I just always thought I could think rationally and remove these emotions. Rationally telling myself that these emotions are stupid and brush it off. But he's telling me to stop being rational and just let it all out. But I'm so used to controlling everything, controlling my emotions.
To be honest, I really think that this fear of emotion comes from my older brother. His ability to be less sensitive to things, to label emotions as weak. You have IQ and you have EQ. Isn't that what EQ is? When you can control your emotions? Emotional Intelligence. And I believe in his point of view.
I have told my boyfriend numerous times that I think emotions are stupid. I hate it. But I've found the one who's openly emotional and I am so glad for that. He makes it seem alright to break down. To not care, to not think.
I used to think my type was the really masculine type, like I thought I could handle that since I was raised in a household dominated by men. But he comes around and proves me oh-so-wrong. I like to think I'm strong, that I can think like a guy, but when it comes around, I realise I'm not as strong as I thought I would/could be. My constant attempt to control my emotions is only proof of how sensitive I actually am.
I think way too much. The only reason it took me this long to become his girlfriend is because I've been so rational. I'm so rational that even when I'm drunk I can still pretend to be normal.
I was talking to him yesterday, about him forgetting about seeing me at uni. It was a really good example of my rationality taking over my emotions. I tried to justify his acts for him. Telling myself that he's just a guy, plus he has bad memory and I don't usually go into uni on that day, and that forgetting doesn't mean not caring... like all these things just to brush off my feelings of disappointment and maybe even annoyance.
Talking to him, he asks me what am I worried of. Whether I'm worried he's cheating on me. I don't think he is. Not at all. Well not yet at least [he got upset that I hesitated in answering.... and grrr I don't want to hurt him with my traumatic past that's already hurting myself]. But this subject caught me off-guard and it got me tearing up. I realised that I've been so overly rational because I don't want him to get annoyed by a girls emotions (because my brother would be). I'm scared he will leave me. He tells me not to compare him to my brother, not to generalise. He's right. He's VERY right. He said that I have found an outlier and I love him so much for being so different. Only he can understand and only he can handle my repressed emotions. But I'm so so scared.
I started tearing up because the conversation reminds me of how messed up I am. Reminds me that the problem I thought was gone, is not gone. Even though my mum told me not to let it hold me down. It has taken hold of me in a way that I cannot shake free from.
I am scared I will lose him. Because I've seen so many people lose theirs. And in that, losing themselves. It's scary. The way they can change you. The way they can decide whether your soul lives on or not. I know my boyfriend really loves me and won't cheat on me now, not in a year, not in 2, not in 3, never. But I told him, anything could happen. It may not be cheating, it could just be the simple fact of being bored of someone after being together for so many years. What will happen to us in 5 years? 7 years? 10?
This is what he means by stop being so rational, I'm being rational to protect myself in this case but I should just let myself love him. To forget about everything and just go with me emotions.
But then again, my emotions are hurting him. And I'm hiding them because I really don't want to hurt him. I constantly tell myself how unfair my problems are on him. Even after tearing over the phone I felt a huge urge to apologise for telling him how I felt. Because for him to hear me upset, hurts him. I'm not just hurting myself, I'm hurting him. I've always put other people's feelings before me. With everyone.
Whatever happens, whatever is and isn't. All that matters is that he is the most amazing person and he is here with me right now.
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