I don't understand why it has to be so hard. Last night was amazing, I had the time of my life. We were acting like little kids in the dark playing chasey, hanging off the flying fox, and kicking drink bottles into the soccer goals. My walls were coming down because I've been trying to let him in. I found my flaw and I've been working on it. It's not fair for him that I'm so scared to show I love him.
But here I am, tears running down my face. My walls up again. I don't know if I can take them down before the next time I see him again. And it's not fair on him because it's got nothing to do with what he's done or hasn't done. He's been so understanding. But seeing her cry today, being worried about me, worried that I'd get hurt by him to the point of wanting to commit suicide. It hurts.
I try to reassure her, and I guess at the same time reassure myself, but it's not getting through to her. And it hurts to see her crying, to hear her bring up her past. She's worried about me, and the things she says scares me. Why oh why does it have to be so hard? Why do we have to worry so much about the future? Why can't we just live a little, fall in love without fear of losing your life?
It hurts so much.
I learnt from a documentary that the anticipation is usually worse than the thing we're anticipating. I hope that's true. Here I am, scared of something that might not even happen. I'm making up all these problems for myself now, that don't even exist. Sad, scared, angry at myself. I know I'm such a pessimistic lover, I'm trying to change. But this talk I had today, it certainly has had the opposite affect on all the things I've done so far trying to overcome it. I've been trying so hard to think optimistically. There's so many old lovers out there, still holding hands. Why can't that be me? The things is, it could. And even if he doesn't end up being the 'one', there are so many people who go through heartbreaks and survive. What is there to be scared of? It's all part of the life experiences. Stop fearing now and just deal with it when it happens. Enjoy now.
Thinking this helps, my heart is feeling less heavy. The walls have shifted down a bit.