Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Feminist Age: Does He Pay For Dinner?

The hard part about falling in love so young, is that you're falling in love with a boy, and not a man. And for a person seeking a long term relationship, it's not a boy you want in the future, it's a man.

by ~ankgas

So the tricky part is being able to see that he will become the man you want in the future. I don't know if it's silly that I'm reading this book. I started reading it after I watched the movie: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man by Steve Harvey. But nothing's wrong with expanding your thought and analysing other people's thoughts and views. And there is this certain section in the book: ...a man -a real one, anyway- wants to feel needed. And the easiest way to help him get that high is to let him provide you. This is only fair...Providing for the ones he loves and cares about, whether it’s monetarily or with sweat equity, is a part of a man’s DNA, and if he loves and cares for you, this man will provide for you all these things with no limits.

Now I know that expecting a man to care for you financially, no questions asked, in an age in which women have been raised to be financially independent of men gives you pause; if you’ve been taught all your life to go dutch on your dates and pull out your own checkbook when it comes to paying
your bills, and you’ve been repeatedly told that you can’t depend on a man to do anything for you, then it’s understandable why you can’t wrap your mind around this simple concept. But remember what drives a man; real men do what they have to do to make sure their people are taken care of, clothed, housed, and reasonably satisfied, and if they’re doing anything less than that, they’re not men—or shall we say, he’s not your man, because he will eventually do this for someone’s daughter, maybe not you.

For sure, all too many men shirk this responsibility, whether out of selfishness, stupidity, or sheer inability or a combination of all three... But ask any one of those men who aren’t doing right by themselves or the ones they love what they regret most, and I’ll bet you a majority of them will say the same thing: they wish they had the ability to provide.

Of course, some men simply refuse to share the money in their pockets with their women. As some rap songs and hiphop magazines tell you, these men feel they’re being “played” if they provide anything of monetary value to the opposite sex. Some men even label any and every woman who expects her intended to provide for her the very handy, decisively ugly phrase gold digger...

by ~AlexandraSophie

In fact, men have set it up so well that we’ve got women thinking that if they remotely expect a man to pay for their dinner, or buy them a drink at the bar, or set any financial requirements for their man, then they’re gold diggers. I’m here to tell you, though, ladies, that the term “gold digger” is one of the traps we men set to keep you off our money trail; we created that term for you so that we can have all of our money and still get everything we want from you without you asking for or expecting this very basic, instinctual responsibility that men all over the world are obligated to assume and embrace. It’s a “get-over” term, ladies—one that has a very legitimate premise (there are, of course, women who date and marry men solely for the cold, hard cash), but one that has been wrongly and almost universally applied to any woman who has made clear that she expects her man to fulfill his duty as a man. Know this: It is your right to expect that a man  will pay for your dinner, your movie ticket, your club entry-fee, or whatever else he has to pay in exchange for your time. You all have to stop this foolishness with the “I pay for my dinner so he knows I don’t need him” approach.

Now, there are different ways to provide besides monetarily. Your man could be broke, but he’s going to do everything within his power to make up for this by supplying your needs in other tangible ways. Providing for the ones he loves and cares about, whether it’s monetarily or with sweat equity, is a part of a man’s DNA, and if he loves and cares for you, this man will provide for you all these things with no limits.

So the problem? This whole book is about thinking like a man, and I can't exactly say he is a man yet. We're both still currently just students studying full time at university, working part-time jobs. I don't expect him to pay for the entire meal, which means yes, I have suggested that we go dutch. I don't feel it's right to make him pay for dinner when I work too. I don't want him worrying about having enough money just so he take me out. I actually much prefer not going out for dinner with him at all. I don't mind just going on walks by the park, or just some other non-consumer type of activities. But is this bad? Does it send a message that I don't need him to provide for me? He is still just a boy, so I don't expect him to provide for me now. But in the future? I would hope when he graduates and has his own job, he could pay the bill for dinner. It would be a nice sign that he could/would provide for not just me, but for our future-family. Ok, this sounds like it's going way too far into the future. But I want to make sure everything will be right, now and in the future. Because I really do believe there will be a future with us.

by ~GabiAngelo

Branching off from this, I said that I would hope he pays for dinner when he has a full-time job. But I would also have a full-time job. Would it be bad if I earned more money than my man? Would that demasculinate him? Would it be bad to make him pay for dinner when I clearly earned more than him? Women these days are more and more independent. Buying their own cars, own homes, capable of providing for themselves. But does this send the men running? Because we're so capable on our own, we don't make them feel needed? It's such a conflicting topic. In the age of feminism, where we have female prime-ministers and powerful female corporate figures, it's hard to think it should be any different when it comes to love. But I'm seeing it now. Love is love, career is career. We can be as strong as we want when we're pursuing our dreams, but when we're with our man, we must make him feel like the man.

Another thing, if I don't expect him to provide for me now, would he assume that I don't need him to provide for me ever? I guess this one isn't really a problem. We have a really good relationship that consists of strong communication. We've been so blunt with each other in the past. He even suggested talking about finance and anniversaries. Like whether we should be celebrating every week or month, and whether I want him to pay for everything or go half. So I told him definitely not every week because that's just silly. I said every year because that's the true milestone but he didn't mind every month which is sweet. And for finance, I said exactly what I said here, I said I didn't feel right making him pay all the time when we both work but it would be nice if he pays sometimes. So we decided to be spontaneous.

So far we've only gone on one date and he was ready to pay but I suggested going dutch and he didn't argue. But he told me to let him pay for all the small things, like the large bubble-tea he got me at uni last week, and also anniversaries which is really really nice. In the future dates, I'm still going to suggest going half, I really don't feel right making him pay, and I guess it's alright if he doesn't even bother protesting because there are other ways for him to show he is capable of looking after me. He is such a gentlemen he opens the car door for me to get in and also to get out, things like this that I used to see on TV and think were unnecessary and stupid but now I see it. It's small things like these that show how much he cares. Everything is pretty perfect right now. But I have lived long enough to know nothing is ever perfect.

by ~patrycjanna

We'll have our first fight but I'm confident it will do us good. He said he has a good temper, and I believe I do too, so our fight won't happen until a long long time from now. But I guess the bad part is when it happens, it would be very serious. I hope we will pull through. As I have told him, as long as we never stop hoping to be with each other, nothing's going to stop us from being together.

Readers here may see this and think how naive I am, and I do believe I am quite naive, this is my first relationship. I have the highest hopes for it.

So there is a certain downside to falling in love so early, that's why most of them never last, cannot stand the test of time. Because, I guess, people change, they mature, and their needs change. But I've always known myself to be far more mature than my age represents. And getting to know him, he seems very mature, when he needs to be, too. There are good sides to falling in love early. We connect with each others' friends more easily. But the main one is the puppy love, it's so amazing. We can do crazy things. Acting young is absolutely great!

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