We don't need to rush

a deriva: welcome, ghosts

by =gokturkayan

Being single seems really hard these days because everyone around me is getting a boyfriend. And although that kinda , just a little bit, makes me feel a tad lonely, I don't want that to affect my thinking and the way I act. I don't want to rush into anything just because I feel semi-lonely.

This is what I think: We are going to be with someone for most of our life (find someone be in a long term relationship, get married and stay together forever), so why not enjoy our small limited time of being single and do things that only single people can do?

There is indeed a BIG difference. Many young people don't see this difference at all. But I do, and I will not be jumping into anything no matter how lonely I can feel at times. 

And I think that's how he's feeling right now. All this time I've kept my distance after he found out I still liked him and I found out he no longer felt the same. But recently he reached out to me again, wanting to see me, saying it feels like an eternity. It's not me he wants, it's a girl he wants. Right now I'm the closest thing he can 'get'. He's lonely and I'm not going to be weak and give it to him. Another girl in my situation might.

She likes him, he likes her. Why complicate things? But the thing is, he's liking her for the wrong reason. The only reason I'm an overthinker is because I see it through to the end, and I can see myself getting hurt. I want to save myself from unnecessary experiences, unnecessary heartbreaks. It'll be foolish to go into something even when you know it's wrong. 

I will be patient and wait. I won't rush into anything stupid. It's not worth the heartbreak in the end to just rush into something with just anyone. I want to be certain he's the one I want to share myself with before I actually do share myself with him. Most importantly I want to be certain I am happy with myself before I do. 

So that's my goal from now to who knows when. To create stability in myself before I share it with someone.  I want to know who I am exactly, or at least who I want to become, before someone comes into my life otherwise he might just end up determining who I end up being. I want the power in my own hands, I want to determine who I become. Not him. Once I know exactly who I am or who I want to be then I can find someone who will truly like me for me, or someone who will help me become the person I want to be.  

Infatuations: Leather Fun Begin

I rushed July's issue but it's still pretty good I must say!!

Here's the preview:

Forever Broken

You never truly unlove someone. Either that or you never loved them. The mind may have moved on, but the heart never moves on, never completely. It's just the power of the mind, of rationally knowing that he is very very wrong for you, that we define as having 'moved on'.

My mind has moved on, but my heart never will. You will always be the first guy I almost had. The first one that brought me away from simply having crushes on people from the sideline. The first real one. My mind hates you, but my heart still likes you. You never purposely tried to hurt me, but you didn't take enough care. You are still just a boy.  

Broken

by *ArtofAviya

If I had you, my feelings right now would be a million times worse. A million times harder to mentally move on. That's why I've told myself I don't ever want to be in a relationship, until I figure out what the secret is to moving on, to reducing the impact of the hurt. Because if I ever truly have someone and they leave, I don't think I can survive that. I really don't.

Last night your friend played a prank on me through text on your best friend's number, saying he had feelings for me and wanted to talk. I thought it was you being stupid again. He continued with his prank, saying he was depressed and wanted me 'for real this time' and I broke down. I told him, thinking it was you, that it wasn't funny. Because I thought it was you, you wanting me back. I don't want you to want me back (mentally) but I have to admit, I still want you to want me back (emotionally). So I broke down. I crumbled to the floor like a piece of paper. Weak, exhausted, confused, angry.

The Patriot Yue Fei

From wikipedia:

The Patriot Yue Fei is an upcoming Chinese television series based on the biography of Yue Fei, a Song Dynasty general widely regarded as a patriot and national hero in Chinese culture. While the plot is based on historical sources, it also includes elements of fiction and draws ideas from the novel Shuo Yue Quanzhuan (說岳全傳) and other folk tales on the general's life. Filming started in 2011 and the series is expected to be released in 2013. It will also be the first Chinese historical television series to be broadcast on HBO. Huang Xiaoming stars as the titular character, and the supporting cast includes Gallen Lo, Shao Bing, Yu Rongguang, Allen Ting, Zhou Bin, Steve Yoo, Ruby Lin, and Cecilia Liu. It will broadcast on July 2013.

Wikipedia says it's "the first Chinese historical television series to be broadcast on HBO" which I think makes this series a definite worth of our time. It has an amazing cast: China's famous heartthrob Huang Xiaoming, the beautiful queen of historical dramas Ruby Lin, and also the main character of my favourite Ancient Chinese drama so far Bu Bu Jing Xing Cecilia Liu. These three have a special place in my heart and for them to be in the same production makes me so happy. It's a fantasy. Can't wait to see it when it comes out this July. Yue Fei does in fact end up dying a not-so-natural death which makes me somewhat hesitant to watch the entire series as I am not one that copes well with sad endings, I can become depressed for a whole week afterwards. I hope Viki.com will be having it on their website so I can watch it with English subtitles. It's going to be in Mandarin and I can only understand Cantonese fluently. Either way, I can't wait to see the chemistry between Ruby and Xiaoming, and just Xiaoming's handsome face!!  

  

Photo Updates

Haven't posted photos of my life for a while...

Friend's 19th @ Burswood Casino & Merrywell

It takes strength to be a good person [+ lots of daily thinkers]

Kim XV

by ~Pawssou

Lately I'm so sick and tired of everything for some reason. Maybe because exams are coming and I feel tied down? I don't know. I don't really think that's it though.

I just feel like I'm a darker person for some reason. Things have happened to me but I don't want that to shape me into a worse person. Just because they are like that doesn't mean I have to be too. To say it's a form of survival, I guess it's just an excuse? It's the easy way out of things to say it's just for survival. An eye for an eye. Revenge? To be good to a person even when they are a bad person, that's where the true strength comes in, not the ability to do even badder things to them.

I want to be a good person, I really do.

That's why I just want to play dumb these days. Dumb people are good people. They're too dumb to be evil. Being evil requires a lot of thinking. I want to be an innocent little girl I used to be a few years back. They can play me all they want, but I'll just be too stupid to know they're playing me. All their horrid intentions will go straight through me. Oh how ignorance is bliss.

I also feel like I am constantly seeking approval with everything I do, with everything I am. All my life I have been subconsciously doing this. I feel like I'm seeking attention and acceptance. It's not a healthy thing to be doing. I know I should just be me, whoever that is, and ignore everything that happens around me. But knowing is different from doing/being. I just want to sink into wherever I am right now, bury myself away, and block everything out.

I'm so sick and tired of it all. So that's it. I'm just going to play dumb now.