Saturday, 12 April 2014

Who Pays On a First Date?

look through my eyes by Rinksy
The rights of women have changed drastically over the past half 
century, they have jobs and can make a living. Career-wise, 
the views and standards of women have definitely changed... 
but how does this compare to the views and standards of
 women in the dating field?  

So women of our generation have become far more independent. They strive to be more than just someone's wife who stays at home and cooks, clean and raises the children. Women aspire to have success in their careers. Women are ambitious these days. To put it simply, for the past century, we have strived for equality among genders: What men have, we can have too. So the fact that we are now able to provide for ourselves, does that mean we no longer seek for a man that is able to provide for us? And in thinking that, does that mean the guy no longer needs to pay for everything? 
Because think about it, the only reason it is custom for the guy to pay for everything is to signify to the girl that he is capable of providing for her and their future family together. A key element of a good husband. But roles have changed and the woman is no longer simply the housewife. So now, for our generation, if we are to go out on a date, who pays? Does the guy pay? Do they split the bill? Or does the girl pay? At first I thought the girl paying for the whole meal was a bit of a large jump from the norm of our parents, but it's happening. My friends do it. It's actually quite normal. 

by Pyr0sky
One of the arguments on the comments of that YouTube video against still requiring the guy to pay is this: "The guy does everything, what does the girl do?" (You want a man to provide for you but how will you provide for him? Sex? A man has to devote emotions + money + time into you but you only provide emotions? Wtf is this hollywood stereotypical bull). What is different now is that the girl also earns money, maybe even more than the guy, and I think it's that the guys think it's unfair that he gets all the burden whilst the girl has money in her pocket. To be honest, I'd think that too if I was a guy. But the truth is, the girl provides in other forms, not just monetary, such as giving birth for starters (that's some real pain there!), then raising the children (there are nannies but women still do much of the watching over of the growth of the children, this hasn't changed, men have not yet become equal in this role).  
One of the main downgrades I can think of about women is that many do not know how to cook (I for one don't really know how to) whilst more and more men know how to cook for themselves and even for their partners. So to summarise, women in general have upgraded financially, downgraded as a cook, but maintained their role as good mothers (and there's far more factors to a woman than these three). So in my opinion, you can't say the guy is doing everything. Everything is changing, it's not just the change in the women's pockets. And conflict is arising from the differences in acceptance of change. Some women are still traditional thinkers and want the guy to provide, at least on the first date (it's considered masculine and romantic) whilst some women are more forward-thinking and want equality and independence and would prefer to split the bill or even the entire thing. 
switching worlds by chantal-olivia
And one vital fact to be made is that this video was about the first date! For the guy to pay for the first date does not mean she requires the guy to pay for every other date, or everything else in their relationship (I would not think twice about showering my guy with lavish presents if I feel he deserves it but him paying for meals would be so lovely, it's just the traditional thought ingrained in me. I will not allow the relationship to be one-sided). Like I have previously mentioned, it's considered masculine and romantic for a guy to pay. Is there something wrong with being attracted to masculinity and romance, it's still in our genes to be attracted to this. Physically speaking (since our hormones don't lie), would you be sexually attracted to a lanky guy who wears tight pink leotards, or to a hunky guy in worn out denim jeans. We are bias. Society thinks it's wrong, but society is flawed. It's wrong to prefer one thing over another, but it's in us. And to attack what is natural in all of us is harsh. We all have differences in opinions but no opinion is correct, so to stand so strongly on one side and attack another isn't right. 
And do you know what I absolutely hate? The attack girls get when they still prefer the guy to pay. The term gold digger, it's thrown around so easily! And my ex-boyfriend has used it on me on more than one occasion as a funny remark. But I don't think it's funny at all, every time I hear it, it stings. I have done nothing for him to think of me like that. My family is more financially capable than his, but that is no reason to say I am a gold digger, in actual fact, that should pose the opposite. Plus, we have always split the bill on our dates, unless it's an anniversary in which he wants to treat me. I have never asked for anything, and I spent more on gifts than he has. To be honest, I think guys use this term way too freely, most of the time incorrectly, and for what I believe, to make the girl feel guilty and obliged to pay. It's a guilt mechanism for guys to avoid the responsibility of their role as a man. If you want the woman to give birth and raise your kids, you have to play your role too. Otherwise then, the argument is flipped, the woman is doing everything, what is the man doing?  

Aconcagua IV by GretaTu
You want more so you have to sacrifice more. It makes sense. Women want to have a career so they have to sacrifice time. They do more to gain more. So we cannot blame men for not doing as much (work & household duties). If we don't want to have so much to stress about, we can always choose to be housewives and save ourselves from the stress that comes from a career. We still have a certain level of freedom of choice! To be honest, genders are never going to be equal, if equality means to be the same. We are different, we are bred to be different. Naturally, we, the women, are the breeders, and men are the providers. Humans descended from apes and as animals, our instinct is to survive: to increase the population of our kind (by the women giving birth and the men raising them by providing food). So women will always have the role of giving birth, however men are able to change in the way they are the sole provider.      
All this discussion over who pays for the first date... such a huge issue for our generation. The miscommunication, the differences in expectations. This is why I hate numbers. The calculating. It's so stressful and such a happiness-killer. Whether that be calculating who pays this time, or how many times he's called you, or how much he has spent on you, or even how much he earns. Happiness is not in numbers. But it does affect us. It can make us happy or unhappy for a short term but larger issues hide behind these and these are what truly matter. Let me elaborate. To me, for the guy to pay for the first date is not so that I can have a free meal, it's that I can know he is not stingy, that he believes I am worth more than money. Some think it's like paying for an escort but no, it's different. Just because you pay for the date doesn't mean she will go home with you. You still maintain your rights and your standards.

Prisoner II by Avine
Why do women want a career? This is because women don't want to leave their survival up to a man. Women are naturally the breeders, but breeding benefits only the species, and not themselves (unless the children they have raised look after them when they grow up, but they are not benefited yet in the present). Men are naturally the providers, the ones who go out to hunt for food, and food benefits everyone, including themselves. Without each other, the man can still survive, whilst the woman cannot. This is the power that men used to have over us. As humans, we have evolved from this tribal thinking, and we no longer wish to rely on men for our survival. With all the divorces in the past half century, we have changed the game in order to survive. And we are doing better than merely surviving now, we are actually doing better than some men. They no longer have the same power over us, which in a sense emasculates them (for what I believe is the right reason though).Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger... But certain elements of masculinity is still attractive... and everything from here on is up to opinion and preferences.
As one comment stated: "times are changing and prices everywhere are soaring, having the man take all the burden of the expenses always is unfair. of course, there are still women that are taught that a man should pay for everything, which is why women are always underestimated in society. i'd like to see women to step up to the plate and pay." This is a true point, I said that I would prefer a guy to pay the bill and I'm not a gold digger in preferring this since it's not about money, I will be willing to shower him with lavish gifts. However it is not actually viable since if the economy is in a downturn, we still need to eat, but he doesn't need gifts. So my thinking is fundamentally flawed too. I'm an ambitious person, I want success in my career not for financial reasons but for self-worth reasons and this is the same for what I want to feel from my partner, not for financial reasons but for self-worth reasons. I want to feel worthy and him paying the bill is a sign of that. It's just that it's hard to not come across as financially needy or as the term is thrown around, as a gold digger.      


  1. Juliet Polilova13 April 2014 at 18:23

    Well in Russia it's always to be a man who pays! It's just a question of culture I think.

    very nice blog by the way :)

    kisses from Russia,

  2. Thank you Juliet :) you're very sweet!