Lately I'm so sick and tired of everything for some reason. Maybe because exams are coming and I feel tied down? I don't know. I don't really think that's it though.
I just feel like I'm a darker person for some reason. Things have happened to me but I don't want that to shape me into a worse person. Just because they are like that doesn't mean I have to be too. To say it's a form of survival, I guess it's just an excuse? It's the easy way out of things to say it's just for survival. An eye for an eye. Revenge? To be good to a person even when they are a bad person, that's where the true strength comes in, not the ability to do even badder things to them.
I want to be a good person, I really do.
That's why I just want to play dumb these days. Dumb people are good people. They're too dumb to be evil. Being evil requires a lot of thinking. I want to be an innocent little girl I used to be a few years back. They can play me all they want, but I'll just be too stupid to know they're playing me. All their horrid intentions will go straight through me. Oh how ignorance is bliss.
I also feel like I am constantly seeking approval with everything I do, with everything I am. All my life I have been subconsciously doing this. I feel like I'm seeking attention and acceptance. It's not a healthy thing to be doing. I know I should just be me, whoever that is, and ignore everything that happens around me. But knowing is different from doing/being. I just want to sink into wherever I am right now, bury myself away, and block everything out.
I'm so sick and tired of it all. So that's it. I'm just going to play dumb now.
Technically you can, but it's just a waste of time. What's the point of caring about how they feel about you when that time could be better spent doing something more amazing?