Saturday, 16 August 2014

Defensive Mechanism

I came to realise that I have this condition,
where once I find out someone I like, likes me back, 
I lose all attraction towards them.
A defensive mechanism.

Eternal Rapunzel by Dapicture

by Dapicture

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...And that is why it's so hard for me to fall in love and be in a relationship. I freak out! This was exactly what happened in my first and only relationship so far. I liked him, found out he liked me too, and immediately the following day of finding out I told him I no longer liked him. Only after a week, thinking he has moved on and no longer likes me, did I tell him I still liked him and was simply scared.

I can be completely attracted to someone, crushing on them from a distance, imagining how great it would be if we were an item. But the second I find out he likes me too? Poof! My head steps in and numbs my heart so I am confused about how I feel about the guy. A defensive switch turns on. But once I think he no longer likes me, the switch turns back off, and the feelings return and all I do is regret. And I am not the type to let someone into my life if I am unsure about them, about how I feel about them. I want it to feel right, but when it's mutual, it never feels right... because of this switch.

A switch to protect me from entering into relationships, from enduring any possible heartbreak. It's insane, some subconscious mechanism ingrained into my system. I don't think about turning it on. It just happens. Involuntarily, like how a heart automatically beats without your mind telling it to.

Night Sky by carlosthe
by carlosthe

I hope going slow, he will be able to reassure my stupid head that it's ok, that my heart doesn't need numbing, that it's safe to turn off the switch. It's safe to feel. But how slow can a spark endure before it's lost? If I take it too slow, I might lose an opportunity with someone amazing. My first relationship was lucky, he accepted me when I explained my feelings for him, even after I rejected him the previous week and told him I no longer liked him. If not, I would have been filled with regret.

I guess the lesson to be learnt, is to take a leap of faith. Even when it's not 100% right, give it a chance. Go on a date. Take it slow, but take it to the next level...

But I'm not going to initiate. He needs to initiate, and take me out on a date. I'm traditional like that. If not, and I lose him. I guess that's just the way it goes. No regrets? I hope.

But I don't want to be in a relationship so soooooooooooooooooooooon. Oh my gawd, I wanted to be single for another year or so. I keep telling myself, I have the rest of my lifetime to be with someone, what's the rush? Why did he have to come so soon after my break up? I want to focus on me, and not get distracted with building an 'us'. I want to go on adventures with my friends. I have the rest of my life to go on adventures with him......... why now?

No comments:

Post a Comment