Monday, 13 January 2014

Not ready for Love

6963 by IlonaShevchishina
by IlonaShevchishina

Apparently Sagittarius' are independent and ambitious, put career first before love...

I put us on a break, because being in a relationship is just too much unnecessary thinking and drama involved. Too much uncontrollable emotions that lead you nowhere. I can't have this holding me back.

I put us on a break for 6 months, because he says he won't have the time for me which his busy year ahead. He isn't confident that he can handle the time needed to be spent on his position as vice president for a club, as a student in his last year of university, as a friend, as a passionate basketball player... feels like he's putting me last. Prioritising me last.

So the easiest way is to give him the time he doesn't have. Give him 6 months. He says I'm blaming him all the time... I don't even know what to say anymore... no more left to say. These 2 months studying overseas away from him has torn us apart. I have lost the feelings, I've discovered how much happier I am without him... without having to think about him 24/7, with having to miss him, to tell him to give me certain things like his time. I'm sick of it... the past 5 months have been nothing but drama...

I don't regret him being my first... but in this point in time... I don't feel as though he will be my last. I enjoy being single... so much more carefree. So much happier... I don't have to feel demanding and hate myself... I can love myself again. I don't feel loved as his girlfriend, I don't feel he cares. I don't hate him, not at all... he is a good guy. I was blessed that he was my first... he was extremely gentle with the heartbroken girl that I began as. He taught me things, he didn't put me back together, but he taught me how to put myself back together.

Above the sound of crashing by Emily-White
by Emily-White

In a month I will be home, and I will have to deal with this... whether the feelings for him will resurface... or am I really happier alone.

But then there is this other guy that I met on this trip overseas. He was actually a crush I had back in the last year of high school. I never formally met him but I was there when my friend was talking to him since they were friends. He was tall, so he caught my attention... and against all odds, he happens to be here on this trip and we get really really close. To the point of lying in the same bed whilst watching Breaking Bad (with my friends in the other bed next to us). I am highly rational and though I crave to hug him, to be in his arms... I restrain myself. He is tall and he gyms so he is very well built. He has a highly amazing body. But his personality... is not one I seek in a boyfriend. He isn't bad. He's kind (gives money to beggars on the streets) but he's quite timid and shy, indecisive... not attentive enough.

Why is that all my crushes end up getting really close to me. But by the time they do, things have changed. I had a massive crush on my ball partner back in the early years of high school, by the last of year of high school, he was my ball partner but I no longer had those feelings for him. There was another guy in high school I had a crush on... from the start of university he has become my best male friend. Now this guy, who I had a crush on at the end of year 12 is now lying in my bed... falling for me.

So much indecisiveness, it's dangerous to try and have it all.... the safest solution is to have nothing and be alone........ Or have a small taste of it....

If I wanna experience being in the arms of different guys, even if it's not sexual... it's dangerous. No guy would want to date a girl that's had history with many guys... You can never have it all, or you will lose it all in the end. Have nothing now and hope you have something amazing in the future. Don't play the game... it's too dangerous. At the end of the day, I am a girl. I'm not like my brother who has the freedom to do such things in the society that we are in.

Is it okay to be in his arms just once during this month whilst I am on a break with my boyfriend and then return home and be his girlfriend again at the end of our 6 months break, 6 months of being single? Heck, I don't even know if I wanna go back into that relationship. I know he was good to me... but is he good for me...

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