Sunday, 15 April 2012

From the bottom of my heart

I've started wondering recently, whether there are people I know reading my most personal blog entries. Where I've written some very deep things about me that I have only expected those who don't know me to read. Writing without thinking people who know me read this is reassuring, it means I won't be judged when I am around them, especially for things I do not know they know.

Google image search my name and there's a photo of me. Friends/secret admirers might google image search my name and find out about this blog when they see my photo pop up....There over 200 readers from Australia who have visited my blog.  But yes, Australia is huge and there are many cities, narrow that down to the few people I know and it's very unlikely. This thinking is what reassures me to continue writing without holding back. And so I will do so, in this blog entry. It is very unlikely for a friend/ secret admirer to google image search my name, pretty sure they will have better things to do. I won't be googling and of my friends or the people I secretly admire... haha, yes I do have people I secretly admire. And yes, I said that right, it's 'people', plural.

One of them, I know a few things about: name, previous school, siblings. The other I have only seen once and hope to see again in my Management lecture. He's a 'half'; half asian, half white. Never thought I'd be attracted to that type. I never thought they were attractive when I was young and I surprised many people with my opinions about there appearances. But these opinions have changed. I just haven't met the right 'half' (no pun intended). The similarities between the two are that they are tall, +180cm, just my type.

I don't intend to start anything though, I don't mind being friends and getting to know them, but I really don't want to start anything. I've written notes down telling myself how to control myself. A letter that can only be opened on 30/11/2016, the day I turn 22, signifying the day I can finally have a bf. It's because I don't trust myself to be faithful. My eyes seem to wander, I have a crush on one and then I change. Maybe this won't be so when I actually enter a relationship one, but I still need to find out what my exact 'type' is. Last year I haven't even realised I was extremely attracted to tall guys. I'm pretty sure these realisations will come to me a lot in the coming years. Better be sure before I set my eyes on a specific target. Right now I'm just roaming, scoping, analysing. Appreciating the 'eye candy'.

Recently a guy friend has really 'woken' me up from my fairy tale dreams. The largest hole I would have fallen into if he did not pull me back. He knows how I am very sheltered and traditional, and how I see my first boyfriend as my future husband, but he warns me that this will be too great of an expectation, and that I should just enjoy the present time I have with 'him' and not think of such a future otherwise the larger the disappointment and the heart ache. Some make sense, but if you don't put your heart in, what kind of relationship is that. But not seeing so far into the future is correct, it places huge pressure on the relationship. But I guess my thinking is not as bad as it sounds, I just want a relationship that is serious, where I can see it going long and far. I don't have to think or see the future with marriage in it, just far enough that I can't see an ending. If you can see an ending, why start? Right?

That's why I think I'm not ready for a relationship yet as well, this reason being that in a few more years time, when I mature and am assure of myself and what/who I need, then he too will be ready and sure of what/who he needs and willing to have a serious relationship instead of those high school crushes that only last, the longest, a year. The minds of boys mature much later than girls, and right now I don't think they're ready, and I'm not ready either.      

Add: I've actually already finished this post, but there are some things I would like to say as well. There is another thing which has kept me away from a relationship. The pageants. Yes, where my dreams lie. If you have read my previous posts, you would remember that I have a dream to participate in a pageant. I don't have to win, I just really want to experience it because it seems life changing in a good way. Many pageants have a particular criteria, and that is that the participant is single. Why? I don't know why. The Miss Chinese World is one such pageant. And this really drives me to improve myself, without having a relationship hinder me towards reaching this.

I took these two photos when I was with the guy who had completely changed what I believed was my 'type', I now only see the tall guys. Such romantic scenery. And looking back, or reminiscing about the three days (yes, I've only seen him that many times) that I have spent near him, I know it's hard. If the 'one' comes, it comes. I just need to know how to differentiate it from just a mere 'crush'. My mind has certainly matured quite a bit in the past half year though. I never thought it'll happen, but I'm not attracted to 'attractive' boys anymore. The ones I'm attracted to these days are descent looking, just not model looking. I think this really reflects well on how my type is less about image and more about personality. One thing remains though, he must be tall.

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