The above title comes from Taylor Swift's song 'Mine' which is not a recent song but I love the meaning and inspiration behind it because I can relate to it, to half of it. I'm turning 18 by the end of this year and I have still not been a relationship before, ever! Some people may find that strange, whilst others may find it normal. For me, I have no idea what to think of it. Really it has been all natural, I have never been asked by a boy to be his girlfriend, though there have been a few I know who like me and I like them back, but I believe my refusal to show them signs or say my feelings out loud has discouraged them from confronting me. But the point is, I have never rejected a boy who has asked me out before. I don't go seeking ( I do look though) and I don't go showing my feelings. Now I have realised I'm just too scared to.
I think all my cousins have been cursed with 'bad love'. I have three girl cousins who have recently been broken by love, by a relationship, by a boy, and by the concept of marriage.
Cousin 1 is 30 and had entered into a relationship late last year ( i think), because of her age, relatives are all rushing her to get married. She's not overwhelmingly attractive plus Chinese people do not share the same culture as the Westerners, if you're not married by 30, your chances of getting married is very very slim. In her early years she has apparently been crushing on a boy for way too long and just couldn't find the one. So we thought that she has finally found the one. People were asking when they were going to marry, pressuring both sides of the party to tie the knot. But she has decided to end the relationship, as a normal person you'd think the one who ends it doesn't get hurt, but she was very obviously saddened by it. He just wasn't the one. Why is it so hard to find the one? In China where there are 688,783,989 males! She's just not lucky.
Cousin 2 is 26 and had her first love as her only love for 7 years. As I have said, the bad luck within love runs along the family, the boy called it 'off' last year and she was left heart broken. More than heart broken, she couldn't find herself anymore, even after several months she would suddenly think of him and break down in tears. She had no motivation in love, no ambition, no aim. She was so lost. Seeing her so hurt was so painful for my Aunty, and seeing this made my mother very saddened too. They were together for 7 years! She had given her most beautiful years to him. They realised their relationship had hit the stage where they had become accustomed to each other that they were no longer 'in love' but simply close friends. She is one of the closest cousins so I witnessed her internal torture. She wasn't lucky in love either.
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Cousin 4 is 18, me. Have no previous experience in love, no boyfriends, no breakups, no heartbreaks. I'm a completely clean blank page. But I'm scared i'll be shredded apart by the very first one that comes along. No one around me has proven that good love exists, and what Taylor says is how I feel: "Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts." I'm such a "careful daughter", "a flight-risk with the fear of falling". I'm too scared to love someone full-heartedly, scared that they'll just end up leaving me, taking my heart with them. I used to think someone would just come and sweep me off my feet and we'd marry and live happily ever after (influenced by Cinderella and other fairytales, I was obsessed with them when I was young) but with age comes knowledge of the harsh reality. My mother has always been worried that the reality of love will change me, make me lose my hope and innocence. I say it'll just make me safer, less likely to get hurt, stronger even. But now I realise I have inconspicuously set up all these walls around me.
In the song, Taylor has found the one that manages to take down those walls she has built. I hope this cursed love phenomenon within my family is simply me thinking way too much and that one day, without being hurt too many times, or maybe not even once at all, the one will be by my side and show me that there's nothing to be scared of.
Your post is great and I like to comment here. It's a good thread and understand your fear/misgiving of being in love. I understand when you say usually an only child is more selfish and spoilt than other. I know some of them, they received always all the attention of their parents and when they grow up they forget to give attention to others and take care of them.
ReplyDeleteThat sentence it's kind one of the sentences to live by for me. I think we can never stop fighting for who we love or for our goals. If you find your love or a good friend you have to make her/him feel special every day. If you get your dream job you have to prove everyday you really deserve it. If not there will be someone who doesn't stop fighting and what as 'your' will be for someone else, it will escape of you! So never stop fight :)
Hope I have helped you and wish you have more luck in love than your cousins...When you less expect you will find the one :)Beijinhos❤
Wow, you are amazing! I have never thought it about it that way. You have really put things in perspective. I do understand that we must continue to fight for our loved one every single day, but I have never thought about it for a dream job, especially not for the reason that if i stop fighting, or simply not fight as hard, I may lose something special to a person who fights harder. You are a true motivator and for that I sincerely thank you!
ReplyDeleteyou are really kind, never thought anyone would comment on my philosophical rant. Thank you, your words are really encouraging and wise, and I do agree that 'boredom' is a very common reason for breakups because i see it a lot with my friends' relationships. Doing different things is good but sometimes guys just get bored of you, of your appearance and begin to criticise you for all your flaws, i guess by then it just means that he's not the one.
ReplyDeleteAbout marriage in our Chinese culture, despite having moved on from out ancient ways, how we perceive marriage is still very ancient. We don't look at divorce as lightly as the Westerners do and also, parents still play a major role in society, especially since everyone only has one child. Parents commit all their attention and love to that one child and so they're not willing to 'gamble' away their child just because the lovers may say they love each other, they'll just perceive it as immature.
The fact that the Chinese people only have one child is a real problem, leading to them either being extremely spoilt and selfish, or shy and anti-social. I think the problem here really was in the boy, he just wasn't willing to disregard his parents and his parents were just too arrogant. To magnify the situation, he is the 'boy' and males are still widely held as the more important one in our culture still, so their parents are not going willing let him just marry any girl he likes, she has to be the best, probably so they can continue the family line (family surname) with extremely brilliant children.
Answering your question, yes, it is because of their parents that they had to break up. The girl he ended up marrying was a girl his parents introduced to him. I'm not sure whether him no being in love with the girl will mean their marriage will fail because he seems to be a very confused person when it comes to his feelings, no matter with who. Plus, arranged marriage has been an ancient practice and the elders used to say that it simply takes 'time' to fall in love with someone, but that marriage comes first and then love, not the other way around.
I really love what you said: "We can't forget we have to fight every single day with our love even if you already have him because nothing is perpetual." That is really inspiring.
When a relationship ends it's never just one person's fault. The boy broke up with Cousin 2 because he was bored and it may be true that she has some fault in herself for not trying hard enough to keep him. She is after all an only child and I have previously spoken of the fact that 'only childs' are generally spoilt, selfish, antisocial, or extremely shy. In this case I believe that both of them being the only child meant they failed to be selfless. Hopefully the fact that I am born and raised in a completely different country, being Westernised and all, I will not have to go through the torment that the Chinese culture inflicts on lovers.
*By the way, no need to apologise, I understand completely. I usually communicate with my cousins through email in English and they are much more worse than you. Thank you for your heart-felt comment! <3
I think the fact you don't had any boyfriend it's normal. I know many girls with my age (17) who never had any boyfriend like you, me neither. I think that just didn't happen! But I know girls who had many boyfriends, some of them too much actually. Some of them don't give many importance if you're really in love, they just wanna a boyfriend! But I think to have a relationship you have to be really in love and trust in the other person for everything. I think I just want have a boyfriend if I have sure it's important and it can result.
ReplyDeleteWell, your cousins are unlucky in love, their stories are really sad specially the story of cousin 3. I feel so sorry for her, she must feeling like she has no world now. And I think it was worst the boy have contacted her and say those things. But her story makes me wondering, the marriage in the chinese comunity have to be approved by the parents? I don't wanna to be meddlesome, but they were both in love for each other but because their parents they had to break up, right? And I think if he isn't in love with her wife, their marriage sooner or later will end because they won't be happy. It would be better if their parents (I mean, your cousin's parents and the boy's parents) tried to forget their conflicts for their sons be happy together.
But don't think because your cousins aren't lucky in love you won't be too. You will have your own story apart of their stories. You have to believe you will find the one like Taylor Swift says in the lyric. I think everything happens in our lifes have a purpose, maybe you can learn something with the sad stories of your cousins. For example the relationship of your cousin 2 didn't work because they were bored of each other. When you have a boyfriend don't let your relationship turns on monotonous, try do differents things, go to different places...I heard many stories of couples ended because they were just bored of each other. We can't forget we have to fight every single day with our love even if you already have him because nothing is perpetual. I'm not saying it was fault of your cousin at all neither this was the problem on their relationship, don't get me wrong please. I always try see the positive side of the things and learn with me mistake and other mistake, and instead you have afraid of love you can learn with their stories and make your story have a happy ending.
So I think I must stop writing because my comment is already really long. Beijinhos:)
PS: Sorry for my english, hope you understand everything (when I write a long text I usually commit many errors)