Emotions

hair

by ~Megson

What he said was right. I should just tell him all the little things that upset me just in case I subconsciously bottle it all up and then it would just turn into a traumatic emotional explosion.

I just always thought I could think rationally and remove these emotions. Rationally telling myself that these emotions are stupid and brush it off. But he's telling me to stop being rational and just let it all out. But I'm so used to controlling everything, controlling my emotions.

To be honest, I really think that this fear of emotion comes from my older brother. His ability to be less sensitive to things, to label emotions as weak. You have IQ and you have EQ. Isn't that what EQ is? When you can control your emotions? Emotional Intelligence. And I believe in his point of view.

I have told my boyfriend numerous times that I think emotions are stupid. I hate it. But I've found the one who's openly emotional and I am so glad for that. He makes it seem alright to break down. To not care, to not think.

I used to think my type was the really masculine type, like I thought I could handle that since I was raised in a household dominated by men. But he comes around and proves me oh-so-wrong. I like to think I'm strong, that I can think like a guy, but when it comes around, I realise I'm not as strong as I thought I would/could be. My constant attempt to control my emotions is only proof of how sensitive I actually am.

I think way too much. The only reason it took me this long to become his girlfriend is because I've been so rational. I'm so rational that even when I'm drunk I can still pretend to be normal.

I was talking to him yesterday, about him forgetting about seeing me at uni. It was a really good example of my rationality taking over my emotions. I tried to justify his acts for him. Telling myself that he's just a guy, plus he has bad memory and I don't usually go into uni on that day, and that forgetting doesn't mean not caring... like all these things just to brush off my feelings of disappointment and maybe even annoyance.

Talking to him, he asks me what am I worried of. Whether I'm worried he's cheating on me. I don't think he is. Not at all. Well not yet at least [he got upset that I hesitated in answering.... and grrr I don't want to hurt him with my traumatic past that's already hurting myself]. But this subject caught me off-guard and it got me tearing up. I realised that I've been so overly rational because I don't want him to get annoyed by a girls emotions (because my brother would be). I'm scared he will leave me. He tells me not to compare him to my brother, not to generalise. He's right. He's VERY right. He said that I have found an outlier and I love him so much for being so different. Only he can understand and only he can handle my repressed emotions. But I'm so so scared.

I started tearing up because the conversation reminds me of how messed up I am. Reminds me that the problem I thought was gone, is not gone. Even though my mum told me not to let it hold me down. It has taken hold of me in a way that I cannot shake free from.

October Issue: Two of the Same

Continuing to experiment photography, especially post-editing. Next month's will be all about twins! 

Here's a sneak peak!

On a different note. I want to talk about my day. I was stolen from today. Someone from university took my Law book when I went to the toilet. I left it on the bench near the sink just to go into one of the cubicles only to come out with it gone. Who steals books? Uni students apparently. Lesson learned. Not only never let your valuables leave your side, never let your books leave your side. This world is filled with weird people. 

University is finally freeing up again and there's a week break which will consist of a lot of going out. This whole month has been dominated with exams and assignments that I've been highly introverted. So it's time for me to balance things out and bring out my extroverted side. Lots of parties and events. Tomorrow night is A.S.I.A's famous cocktail event at the Metrocity Club with my girlfriends. Coming Wednesday is Poker Night with my boyfriend's friends. Thursday night is MSU Ball! And then in between it all I'm also going to go to the Perth Royal Show with my boyfriend and his friends (apparently he's really good at all the games so he's going to win me a lot of prizes). Such a super exciting week!!!

Oh, and then the first week of uni straight after the break it's Multicultural Week and I'm going to be going to their Haunted Treasure Hunt event help on the university campus (where I'll be paired up with my friend with a night of thrills and screams) and also their famous Spring Feast filled with heaps and heaps of amazing food at night. 

Apart from losing my Law book and thinking I lost my drivers licence today, amounting to one of the most horrible days I've ever had. Every other day has been amazing. Got my results back for one of my exams and did exceptionally welll!! Usually do really poor so with low expectations I ended up jumping and squealing around in my room like a lunatic. No shame. 

Boyfriend is super busy these coming weeks. Have no idea when he'll free up because I haven't been able to spend any proper time with him since our first month which was.... a little over one month ago. We almost had out first fight, but I didn't let it happen and he didn't let it happen. We sorted it out before I lost my temper in front of him. You know, maybe it's just that time of the month, of my month. Because I almost lost my temper twice. 

Recap from my deep thoughts and feelings over the past month (rollercoaster feelings)

The Fall.

• by ~applesttar, Aug 15, 2013, 7:42:00 AM
• Journals / Personal

• Mood:  Fear
• Listening to: Easy - Beast

I've given you the key to my happiness and that is dangerous. I need to somehow take it back. You can still make me over the moon, but I need the key to be by my side so I know that I can still be happy when you're not there.

Not properly getting to see you today has got me a bit sad for the rest of the day. I was disappointed, not in you, don't worry, but in the way the day turned out. But it's also gotten me scared, afraid of losing you. The fact that not properly seeing you today can have such an impact already, if I lose you, how would I survive? Maybe it's just the infatuation stage still. Nothing to be scared of? It'll get better?

I know you really like me, you say you love me even, but then there's doubt about how much you really care for me. Maybe it's not me, it's you. It's your personality to fail to remember, to see the details, you are a guy so I guess I should understand and not expect too much. I shouldn't expect you to be as attentive as my best friend, because she's a girl.

I never thought I'd be the type to require a guy to constantly reassure me that he still loves me. High maintenance those girls are. But that's me, because I'm so god damn insecure, and that's traced back to my traumatic past again. I gotta be stronger, I gotta overcome my past on my own. 

You told me tonight that it's always you doing everything, that I should have found you today at uni, so then I could see you for longer. But I knew you were studying, I was trying to be considerate and not disturb you. Because I know what's important. But then you also mentioned how it's always you asking for kisses, not me voluntarily giving them.That, I am sorry. But that's only because everything is so new, and I'm still scared. Scared to not only be emotionally attached to you, but also physically attached to you now. 

Because my mind is telling me I don't want to be physically attached to you. I'm scared to be attached to you. Full stop. Because to be attached to you means I need to give up my key to you. And when you're not around, I won't be able to be truly happy. But then that's love isn't it? To trust you with this key, trust that you won't leave me? To have no doubt, no doubt in how much you love me? 

Grrr, I hate myself. Why does my mind have to be so complicated. 

My heart wants you so badly, but I'm such a rational person. It's always my mind driving my actions, telling me to play it cool, to take it slow. But now I'm fearing I might be a bit too cold towards you, playing it way too cool? I'm so scared to express my love in actions, that's why I'm always writing you letters instead, hoping that that would make sure you know that I truly do love you. 

I pray all these crazy emotions are only part of the infatuation stage, and that soon it will ease and I can feel safe and love you without fear and everything is just easy. Because being around you, I get so high, but that only means the fall is even greater. 

That's why I've always feared relationships. The fall.

Subconsciously

Subconsciously

• by ~applesttar, Moments ago
• Journals / Personal

• Mood:  Shitty

Ahhhh, feeling as insecure as ever..... and I don't know why.

Don't want to blame him for it. Maybe it's just that time of the month...

I feel so horrible right now and there's nothing to explain it.

I just want to run away again. Just shut myself out from the world for a while.

Going clubbing tomorrow night because my friend is going away for 6 months. Maybe the opposite is needed.

But then, after that, it's full on study mode as I have exams next week that I have not yet started studying for at all...

and an assignment due as well. So I will shut myself out this coming week, involuntarily or not.

No one reach out to me please. I feel so tired, not in the lack of sleep way (even though my sleep patterns have been altered), but in a I-don't-care-anymore kind of way.

Maybe I have been subconsciously thinking too much about 'us' and subconsciously been making sure that ever little thing I do is 'right'. Subconsciously scared all the time that I will do something 'wrong'. Subconsciously making sure I look perfect all the time for him even though he says he'll love me no matter how I look (how can I possibly believe that?). Maybe that's why I'm so tired. Because I've been subconsciously working really really hard for 'us' that even I don't know, not less him.  

I don't want to talk to him for the time being, even though he calls every night, and I get so happy when my phone rings and his name shows up. Blah, I really just want to run away. I'm undeniably a flight-risk. But I don't think shutting him out is a good idea. Just out of the blue. Bloody hormones. Maybe preoccupying my mind will make me forget this unusual feeling inside. Or clubbing tomorrow night will do me good. Haven't gone out for a long while now, since uni started. 

Wow, and time just goes by so quickly. It feels so weird. I was working on my assignment, I looked at it was 9:30. After writing half a paragraph I look at it's 10:05. What the hell! And now? Writing this I look and it's 11:25. I look again and it's 12:03 all of a sudden. Where the hell is the time gone? Is something mentally wrong with me. 

Right now I think I need sleep. My stomach hurts and I don't know why. Everything feels wrong.