Last night was amazing and bittersweet and memorable and just all sorts of emotions. My friends brought me to a popular restaurant that everyone I meet are surprised to find out I've never been to.
Popularity means we had to wait in a long line. So my friends and I played charades on a mobile phone as we waited outside. So much hysterical laughter, and so many stares. They always manage to make me laugh till tears run down my face and I can feel those abs coming.
Afterwards we hit the foreshore, the beautiful city lights reflecting off the water was breathtaking. And memories flooded back. This was the very spot he asked me to be his girlfriend. I saw the very bench, the very spot in the sand... Indeed it was bittersweet. But strangely enough, this new guy in my life who's slowly replacing him stood next to me. His presence was reassuring.
After standing there taking in the view, we all went to my house to play monopoly. He was a competitive one, a fighter. Even when the odds were against him he wouldn't give up. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad quality. I believe knowing to fight for what you want is important. But fighting for every little thing you want is dangerous, you can easily end up hurting those around you...
When monopoly was over, we all lay on the couch to watch a movie, by then it was already 1 in the morning. He lay right next to me. How comforting that was, in the dark. When he moved my heart would beat so much faster. And then there was that moment when he thought I fell asleep and he turned to look at me. In the dark I couldn't see clearly but I could make out his features. He stared at me. It was so confronting, I stared back for a few seconds before looking away, asking why he was looking at me. He wasn't scared, he just stared at me, his face inches away from mine.
During the movie, that was when I realised he smelled just like 'him'. They probably used the same cologne. Dior homme. I discovered this was the cologne 'he' used when I was away from 'him' overseas. Walked into Sephora in Malaysia and was smell testing the men's cologne with my friend. I was drawn into this one, Dior homme, only to realise a little later the reason was because it smelt like 'him'. And now he smells like 'him', and I love this smell but I don't want him to be a replacement.
So after, when the movie was over, lights back on, he tried to tickle me. I don't remember how it led to that but I love it when guys gets playful like this, ('he' never did. I guess we never had the right connection...). And as my other friend butted in with a conversation, we froze, his hands holding mine. And it stayed there. His hands touching mine. Just there.
I really like him, I do. But it really is a bad time. It's only been 6 months since 'he' left. And I don't want anymore distractions, I really want to focus on myself. Relationships are such a burden on me... But sometimes I do wonder if it's only because 'he' was the wrong one, so everything felt like a burden and it's nothing to do with my state of mind and timing.
But I really want to travel the world and discover places, people, and myself before I become committed again. Travelling with strings attached didn't work the first time. It's so diffcult missing someone... I don't want to face the conflict of my two passions: him and travelling. So that's why right now I don't want to start anything... Please have him wait for a few years before he initiates anything... Only I don't think this wish is going to come true. How long can feelings hold back for when it feels so real already? I want 2 years but 1 will be stretching is already...