Thursday, 28 February 2013

I'm not ready

I get sad just thinking about it. I should stop thinking about it. I want to run, but my feet are moving in the opposite direction. I'm going closer. What is wrong with me.

I feel like a mess. I never felt like this before, not even with the guy 8 years older than me. Probably because I know there's no chance. 
I don't like this situation I'm in. For once the future seems so clear yet completely blurry.

It scares me. 
I need to avoid it. 
I'm not ready.

I've never had such an amazing connection with someone, it was always a crush on someone attractive, it was attraction not connection.

This time he's not really attractive, but we have an amazing connection which makes me attracted to him. I never knew what it really meant by attractive, or attracted to someone. I thought it just meant they were good-looking, but now I really know. I literally am 'attracted' to him, like a magnet.

I want to run but I keep getting closer to him.

He's really nice but yet I hardly know him. My friends know him really well. I don't.
Everyone has flaws, I want to know his before we advance any further.
Everything seems to be going too quick.
I'm still too scared of the idea of a 'relationship' I'm too scared I'll get hurt. That things won't work out. I don't think I can handle that pain. 

I always told myself 'friends' before 'boyfriends', as in let them be my friend before he turns into my boyfriend. So I know him well enough, I know how far someone can push him towards the edge until he gets angry. If he has a good temper (I can't stand being yelled at, or even told off with a angry tone).

I met him, what, like three times. Had a decent conversation with him like once. Most of our actual conversations are on facebook, dear lord, it's facebook's doing. He let's me know him pretty well from our conversations there, but it's facebook, that's not the same. It's not proper, it's not 'real' enough.

I've learnt a lot about him and there are miraculous similarities between us. Both with 2 other siblings, both the middle child. Both our parents are immigrants from the same country, and even more specific, from the same CITY! 

by ~applesttar (a.k.a me)

And yes, I hardly know him outside of facebook. But our relationship on facebook has advanced to the point of him telling me all his personal things, family related and insecurities. He even invites me to his huge birthday party with hundreds of people. I hardly know him in real life. I had a huge complication, whether to go or not. I really wanted to go but it was so far away, transport was an issue. My friend, if he went, could drive us to and back, but he didn't want to go.

I'm glad he didn't want to go because during the time I spend persuading him, I realised I was caught up in the heat of the facebook 'him'. I hardly know him. I was going way too quick.

He's bringing it way too quick too. He casually said he would like to meet my parents, and casually said he wants me to come to his family events, i.e. meet his family (we're still just friends, I understand his intentions but in technical and official terms, we're just friends). I mean, I'm not scared by it.. but I am? I'm not scared by the fact that he's capable of moving so quickly, but I am scared that it's a sign that he wants me. I'm not ready to be with someone. My plan was to be in a relationship when I'm 20 (if my older brother has started dating already) or 22 (technically it should be 23 but I wrote it wrong on the letter to myself, a promise I made to myself back in the last year of highschool). 

Now these promises seem stupid now that I read the dates, like why wait for my brother to date first. I remember the reason, because I thought it was weird being the first to date in the family, but I don't see that problem anymore. The real problem is that I want to focus on my education and career first, or just my education. I should be watching a lecture online right now but he's got me going crazy that I find the need to spill my emotions out on this blog. It's affecting my focus. If I date him, it'll only make things 10x worse. I won't be able to focus on anything. I don't think I am capable of multitasking in my life. -_-

But every time he's online, I can't help but want to talk to him. I can't control myself. But I need to.

I can't completely ignore him because we are 'friends', normal friends don't ignore each other. But we're not normal friends.  

He used to have a blog too. I've read it. Here's one that really made an impression on me (25/01/11):

Today's message: "Love your partner as he/she should love you, take care of her and cherish her presence in your life"

Really, today's age is the age of young romance or *flings* as some would call it. We have gotten rid of the ages of "oh my gosh ew its a girl she has cooties" and "ew girls".

Today's age is simply want to be my boyfriend/girlfriend or lets go out. Young, wow they start from very very young as young as year 8's. I mean previously at school half the quad were at leas holding hands. Disturbing images, but how many of these actually last anytime, if at least a month? Not a lot and even those that do, they probably won't last much longer.

And those that are a bit older, who are in more stable relationships must be able to believe in their partner and cherish them in their life. It is so special to have someone else in your life, who loves you one thousand times your close friend. They are there to support and love you through tough, through happiness and ultimately through everything.

What does it mean to respect your girlfriend/boyfriendit means showing her that no matter what she/he wears ( makeup or clothes), that you will always look at her/him like the first time you looked at that beautiful face of his/hers. And being surprised at how amazing she/he looks every single time. It means showing her/him signs that you still love him/her. Writing letters, making a call, an occasional hug/kiss, showing clear interest in her/him and much much much MORE.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend should be the most important thing in your life(except your family, family first right).

So for you people out there that are EVEN lucky enough to have a girlfriend/boyfriend, seriously cherish him/her and make them feel lucky to have you as well. Look after them.
Look after them, and make them feel special no matter what.

Anyone can be with anyone, Uptown with Downtown, there are so many possibilities, if the couples out there take each other for granted at Any second in their lives. They should be reconsidering their relationship, because as a couple you are in heaven.

When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.
Dr Seuss

Love her, Love him. Be Together forever.

How many boys will think that? He seems amazing.
And I am also reminded by myself that I do crush on people easily. The past few months I've already had thoughts of 2 boys, picturing myself with them in a serious way. But as I said, it was attraction, not connection. Either way, keeping away from entering into relationship anytime soon is a smart thing to do for myself. This way I can find out if my feelings for him are true. (This is why Taylor Swift's relationship with Harry Styles fell apart just as quick as it began, generally -not always- relationships last longer when you take it slow)  

But also, if he really is that amazing, and that into me, he'll be able to wait. I'll put both us through the great test of time. During this, I need to learn to control myself, don't let my feelings get in the way. Stay strong, stay focused. 

As Shontelle's song 'Impossible' says: I should take caution when it comes to love.

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