Haven't been posting for a few days because I haven't been home for the past few nights, been staying at a boy's house. But before you jump to conclusions, let me clarify that this was with other people and that it was a group assignment we were rushing to get done.
But nevertheless, there are those thoughts. It always seems to come inevitably with every guy I meet. Maybe this is what happens when my mum didn't let me be friends with boys back in school, saying that things get complicated when we mix genders with friends... and hence I complicate things. Overthink.
But I am different now. Yes, I still remain the same, thinking about the possibilities of having a life together, jumping to crazy conclusions myself... picturing the future... but I am different... because I now fully strive to make a better life for myself on my own. I want to travel Travelling is my sole motivator to remain single. And I've only been single for what? For 5 months. And already I'm thinking about what it'll be like to spend the rest of my life with some boy. Alas, yes, he is still a boy. The most 'mature' and 'manly' boy I have met, but young. We are all still young.
I also have a feeling my friend likes him too, and if they do end up together, congrats to them. Or maybe I am just overthinking... but either way, nothing concerns me. I will be like water, I will slip through fingers but hold up a ship.
For now, I really want to focus on myself. On my career, on building myself. On being able to be happy on my own, and to be happy with myself. So that I won't lose any bit of myself when I am around someone I like. Already it feels like I have grown from that past insecure girl. I don't act like someone else when I'm around him. Maybe because I don't have such a big crush on him. Or maybe I just refuse to think about him in that way. So I'm comfortable around him, more than any friend. Not sure if that's a good thing. I mean, when a guy sees you without makeup, that is the biggest part that changes your thinking about him...
But yes, I really just want to chill. I may like someone but I don't want anything right now. I will not think about it, do anything about it. They can do what they want, try things and try and move me. Maybe move me. If they try hard enough they might get me. But I am putting up walls for a better purpose. No longer walls up to protect my once broken heart, but now for the purpose of blocking out distractions so I can build my own kingdom behind those walls.
I'm going to be great. For now I don't need anyone. They are all just great friends that I cherish. Because I love myself too much to let anyone take away that love.
Louise... you are going to be great. Love yourself, and make yourself the best you can be. Explore the world, explore and learn without fear, without hindrance. Life is filled with wonderful things. Waiting for you to see... on your own.
(And remember, it's so fun being on your own, all that attention you don't have to worry about receiving. No need to worry about any one else but yourself. Free, flying high, without a care in the world - Life is amazing!!)
'If you're searching for that one person who will change your life, look at the mirror'
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