The past 2 months overseas away from everything was revitalizing. I've come back today feeling like a completely evolved person. A new aura illuminating from within. So much more confidence, so much more sure of myself... and most importantly, so much more happier.
I put us on a 6 month break... but I've come back and I am sure I don't want this anymore. He was amazing, I don't regret a single thing about us, he taught me things and I will be forever grateful. I could never ask for a better guy to be my first.
He loves me and to me he fits all the criterion of a perfect boyfriend, but that is not enough for a relationship. There was no proper connection. He was right, I have nothing to say all the time, because I don't know what to say, it doesn't come naturally when I am around him. We are awkward around each other, and our friends notice this. We are just not meant to be. He is amazing and he will find someone who actually compliments him, who shares the same interests and humor, the same vibe. Someone who he can have proper conversations without the awkward silences. He told me once that even if we don't work out, he'd still want to be friends... and I want the same thing. I want to remain good friends too. We don't pretend like nothing has happened between us, we simply move past it.
This is the best for him too. I'm too much drama for him, way too complicated, always overthinking, causing problems, hurting him. We are both just hurting each other. In addition, he pointed out he will be really busy this year, he won't have time for a girlfriend, he has way too many other commitments. And I am one commitment not worth keeping.
Right now... I am happy to be a singleton... free as a bird. Sure of myself.. and what I want. In six months I will decide whether I really do like this other guy I met on the 2 month trip. But for now... I don't want anything... because to be honest, I am very biased... all guys to me are boys. I need a man. And at 19... it's not easy to find a man. It's just not time...
I'm home, refresh, ready to take on the new year. I'm not coming back down. I'm going to keep building up... making sure I completely eradicate this over-dramatic side of me before I step into anything. He may be 'hot-damn', even my family friend who came with my parents to pick me up kept on talking about how good-looking he was... little do they all know that I am over with my boyfriend and this new guy has fallen for me and says he's willing to wait for me.
This travelling experience has completely changed me, and my outlook on life. I don't think it's possible to travel whilst in a relationship. Look what it's done to my first. And I am absolutely in love with travelling... so the reasonable thing would be to stay single, explore the world and settle when I'm actually ready.
Not going to even consider him for now. Because for now... I just want to focus on myself. So welcome home me... welcome home Brand New Me.