The above title comes from Taylor Swift's song 'Mine' which is not a recent song but I love the meaning and inspiration behind it because I can relate to it, to half of it. I'm turning 18 by the end of this year and I have still not been a relationship before, ever! Some people may find that strange, whilst others may find it normal. For me, I have no idea what to think of it. Really it has been all natural, I have never been asked by a boy to be his girlfriend, though there have been a few I know who like me and I like them back, but I believe my refusal to show them signs or say my feelings out loud has discouraged them from confronting me. But the point is, I have never rejected a boy who has asked me out before. I don't go seeking ( I do look though) and I don't go showing my feelings. Now I have realised I'm just too scared to.
I think all my cousins have been cursed with 'bad love'. I have three girl cousins who have recently been broken by love, by a relationship, by a boy, and by the concept of marriage.
Cousin 1 is 30 and had entered into a relationship late last year ( i think), because of her age, relatives are all rushing her to get married. She's not overwhelmingly attractive plus Chinese people do not share the same culture as the Westerners, if you're not married by 30, your chances of getting married is very very slim. In her early years she has apparently been crushing on a boy for way too long and just couldn't find the one. So we thought that she has finally found the one. People were asking when they were going to marry, pressuring both sides of the party to tie the knot. But she has decided to end the relationship, as a normal person you'd think the one who ends it doesn't get hurt, but she was very obviously saddened by it. He just wasn't the one. Why is it so hard to find the one? In China where there are 688,783,989 males! She's just not lucky.
Cousin 2 is 26 and had her first love as her only love for 7 years. As I have said, the bad luck within love runs along the family, the boy called it 'off' last year and she was left heart broken. More than heart broken, she couldn't find herself anymore, even after several months she would suddenly think of him and break down in tears. She had no motivation in love, no ambition, no aim. She was so lost. Seeing her so hurt was so painful for my Aunty, and seeing this made my mother very saddened too. They were together for 7 years! She had given her most beautiful years to him. They realised their relationship had hit the stage where they had become accustomed to each other that they were no longer 'in love' but simply close friends. She is one of the closest cousins so I witnessed her internal torture. She wasn't lucky in love either.
Location: Rottnest Island
Cousin 4 is 18, me. Have no previous experience in love, no boyfriends, no breakups, no heartbreaks. I'm a completely clean blank page. But I'm scared i'll be shredded apart by the very first one that comes along. No one around me has proven that good love exists, and what Taylor says is how I feel: "Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts." I'm such a "careful daughter", "a flight-risk with the fear of falling". I'm too scared to love someone full-heartedly, scared that they'll just end up leaving me, taking my heart with them. I used to think someone would just come and sweep me off my feet and we'd marry and live happily ever after (influenced by Cinderella and other fairytales, I was obsessed with them when I was young) but with age comes knowledge of the harsh reality. My mother has always been worried that the reality of love will change me, make me lose my hope and innocence. I say it'll just make me safer, less likely to get hurt, stronger even. But now I realise I have inconspicuously set up all these walls around me.
In the song, Taylor has found the one that manages to take down those walls she has built. I hope this cursed love phenomenon within my family is simply me thinking way too much and that one day, without being hurt too many times, or maybe not even once at all, the one will be by my side and show me that there's nothing to be scared of.