Thursday, 26 September 2013

October Issue: Two of the Same

Continuing to experiment photography, especially post-editing. Next month's will be all about twins! 
Here's a sneak peak!

On a different note. I want to talk about my day. I was stolen from today. Someone from university took my Law book when I went to the toilet. I left it on the bench near the sink just to go into one of the cubicles only to come out with it gone. Who steals books? Uni students apparently. Lesson learned. Not only never let your valuables leave your side, never let your books leave your side. This world is filled with weird people. 

University is finally freeing up again and there's a week break which will consist of a lot of going out. This whole month has been dominated with exams and assignments that I've been highly introverted. So it's time for me to balance things out and bring out my extroverted side. Lots of parties and events. Tomorrow night is A.S.I.A's famous cocktail event at the Metrocity Club with my girlfriends. Coming Wednesday is Poker Night with my boyfriend's friends. Thursday night is MSU Ball! And then in between it all I'm also going to go to the Perth Royal Show with my boyfriend and his friends (apparently he's really good at all the games so he's going to win me a lot of prizes). Such a super exciting week!!!

Oh, and then the first week of uni straight after the break it's Multicultural Week and I'm going to be going to their Haunted Treasure Hunt event help on the university campus (where I'll be paired up with my friend with a night of thrills and screams) and also their famous Spring Feast filled with heaps and heaps of amazing food at night. 

Apart from losing my Law book and thinking I lost my drivers licence today, amounting to one of the most horrible days I've ever had. Every other day has been amazing. Got my results back for one of my exams and did exceptionally welll!! Usually do really poor so with low expectations I ended up jumping and squealing around in my room like a lunatic. No shame. 

Boyfriend is super busy these coming weeks. Have no idea when he'll free up because I haven't been able to spend any proper time with him since our first month which was.... a little over one month ago. We almost had out first fight, but I didn't let it happen and he didn't let it happen. We sorted it out before I lost my temper in front of him. You know, maybe it's just that time of the month, of my month. Because I almost lost my temper twice. 

Recap from my deep thoughts and feelings over the past month (rollercoaster feelings)

  • Mood:  Fear
  • Listening to: Easy - Beast
I've given you the key to my happiness and that is dangerous. I need to somehow take it back. You can still make me over the moon, but I need the key to be by my side so I know that I can still be happy when you're not there.

Not properly getting to see you today has got me a bit sad for the rest of the day. I was disappointed, not in you, don't worry, but in the way the day turned out. But it's also gotten me scared, afraid of losing you. The fact that not properly seeing you today can have such an impact already, if I lose you, how would I survive? Maybe it's just the infatuation stage still. Nothing to be scared of? It'll get better?

I know you really like me, you say you love me even, but then there's doubt about how much you really care for me. Maybe it's not me, it's you. It's your personality to fail to remember, to see the details, you are a guy so I guess I should understand and not expect too much. I shouldn't expect you to be as attentive as my best friend, because she's a girl.

I never thought I'd be the type to require a guy to constantly reassure me that he still loves me. High maintenance those girls are. But that's me, because I'm so god damn insecure, and that's traced back to my traumatic past again. I gotta be stronger, I gotta overcome my past on my own. 

You told me tonight that it's always you doing everything, that I should have found you today at uni, so then I could see you for longer. But I knew you were studying, I was trying to be considerate and not disturb you. Because I know what's important. But then you also mentioned how it's always you asking for kisses, not me voluntarily giving them.That, I am sorry. But that's only because everything is so new, and I'm still scared. Scared to not only be emotionally attached to you, but also physically attached to you now. 

Because my mind is telling me I don't want to be physically attached to you. I'm scared to be attached to you. Full stop. Because to be attached to you means I need to give up my key to you. And when you're not around, I won't be able to be truly happy. But then that's love isn't it? To trust you with this key, trust that you won't leave me? To have no doubt, no doubt in how much you love me? 

Grrr, I hate myself. Why does my mind have to be so complicated. 

My heart wants you so badly, but I'm such a rational person. It's always my mind driving my actions, telling me to play it cool, to take it slow. But now I'm fearing I might be a bit too cold towards you, playing it way too cool? I'm so scared to express my love in actions, that's why I'm always writing you letters instead, hoping that that would make sure you know that I truly do love you. 

I pray all these crazy emotions are only part of the infatuation stage, and that soon it will ease and I can feel safe and love you without fear and everything is just easy. Because being around you, I get so high, but that only means the fall is even greater. 

That's why I've always feared relationships. The fall.
  • Mood:  Shitty
Ahhhh, feeling as insecure as ever..... and I don't know why.
Don't want to blame him for it. Maybe it's just that time of the month...
I feel so horrible right now and there's nothing to explain it.
I just want to run away again. Just shut myself out from the world for a while.

Going clubbing tomorrow night because my friend is going away for 6 months. Maybe the opposite is needed.
But then, after that, it's full on study mode as I have exams next week that I have not yet started studying for at all...
and an assignment due as well. So I will shut myself out this coming week, involuntarily or not.

No one reach out to me please. I feel so tired, not in the lack of sleep way (even though my sleep patterns have been altered), but in a I-don't-care-anymore kind of way.
Maybe I have been subconsciously thinking too much about 'us' and subconsciously been making sure that ever little thing I do is 'right'. Subconsciously scared all the time that I will do something 'wrong'. Subconsciously making sure I look perfect all the time for him even though he says he'll love me no matter how I look (how can I possibly believe that?). Maybe that's why I'm so tired. Because I've been subconsciously working really really hard for 'us' that even I don't know, not less him.  

I don't want to talk to him for the time being, even though he calls every night, and I get so happy when my phone rings and his name shows up. Blah, I really just want to run away. I'm undeniably a flight-risk. But I don't think shutting him out is a good idea. Just out of the blue. Bloody hormones. Maybe preoccupying my mind will make me forget this unusual feeling inside. Or clubbing tomorrow night will do me good. Haven't gone out for a long while now, since uni started. 

Wow, and time just goes by so quickly. It feels so weird. I was working on my assignment, I looked at it was 9:30. After writing half a paragraph I look at it's 10:05. What the hell! And now? Writing this I look and it's 11:25. I look again and it's 12:03 all of a sudden. Where the hell is the time gone? Is something mentally wrong with me. 

Right now I think I need sleep. My stomach hurts and I don't know why. Everything feels wrong.
  • Mood:  Optimism
I think the last post was indeed me being hormonal, because I don't feel that kind of insecurity anymore, well at least not to that extent. Life is good right now, I seriously have to learn to appreciate EVERYTHING a lot more. I've always told myself to appreciate even the smaller things in life. But recently I've found myself worrying too much.

I've also realised that I hadn't had the proper chance to enjoy the past with him, before we became official. The guessing game, it was suppose to be the thrilling part of the relationship (pre-relationship). When you would feel all fuzzy, trying to catch their attention. The secret staring, the longing, the hoping, the flirting.

I hated it, because I wasn't looking for a relationship and it all scared me. I even cried. So basically I ruined one of the most amazing parts of our relationship. Remembering how shy he gets, it was adorable, but I failed to appreciate it because I was scared. But learning from the past, I'm going to enjoy this next stage of our relationship (of being official), I'm sick of being overly worried. I don't want to look back and regret not actually enjoying the early stages of the relationship, just because I'm too scared of the infatuation stage and its effect on me. 

From now on I'll just assume if anything is bothering him, he will tell me. I won't have to constantly worry that I'm doing something wrong. Technically this assumption is not even an assumption, if something is wrong, there's no reason why he wouldn't do anything about it. It's not an assumption, it's a given fact, a fact of human nature. It's because I've never been in a relationship before (and he has) so I am completely clueless what is good or bad for a relationship, or what is expected or what not, that I'm always so conscious as to my actions. I really have to stop, because deep down I know he's really understanding. I'm putting this all on myself for no reason.

I have to stop worrying about how much he loves me too. Subconsciously analysing, wow, I just realised all this time I've been subconsciously analysing everything he has done/said for/to me. I just gotta stop. I tell myself: Expect less, give more. That's the thought to be in. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.      

I'm just going to go with the flow. Not with a care in the world. Just me, free falling. I'm going to put 100% trust in him. Not going to be scared, not going to doubt. I'm going to be fearless
  • Mood:  Optimism
"If you fight like a married couple, talk like best friends, flirt like first lovers, protect each other like siblings, you're meant to be."

Because I've never done this before (been someone's girlfriend before), and even though I constantly tell myself "Expect Less, Give More", I still find myself putting expectations up for both him and I. Expecting him to act like a good boyfriend and for me to act like a good girlfriend. But the problem is, I don't know what makes a good boyfriend and whats makes a good girlfriend.

So I've come to the conclusion that I should just make it as simple as possible as I always tend to over-complicate things with everything. So as simple as it can be, a good girlfriend or boyfriend is just a good friend. What you would do for/with a friend is something you definitely should do for/with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Simple.

Except there's additional stuff like holding their hand, kissing them, calling them, telling them you love them. But that stuff should just come easily and does not define a good girlfriend/boyfriend. As long as you, or him/her, fit the part of a good friend, all this extra stuff of being lovers is just additional goodness. Simple.
  • Mood:  Sadness
Mannnn, he's so busy lately it's ridiculous. I don't truly understand how busy he is but he's busy enough to completely have no time for me lately. Guess I should be considerate and patient as well like he has been in the past? But never have I been so busy that I've ignored him for so long.

But something is strange. I'm not feeling it lately. He's so distant and cold... Almost had a fight today. But he's pretty submissive so the almost-fight did not happen. Even when I see him he seems absent to me. I don't know if I'm just making up problems in my head but I really miss him. 

Sighhhhh, when I'm not sure whether the problem is just within me, it's good to distance myself and just surround myself with friends and just ignore him back. That way I won't be torturing myself trying to get his attention, nor am I pestering him trying to seek attention. Perfect solution. See how I'm such a flight-risk. The easiest solution is always to run away -_-. 

Recently I had awful thoughts about leaving him. It's just so much easier to run away, seriously. Deeep daaaark thoughts...  
You know why running away works for me? Because most of the time they're just made up problems and escaping to get my head space actually removes these problems. If I hang around I will probably make problems worse for myself.

So yes. Gonna run away for a while... chill with my friends and forget about my problems.

Edit: last time I felt like this was, he was actually planning something... I don't want to get my hopes up though... I really do believe he is just too busy for me, what with all the exams, tests and assignments :(
Man, I feel so bad having to tell someone off, so most of the time I just end up compensating. Holding my thoughts and feelings back hoping not to make a deal out of small things. But eventually they just accumulate and I feel myself wanting to blow up soon. So now I'm trying to gather up my thoughts to systematically communicate them without having me blow up, or blow someone else up.

Trying to communicate them in a way that isn't angry. Less emotional and more rational. Putting reasons for everything I'm feeling, just trying to make sense of stuff so I can explain them. Got really angry last night, but I didn't want to cause a fight so once again I held it in. Talking about it to the person whilst you're still really angry at them does no good. So I ignored him for the night, hoping after taking a shower and having an early night sleep will help me calm down, talking it off with friends is also quite therapeutic. My silent treatment is not the same as the other girls, I have good intentions. I will be silent for a bit but when I'm ready to talk about it I will. And tonight, oh boy, will I talk about it. About all of it.   

Communication is key, but so is timing.    
  • Mood:  Frustrated
Haven't had such a horrible day for who knows how long? Don't think I ever had such a bad day.

Got stolen from and now I also can't find my drivers license, and I need it for tomorrow night and next week.

What a shit day.

Think I've been having too many good days that God thought it wasn't fair and today was the day He wanted to balance things out.


I always knew luck always balances out. You can never be flying high for too long.

Today is my day to fall and crumble.

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