My mind has moved on, but my heart never will. You will always be the first guy I almost had. The first one that brought me away from simply having crushes on people from the sideline. The first real one. My mind hates you, but my heart still likes you. You never purposely tried to hurt me, but you didn't take enough care. You are still just a boy.
If I had you, my feelings right now would be a million times worse. A million times harder to mentally move on. That's why I've told myself I don't ever want to be in a relationship, until I figure out what the secret is to moving on, to reducing the impact of the hurt. Because if I ever truly have someone and they leave, I don't think I can survive that. I really don't.
Last night your friend played a prank on me through text on your best friend's number, saying he had feelings for me and wanted to talk. I thought it was you being stupid again. He continued with his prank, saying he was depressed and wanted me 'for real this time' and I broke down. I told him, thinking it was you, that it wasn't funny. Because I thought it was you, you wanting me back. I don't want you to want me back (mentally) but I have to admit, I still want you to want me back (emotionally). So I broke down. I crumbled to the floor like a piece of paper. Weak, exhausted, confused, angry.
He apologised once he realised this was a soft topic for me. It wouldn't have been a soft topic if I didn't think it was you pranking me. You would have been really heartless you have done that to me. But this opened my eyes to something. Something I thought I had finally overcome.
These past weeks, I thought I had finally done it, that my mind had defeated my heart and it was invincible. That you no longer have 'control' over me. Your flirty words no longer had the same effect it once had on me. I thought my mind had secured the throne to be the driving force behind any future decisions between us. Last night proved me oh so wrong. Just one split second of reading a text message, the emotions came flooding back and seized complete power over me. If it had been really you, if you really meant those things I thought you said in that text, I don't know if my mind will be powerful enough to say no to you.
The little things you still say and do gives signals to my heart to think that we might still have a chance. That you still have feelings for me. Maybe you still do. But it doesn't mean you will do anything about those feelings. All you do is constantly jab me with those words and hope that I will give in, like the first time, and confront you about your feelings by putting my feelings out there first.
That's why I mentally pray that you will never want me back. Because once you want me back, you're going to get me back, whether I mentally want it or not. Truthfully I don't think you deserve me. Not now. Not anyone. You're confused and not ready to be committed. And I don't like how you have such a control over me. I want to have control of myself like I did before you came around. I just know you're going to hurt me, like you already have, but a million times worse. That's why mentally I still hate you.
Edit: 2 exams down, 2 more to go. Today so many of my friends have already finished all their exams. This sucks -_- On another note, studying to me means procrastinating with designing. When I'm sitting there with nothing but paper and a pencil there's nothing better to do. Enjoy! :)