Saturday, 5 October 2013

Who I Am

by EmilySoto
Because of my parents I have become super sensitive to everything that happens in a relationship. I over-analyse EVERYTHING. I'm a freak and I think only you can handle this side of me. That's why a relationship feels like a burden to me. I feel bad to say this but I'm happier single. Only thing is, I can't picture myself with anyone else but you. I guess you just came at the wrong time? I don't know what to do with myself. I have been craving to see you for the past 2 or 3 weeks and now that I've spent a whole day with you, but with you not being your usual energetic crazy self and leaving me feeling awkward, uncomfortable and confused, I don't think I want to see you anytime soon. I kind of... (feel so horrible saying this but...) miss being single.... 

It's either you were tired today (highly likely with all the assessments you are having these days) or you were bored... of me. And that's a huge fear of mine, I constantly think one day you'd just leave me because you'd get bored of me. That's how people fall apart, they get bored. And I don't think I'm an interesting person to be around. The way you acted around me today, I got scared. You send my insecurities shooting up, unintentionally no doubt, and I feel like running again. I run because I'm worried you would run. And that's selfish. Because that means I'd rather hurt you than be hurt. I'm running, but I'm not leaving you. I just need time to calm myself, because I'm scared. I'm going to always care about you and constantly try and not hurt you. Because you are so brave to just give your heart to me like this, even I after I rejected it the first time. How can you be so brave, I wish I could be as brave as you...

by bondagist

One major thing scaring me is that you left your ex (your first girlfriend) because she was insecure and overly jealous. The thing is, I'm insecure. I may be able to restrain my jealousy with my rationality (constantly telling myself to trust you) but my insecurity runs deep within my emotions, hence something I cannot control. This won't be good for us. I'm worried it's history repeating itself for you. (And another thing that's kinda killing me is should I ask?... whether you still talk to her, whether you still see her?) 

How can I be so insecure right now. When I have so much to offer. How the hell will I feel in 10 years time, when I'm old and you know me inside out and I probably bore you. How the hell is this going to get any better?

I over think, that's a known fact. But that's me and I can't change it no matter what I try to do. Because the more I try to do something about it, the more I end up thinking and it's just a never ending cycle of doom. 

Guess I just have to accept the fact that that is me. I am an over-thinker. I let my thoughts control my emotions. It's who I am. And to avoid my emotions, I runaway, I mentally and physically try to shut you out. 

I'm not sure if I should tell you these things. If it's necessary to tell you these things... I'm filled with unnecessary drama if you want me to open up about my emotions to you every time I feel something. That's what you told me to do. You told me I was wrong when I said emotions are stupid. I don't think I'm wrong. Emotions are the cause of a lot of unnecessary drama. I guess your point was that emotions build up and eventually it'll all come out and in one big explosion which you want to avoid. But with me. I think I can control it, I've controlled it my whole life. Plus, I know when it's right to open up, before I actually explode. 

I guess I'd like to think I know what I'm doing.... hopefully this is true. 

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