Saturday, 12 July 2014

Life Thus Far...

Been on holiday and stayed away from blogging. For that I apologise. Being bored, I didn't feel blogging was the remedy. But I still don't want to overlook the purpose of this, to document my progression through life.

In these holidays, I have had to make a lot of decisions. Most of which was because I created the need as a result of utter boredom. One major decision was to find a new job, in which I am so happy to share that I got after an extensive application progress. I am going to be working at a bank; getting that experience. Oh and that money of course, for travelling!

Hopefully I will be able to cope with working part-time. I don't see why I wouldn't be able since I did for my first year of Uni, and here I am only doing 3 units. Only difference I guess is this is part-time and that was casual. Other things that have changed in my life include taking up a new sport: Thai Boxing/ Muay Thai. I have a personal trainer for unlimited time, paying only $150, it's so good! How, you may ask? Well he's my older brother. Even better, at the convenience of my own home. Completely sore right now just from a long session 2 days ago.

I love change. It's slightly scary, worried I may not be able to handle it, especially since I realised I didn't do too well in one of my units for last sem (I got a credit, and some may say, well that's better than what I would wish for, I only want a pass... sorry but I'm one of those high-achievers). This credit overshadowed my 2 high distinctions. I shouldn't let it affect me so much but still trying to get past that flaw in me. These silly insignificant things, still affecting me after 24 hrs when it shouldn't.

Many firsts too: My first time going to Melbourne, my first time travelling with a friend and it's not study related, my first time paying for everything on that trip, and my first road trip with friends. I complained about being too bored, but now with this new job in mind, I feel overwhelmed. Worried I am unable to find time for anything: piano, badminton, muay thai, friends, and most importantly... study. I don't want another Credit. I guess I could tell myself that the reason for that Credit was because I was slacking too much since I had all the time in the world. Now that I don't. I will be using my time more effectively.

moments meant for ourselves by Rona-Keller

by Rona-Keller

With all those things that have happened/are happening in my life, I feel I have significantly grown as a person. Intellectually, morally, philosophically, and socially. And I am loving myself. Truly loving myself. Loving myself more than I did this time last year. A lot can change in a year, heck a lot can change in a few months.

I'm not good with commitment so I guess this new 'permanent part-time' job is slightly scaring me. I still want to be able to travel... This slightly depresses me in that it may mean I am unable to travel in the short term. Please don't clip my wings. One of the positives of this job for me is to earn more money to travel.        
Onto my love life... nothing much happening there. Don't want anything to happen there. So many other things I want to occupy my time with right now. However there is this nice guy, smart, generous, kind, considerate and most importantly... so funny! Makes me laugh like no one really can. We really clicked. But there are things holding me back:

- I have only known him for 6 months, not long at all. I want to feel as though he's my closest friend before anything. We still have so many opportunities to truly get to know each other as just friends.
-I don't want my wings clipped, there's too many adventures out there waiting for me which I will be unable to experience with him by my side. Travelling with friends, away from your love, it really hurts.
-I want to focus on just building myself. I thought it was possible to go about with my own goals with a man by my side. It's not. The energy is dispersed. I want to focus everything I have on myself and not share that energy to building an 'us'.
-I still really don't like the idea of commitment, of being attached to someone, of being 'taken', of being 'someone's'. I don't like that idea. Still not ready for it.

So essentially, I don't want it yet. Not this year. But I will go with the flow, see what the future brings and make decisions then. However, a very good sign is that this time, unlike my first relationship, the things hindering me are no longer negative internal things like fearing losing him, fearing it won't last, fearing he will leave me... just all those insecurities... *poof* gone! I've really learned to tackle them after my first love.

"Some women choose to follow men, and some choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore." ~Lady Gaga

My planner for my 6 years at uni is that this year I will go on a volunteering exchange to Taiwan by myself and teach children English and our culture. But it seems my mother wants me to go with the whole family instead. So I don't think I will be doing that anymore, maybe go on exchange somewhere else next year instead. I still want to do it, improve my individuality and independence. Another reason is because my resume has been looking quite dull but now that I have gotten a job in the banking industry, this means I will be able to spice it up and won't need to go on exchange.

Plans never go as they were written, don't stick to the goals you made, go with what is given. So I will adjust my goals to end up at the same future I want, or an even better future! I will adjust my exchange with the commerce experience I will achieve now instead. That makes me happier, knowing the change is still good, I am still on track to achieving the future I want. And as I type all these thoughts out, and think, and think... It's so therapeutic, that Credit I got no longer really bothers me because I can see my future. In that future, this damn Credit will be long forgotten. :)

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