperfections to be happy about him, or about ourselves. You don't need to love it, you just need to learn to accept it. Accept the flaws and imperfections, because you are able to see how the beauty of everything else about him, or her, or you outweighs this. He, or she, or you as a whole, is a beautiful person. And we get more beautiful each day, with each new experience we get from life and each new improvement we make on ourselves. We are more beautiful than we were yesterday. 
The hardest person to love is yourself, because you know yourself the most. We are our own harshest critic. We are scared of being judged because we are the ones who judge. I have a big confession to that. I used to judge people really harshly, that is pretty terrible hey? I couldn't help it! And I guess what goes around comes around. The fact that I judge people is why I was so scared of being judged. Along with a string of insecurities like not thinking I'm interesting or good enough, it was just really tough to get past this fear of people all judging me. But seriously, this solution is the solution to a large majority of life's problems: Love yourself! When I have finally learnt to accept all my flaws, no one can use it against me. I know I judge people, so what? I know I'm boring sometimes, and what? I know most of a time I lack opinion and a voice, but I've accepted this. And better yet, beyond accepting it, knowing it's a flaw (to me they are), I am improving myself, to have more of an opinion so now everything just falls into place so nicely: I've successfully improved myself, I feel like a better person and I now love myself even more. With every change, I am happier and happier. And I've learned to love myself as a whole and love others as a whole, and stop being so judgmental. Which all means that I am no longer scared of being judged... and it's just an endless cycle of love.
Empire of Autumn by iNeedChemicalX
by iNeedChemicalX
So the lesson of life to learn here is more simple that this essay I managed to write out: Love yourself! Love yourself before anything else. This has truly changed my life, I don't walk with my head down staring at the ground anymore, I hold my head higher, I'm not so scared of people anymore and to enter into conversations. 
A lot of everything that was wrong with me, that I didn't like about myself changed with the first step: acceptance (no need to love, just don't hate). Then the next step is to improve. Once you have successfully done so, you will automatically start loving yourself. And then everything else around you just becomes lovable and lovely and love, love, love!
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