Subconsciously

Subconsciously

• by ~applesttar, Moments ago
• Journals / Personal

• Mood:  Shitty

Ahhhh, feeling as insecure as ever..... and I don't know why.

Don't want to blame him for it. Maybe it's just that time of the month...

I feel so horrible right now and there's nothing to explain it.

I just want to run away again. Just shut myself out from the world for a while.

Going clubbing tomorrow night because my friend is going away for 6 months. Maybe the opposite is needed.

But then, after that, it's full on study mode as I have exams next week that I have not yet started studying for at all...

and an assignment due as well. So I will shut myself out this coming week, involuntarily or not.

No one reach out to me please. I feel so tired, not in the lack of sleep way (even though my sleep patterns have been altered), but in a I-don't-care-anymore kind of way.

Maybe I have been subconsciously thinking too much about 'us' and subconsciously been making sure that ever little thing I do is 'right'. Subconsciously scared all the time that I will do something 'wrong'. Subconsciously making sure I look perfect all the time for him even though he says he'll love me no matter how I look (how can I possibly believe that?). Maybe that's why I'm so tired. Because I've been subconsciously working really really hard for 'us' that even I don't know, not less him.  

I don't want to talk to him for the time being, even though he calls every night, and I get so happy when my phone rings and his name shows up. Blah, I really just want to run away. I'm undeniably a flight-risk. But I don't think shutting him out is a good idea. Just out of the blue. Bloody hormones. Maybe preoccupying my mind will make me forget this unusual feeling inside. Or clubbing tomorrow night will do me good. Haven't gone out for a long while now, since uni started. 

Wow, and time just goes by so quickly. It feels so weird. I was working on my assignment, I looked at it was 9:30. After writing half a paragraph I look at it's 10:05. What the hell! And now? Writing this I look and it's 11:25. I look again and it's 12:03 all of a sudden. Where the hell is the time gone? Is something mentally wrong with me. 

Right now I think I need sleep. My stomach hurts and I don't know why. Everything feels wrong.