Sunday, 10 November 2013

Lost Myself

  • Mood:  Anguish
  • Listening to: Someone else - Miley Cyrus
I really have no idea if I'm happy. I don't even know what will make me happy. They say, just do what makes you happy. How are you suppose to decide when you don't even know what makes you happy. Stay in this state of unknown? Or let go and actually feel something? Feeling free, but risk feeling absolutely lost.

People hold me down. Wish I was on an isolated island, where I can just be alone. People make me sad more than they make me happy. I feel so lost right now. I feel like I'm losing myself. I am completely lost when I'm with you. I have no idea who I am when I'm around you. Whether I've still got a wall up for you or if this really is me.

I've always been afraid of being judged because I guess subconsciously I judge people pretty harshly. And you being the closest unrelated person to me is the scariest thing on Earth. To show you the real me is frightening. To have something to lose is scary.   

You also make me hate myself so much, because you bring out my flaws. Relationships bring out my flaws. I hate being demanding and needy. But with a relationship, you make me crave things. But I never ask for things because that's not me. And when you don't give it to me, I just get upset, frustrated and soon I end up exploding and end up hurting you. You tell me to ask for more, but that's just not me. Why can't you just give more without me asking?

That's why I wonder if I leave, will I find myself again? Where I can be happy with myself again because I won't be craving. Or will I just hate myself even more for letting you go. You take up so much space in my mind, so much time in my day. If I let you go, will I feel lifted from the burden? Or will I only think about you even more?

I don't think I'm healthy for you, I don't think you're healthy for me. I think we're destructive. I think I'm more toxic than your ex. I thought you could prove me that love still exists in this dark world but maybe I shouldn't have stepped into a relationship when I didn't even believe in love.   

I stepped into this, knowing I was messed up, praying that I won't mess this beautiful thing we have, but I fear I have already messed it up. I've already torn it apart. It's lost. I'm lost. We're lost. It's gone. 

I wish I never met you. So then we could be happy on our own. I was content before you came along. Ignorance is bliss. 

Love is patient, love is selfless, love is hopeful, love is kind
Love is jealous, love is selfish, love is helpless, love is blind
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